A Surprisingly Sane Blog

James took me out to dinner last night and he asked me, “What do you want out of life?”

“No one ever asked me that before,” I said, amazed that I’d asked him that half a dozen times, yet never once been put on the spot to answer that very question.

I thought about it through sips of wine and a mouthful of food before I could answer him.

I’ve never been happy living in Arizona.  I’ll probably piss off a few desert-lovers saying this, but I find the city we’re in a little too casual and kind of podunk for my likes.  It’s beautiful, but I absolutely hate the heat.

I’ve always imagined myself living in a big city somewhere along the coast.  Northern California or Oregon or Washington.  Heck, I’d even be willing to try a place like New York or Chicago.  Someplace big and liberal.  Somewhere where I don’t avoid going outside because it’s too sunny (I love clouds and rain!).  Seattle.  San Francisco.

I told him that while I enjoy being a teacher, etc, I would love to work as a writer or layout designer for a girly magazine when my girls are both old enough to go to school.  No joke.  I would love to work in a big office with windows overlooking a big, beautiful city.  Like Sex and the City style.

I want a reason to get up in the morning and fix my hair and put a little makeup on.  Dress cute and wear a creative pair of heels.

I want to be a classy mom who takes her kids to the park and walks the dog and makes friends who live a similar lifestyle.

I want my house to be clean and organized. I’d love to feel confident and put together.

I blabbed on and on, the wine doing its job.  All these visions of myself living a life that I feel successful and happy.  Once the floodgates were opened, I just couldn’t stop.  I’d never gotten the chance to just think selfishly before.  Given the chance to do anything, without worrying about what kind of job James would do in the big city, etc, I just told him all the different things I have always wanted to experience.

Finally, I stopped and apologized.  I felt bad, realizing that it was selfish of me to just spill all that out.  I didn’t want him to think that I was ungrateful of the life he and I have built together.  Our house that we bought, our cute kids, the fact that he works his butt off as a software engineer so that I can stay home with our girls.  The dance room that we completely re-did so that I can teach in the evenings.

He told me not to apologize, and he said he really liked hearing my hopes and dreams.  I asked him if he was surprised at all, and he said no.  Everything that I said is so fitting for me, and he wants to see me be able to have these things in my life.  And then I realized it’s not selfish of me to want things.  Yes, I’m 27 and I just figured out that it’s okay for me to have hopes and dreams.  And my darling husband would gladly move wherever I needed to go to find them.

I have always just kind of bended my life around everyone else.  I mean, don’t we all to some extent?   But I really do this badly.  To the point where I never really feel like I’m meeting any of the things I wanted to accomplish simply because I’ve been trying so hard to please my husband and family.

Sure, I find things to do to keep myself busy, but I’m always wishing I could live a bit of a different life with James and our girls.

And that’s when he said something to the along the lines of this:  We only live once, and I want you to have the things you want, too.

I guess it’s time to start making plans for a better life.  I owe it to all of us.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 11:44 pm and is filed under Make Me Smile, Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.