A Surprisingly Sane Blog

Just in case you were wondering, I thought I’d lay a few of the obvious out there for you.

1. Pretend nap time is optional, and spend the entire 2 hours singing the ABCs obnoxiously while emptying out your dresser and throwing everything in sight all over your rug.
2. Fart under the covers and pull them up so that I have no choice but to endure a huge whiff of the refried beans gone bad inside your large intestine.  Please, do everything you can to kill me painfully.
3. Spam my email with right-winged propaganda.  Especially the anti-Obama messages with only half the story.  Do your research before posting that shit, please.
4. Pull your car out in front of me without looking, then road-block me behind yourself in conjunction with that other half-wit driving 27 mph in the 45 zone.   Do not tempt me to hurt you, I am clinically labeled “unstable”.  I’m willing to bet I can probably plead insanity if your car goes flying off the road.
5. Yell that I need to “squeeze my glutes harder and tighten my core” while my face is turning purple and my ass fat is melting before your eyes into a puddle of goo on the yoga ball.  Have you no soul?
6. Glare disapprovingly in my direction because my baby squeals in delight (albeit loudly) in the restaurant, you sinister old fuck.  My kids have just as much of a right to be in public as you do.  More so, in fact.  At least it’s cute when they make faces at people.
7. Snort your nose at how I raise my kids.  We all know the way you do it is definitely better, you bitch.  Nevermind the fact that my kids are happy, healthy, and well-behaved while yours are out of control and your head is stuck so far up their butts you don’t know which way is up.

Wow, that felt kinda good.  Please, feel free to add your own “piss-me-offs” in the comments section.    No censoring necessary.

Current Mood: Mischievous

Watch out, world.

I didn’t sleep last night, and I’m gonna be on the road on my way to my counseling appointment with Dee in a little while.

If you forgot your brain on your bedside table next to your dentures, please turn your vehicle around now before I end up behind your slow-moving ass.

I will *most likely* ram you off the road in a hit and run and never look back while your car bursts into flames from the hell’s fire in my wake.

Pedestrians, pull your head out of your ass so you know I’m coming.  If you think for a second that I see you jaywalking and I’m going to stop… you’re in for a surprise.

I will be looking for moving targets the second my foot hits the accelerator.

One more thing.

If you dare flip me the bird while I zoom past you, I will follow you, hunt you down, and remove your teeth one by one with pliers while you scream “uncle”.  And I will laugh as I do it.  Crazy, maniacal laughter.

I am a woman teetering on the edge.

Beware.

Current Mood: Angry