A Surprisingly Sane Blog

While I normally have quite a few complaints to report from the weekend, I am thrilled to announce that I actually had a wonderful few days with James and the girls.  The Period From Hell aside, of course.

I know, my cynical bitching is so much more interesting to hear about than my happy days, but get over it and just be glad that I had a good weekend for a change.

There were so many times when that dark spiral of depression could have consumed me again.  There was the dreaded period that tried to ruin my feeble attempts of a romantic Valentine’s Day.  Lunch with my (ugh) mother-in-law (MIL) yesterday.  My irritation when the MIL didn’t even call James to wish him a happy birthday on Friday.  I had a terrible time trying to sleep the last few days.  And then there was the fact that Julie was a complete grump the whole weekend.

Usually things like this, even though they sound so trivial, leave me a vegetable-like idiot.  I can’t deal with sleep deprivation or the MIL, or the months when my period becomes The Period From Hell.  Or Julie breaking down and whining, “Noooooo, I don’t waaaaannnna gooooo!” every time we attempt to get in the car, or out of the car, or even to just the other room in the house.

But this weekend, despite the few setbacks, I was better than usual.  I didn’t lose it.  I didn’t fall back into that dark abyss of nothingness.

What was different?

There have been a lot of positive changes in me, James, and our relationship since I started all the therapy last month.  The Prozac has truly taken me by surprise.  I no longer feel like I’m in a constant dream, unable to walk through the hazy goo called My Life.  I feel present, like I actually want to be here.

The counseling with Dee has been more helpful than I ever imagined, and the physical therapy for my prolapse with Dina has been incredibly therapeutic in so many ways.

And James.  He is finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of his own undiagnosed-until-recently depression.  He realized how weak and unsupportive he has been of me during our marriage, and he has gone out of his way to be himself again, the James that I married.  But that is a whole other story I’ll have to save for another time.

I never wanted to admit that the depression was an actual chemical imbalance that I had zero control over.  I felt disgusted with myself, weak that I could not seem to get my life on track.  A healthy diet, daily exercise, the lethal amounts of Omega-3 Fatty Acids, the B Vitamin supplements… none of them were doing the trick.

I am no longer in denial that depression and anxiety and the OCD are very true and scary illnesses that I live with.  They sneak up on me and manifest in ways that I never imagined they could.  Left untreated, they consume my life and I am left nothing but an empty shell of frustration and anger.

I know that now, and I am no longer afraid to face them and tackle them with medication and therapy.  All my life I have fought the very things that are responsible for the reason I am still alive right now.

Feeling like I have control and power over my mental illnesses gives me hope that I can do this.  While I know that every day I have to make the choice to fight the depression, I finally have the desire to stand up to it.

And I am slowly overcoming my shame of this.  Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to admit to the people who don’t read my blog that I’ve been dealing with a severe and crippling illness.  It is a million times easier for me to write my experiences down than it is for me to verbalize it.

I feel like, for the first time, that I’m actually climbing out of this.  And even though it is just one step at a time, I’m grateful for each chance I have to pick up my leg and take another one.

Current Mood: Cool

Tags: Anxiety, Depression

This entry was posted on Monday, February 16th, 2009 at 10:28 am and is filed under Insanity, Therapy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.