A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I find, much to my own surprise, that I am beginning to feel a bit like a disgruntled Catholic.

Born and raised, goody-goody Catholic school girl… I thought I agreed with pretty much everything the Catholic church teaches.

Not so, and I am starting to get irritated with Catholic teachings I’m hearing in the media, as well as what I’ve been reading online and in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Is it that I feel reluctance to live as Christ taught, or is it that I am starting to feel as though Catholicism is misinterpreting God’s Word?

Let’s get one thing straight:  I believe in God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all things seen and unseen.  I believe in the…  wait just a second.  I believe in EVERYTHING the Nicene Creed states, which is the basis of our faith.  So what is it that I feel disgruntled about?

During Mass, the homily applies to my life.  I agree so much with what the priests and deacons say.  I feel they interpret Christ’s teachings in such a way that they apply to our lives, no matter how difficult it can be.  Nope, it’s not that either.

It’s the Catholic perspective on political issues and sex that I disagree with.

For instance, I am against abortion.  I believe it’s wrong, and I wouldn’t choose to do it… however, I don’t believe it is my place to tell other women what they can and cannot do with their bodies.  Nor is it my place to judge or condemn them.  Period.  It absolutely disgusts me that certain Church members love to push their ugly noses into politics and tell us we are sinners for voting for a pro-abortion candidate, yet turn a blind eye to the pro-war ones.

Is, suddenly, an unborn fetus’s life more important and valuable than the twenty-five-year-old son/father/brother/husband/friend who is shot and killed in Iraq all for one president’s stupid decision to invade a territory that we never should have looked at twice?  Sickening.  I am NOT a sinner for voting for a president who wants to get our troops out of there instead of the one who wouldn’t mind sticking around “for another 50 years”.  Either way, death is an unavoidable part of politics.  What right does the Church have in telling ME I’m a sinner for choosing a candidate who I feel is the best one all around?  Let he who hath not sinned cast the first stone.

You can throw Bible verses at me to tell me I’m wrong, and I’ll shove my own personal analysis of them back at you to prove you’re an idiot for judging me.  The Word of God, so it seems, was simply written on paper by men.  Not interpreted for us.  That, I feel, is up to the reader.  I don’t believe Christ is so simple as to be seen one way.

Besides.  Jesus chose to hang with the uncool prostitutes, sinners, and tax collectors.  I’d rather be the kind of person he sought after rather than the self-righteous shithead condemning everyone else to hell.

Hey, all you conservative Catholics (and other uber-conservative religious freaks)- JESUS WAS A LIBERAL!  So get off your wealthy (or just simply uneducated) high-horse asses, and spend some time living as Christ taught us to.

Yes, I’m a liberal, sinning hippie, but I’m not above giving money to the homeless people on the streets, or donating barely-worn clothes and shoes to charity.  Who cares what they they’re going to buy with that money.  It’s not my place to assume!   Can you say the same?

God is Kind and Merciful.  Forget that not.

Off that soapbox.  On to the next.

And so we come to the sex issue.  Where do I begin?

My opinions, and the things you are going to read, are not for the faint of heart.  So stop if you think your virgin ears will burst into flames while I ridicule Church doctrine.  Oh, and my opinion is not up for debate.  It is simply a statement of my feelings.  Deal with it.  Even if it burns your ass.  You’ve been warned.

We all know that (cover virgin ears) S-E-X, the unnameable, is absolutely a mortal sin outside of marriage.  Sex with multiple partners, even with divorce and remarriage without an annulment, falls into this category.  Okay, so yes, I do believe to an extent that sex is intended for married couples only… wait, no, scratch that.  I’m lying.  Here’s what I believe.

I really feel that if you can wait for marriage to do the unnameable, good for you… but I’m going to snicker behind your back if you broadcast it while I remember the pure awkwardness of first-time copulation of two “untrained” partners.  It can be rather traumatizing.  Either one or both partners is too nervous to get anything completely fulfilling from the encounter, or it’s over so fast that one partner is mortified at the speed of his excitement while his partner is left assuring him that it’s okay (and really, it is guys!  We like that you’re too excited to control yourself around us!  It beats the alternative!).  If you’re a rarity and first time sex is completely untraumatizing, not painful, and absolutely perfect… congratulations.  You are truly blessed and deserve an award.  And I’ll probably still laugh at you behind your back because it’s probably nothing in comparison to truly amazing sex, but more than likely you’ll never know what you’re missing, so more power to you.

But whatever.

I, personally, had no desire to live through first-time sex on my wedding night.  I really wanted to test drive the car before I bought it.  And let me tell you… it was worth the sin, although I must admit that I definitely had guilt issues about my choice.  But if nothing else, it absolutely 100% confirmed my decision to marry James.  Not only was he my perfect match in every way imagineable, he was, without a doubt, the yin to my yang in that department as well.  I can’t imagine how disappointed I would have been had we not been compatible in that way as well.  That seriously would have made for a sucky lifetime together.

However, good sex is not without an unforeseen, rarely-spoken-about, extra little Catholic detail.  The teensey little added “bang!” to the punch.  You ready for it?  It’s a good one.

Sex is not for pleasure in Catholicism.  It’s for “union and openness to creating new life”.  Yes.  It’s true.  There is no such thing as sex without being open to creating new life.  Period.  Sex is for union… and procreation.  Birth control is a sin.  Oral sex without the man “finishing” inside his wife is a sin.  Petting or fondling is “allowed” as long as it is for foreplay purposes… however if either partner climaxes from it (while his schlong is outside of his wife…), it’s a sin.  In other words, sex is a sin unless you are willing to create a new life while you’re doing it.  Let no seed be wasted.

So yes, every single time I have sex using some form of birth control, whether it be a pill or a condom or any other “barrier method”, I’m being condemned to spend an eternity in hell unless I can truly repent.  Oh, and if I give my hubby a blow job because I’m not in the mood to get it on… yeah, that’s a sin, too.  On his behalf because I turn into a “sexual object”, and hubby isn’t “giving himself fully” to me.  And I’m a sinner also… because I wasn’t in the mood to chance “having new life” be blessed upon me.

Blessed be the Catholics who have 15 kids but can’t afford to feed them simply in the name of following their religious duties.  The rest of you, well, you’re all going to hell.

So what is this- simply a “I don’t want God to put rules on me”, or a “I don’t believe the Catholic teachings are what God truly wants for us”?

I have no trouble with following God’s commandments, so I’m thinking it’s the latter.

Disgruntled?  Absolutely.  Catholic?  Despite the fact that I’ve attended Mass every week my entire life, went to Catholic school, grew up on Catholic teachings, received all my sacraments, served 7 years on the Parish Council, taught Catechism classes, currently serve as a Eucharistic Minister, etc…

…I’m not so sure right now.  Maybe I need to re-evaluate.