Life, or something like it
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008So I turned 27 less than a month ago. I have the best marriage imaginable, and two beautiful girls. We have no debt other than our house. I’m done with school, and I’ve had the chance to work in my career field. Life has thrown a few surprises, but hey- that’s what happens when you try to plan it all out!
And yet, somehow, everything has really worked out beautifully. I couldn’t ask for more. (Except maybe to be a champion dancer… but that can take a lifetime in the world of west coast swing!)
If you’d asked me ten years ago where I wanted to be in life at this point, I probably would have said verbatim what life has become. With the exception of the few quirks God has, er, blessed (?) me with.
Anxiety. Depression. Constantly doubting myself. Self conscious about the way I look. And act. And feel. Never feeling like I belong when I’m with a crowd. A tendency towards living like a total hermit. Closing myself off from the rest of the world. Living behind a wall (James calls it my “shell”).
What would it be like to go to a bar with friends, have a few drinks, laugh, and have a great time? Or walk into a crowded ballroom and not have to swallow the tension and anxiety that wells up in me every time I’m faced with a noisy room? How about not having to take a practically lethal dose of Omega-3 Fatty Acids every day to keep the panic attacks under control?
Don’t get me wrong. There are good days and bad days. I go for months on end where I do great. Then there are the other months.
I think, unfortunately, I’m teetering on the edge of that “other months” category right now. I’m doing great for just having a baby a month ago (and by the way, April is an AMAZING baby!). I’ve actually been getting out of the house regularly, and I’ve been able to enjoy dancing again. No signs of true post-partum depression this time through, thank God.
But I’m still struggling some. I’ll be in the middle of the mall with my mom and sister, and I’ll get this feeling like I’m not really there walking around- like I’m in a tunnel or something. Or I’ll be at Dim Sum on Sunday, and I feel like I’m in a dream, not reality. The other night I had this weird, sudden burst of manic energy and I couldn’t sleep even though I was beyond exhausted. I felt like I had to take a walk in the middle of the night, and a few seconds later, I realized I was having a panic attack. Thank God James was there to help me through it. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s so wonderful about all my unfortunate quirks.
Again, I can’t complain. Life is good, and I am so happy with how things have turned out. I could just do without all my own oddities.
I guess things can’t be perfect. Something has to keep me grounded.