Needs
I’ve come to realize that I have never before put my own needs first. Except, perhaps, when I was a newborn and toddler who had no choice but to rely on pure selfishness to survive.
How we ever make it beyond our infancy and “terrible twos” is beyond me. Thank God we are adorable (even if we’re truly funny looking like I think I was) to our parents when we are that little. Otherwise, the human race would never have survived.
My girls are both so happy.
You know why? It’s because every single need they have is fulfilled. Pretty much immediately, really. When Julie says, “Mommy, I’m HUUUUUUNGRY,”… POOF! A peanut butter and jelly sandwich magically appears in front of her. When April fusses, I pick her up, feed her, cuddle her, show her some true mommy love, swaddle her like a little furry burrito, and pop a binkie in her mouth. And she falls asleep, cooing through that pacifier, because she feels warm and content and happy, having all her needs met.
Besides the fact that I am, unfortunately, genetically predispositioned to struggle with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, suicidal tendencies, etc., I am learning to recognize that I make my situation worse by never putting my own needs first.
And I mean never. I am disgustingly selfless at times.
Oh, you need me to clean up your drunk friend’s puke that somehow ended up everywhere EXCEPT the toilet (even though I don’t even live here)? But of course! No thank you necessary, I’m happy to do it. Here! Let me book the plane tickets and spend all my dance-lesson-earned-cash to go to that West Coast Swing convention even though I know I’m going to end up wishing I’d plunged off of the balcony when I had the chance. But I’ll happily do it because I love you and I know it’s important to you. You need to vent your suicidal wishes to me? Go for it! I’ll hold your hand and do EVERYTHING in my power to stop you, take on your burdens, and help you through it even though I’m barely hanging on by a thread myself because I love you and I want you to be well. You need me to pull you out of your self-loathing-killing-yourself-slowly episode even though you hurt me emotionally so bad that I have nightmares and feel sick about what you did to me for years? Of course. I will do everything I can to help you think that you weren’t being a selfish bitch who did some serious damage to your family. You know why? Because I want to shield you from the monster you can be at times, regardless of what it costs me.
This, ladies and gentlemen, was never my intention. I never realized how badly I do this. It’s not to please people, or to bargain myself a warm seat in heaven next to Mother Teresa. Martyrdom was never part of my plan. I’m not a doormat.
If fact, people-pleasers drive me crazy. Ass-kissers? They actually make me want to punch them.
It’s time I learned to be a little selfish and but my needs first in my life. This is an entirely new concept to me. One which I really have no clue how to accomplish.
Aren’t you proud of me? I came up with this all on my own. I realized it yesterday while I was talking to James. He took me out to dinner, and I felt like for the first time since I can remember, I had so much to say that it was just bubbling out of me.
Clarity. I woke up this morning, after my third night of peaceful sleep (besides a few disturbing dreams), and felt like it was actually ME in my body getting out of bed. I wasn’t watching from some third-person-perspective haze as I stumbled through my room and into the kitchen to be sure that Julie’s breakfast mystically appeared on the table.
In fact, I actually decided to shower even BEFORE I drank my coffee and while April was still sleeping, rather than waiting until I put her down for her morning nap.
This is very uncharacteristic for me.
Tags: Depression