How To Quickly Piss Me Off

Just in case you were wondering, I thought I’d lay a few of the obvious out there for you.

  1. Pretend nap time is optional, and spend the entire 2 hours singing the ABCs obnoxiously while emptying out your dresser and throwing everything in sight all over your rug.
  2. Fart under the covers and pull them up so that I have no choice but to endure a huge whiff of the refried beans gone bad inside your large intestine.  Please, do everything you can to kill me painfully.
  3. Spam my email with right-winged propaganda.  Especially the anti-Obama messages with only half the story.  Do your research before posting that shit, please.
  4. Pull your car out in front of me without looking, then road-block me behind yourself in conjunction with that other half-wit driving 27 mph in the 45 zone.   Do not tempt me to hurt you, I am clinically labeled “unstable”.  I’m willing to bet I can probably plead insanity if your car goes flying off the road.
  5. Yell that I need to “squeeze my glutes harder and tighten my core” while my face is turning purple and my ass fat is melting before your eyes into a puddle of goo on the yoga ball.  Have you no soul?
  6. Glare disapprovingly in my direction because my baby squeals in delight (albeit loudly) in the restaurant, you sinister old fuck.  My kids have just as much of a right to be in public as you do.  More so, in fact.  At least it’s cute when they make faces at people.
  7. Snort your nose at how I raise my kids.  We all know the way you do it is definitely better, you bitch.  Nevermind the fact that my kids are happy, healthy, and well-behaved while yours are out of control and your head is stuck so far up their butts you don’t know which way is up.

Wow, that felt kinda good.  Please, feel free to add your own “piss-me-offs” in the comments section.    No censoring necessary.

Current Mood:Mischievous emoticon Mischievous

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 26th, 2009 at 9:07 pm and is filed under Bitching, Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Responses to “How To Quickly Piss Me Off”

  1. Nikki K. Says:
    February 27th, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Okay, here are some of mine:

    1. Tell me just one more time how I need to get my baby on a schedule that suits YOU when you only see her once a week.

    2. Remind me how much fat or calories are in what I’m eating (as if it’s not good enough that this little piggy is already back at her pre-pregnancy weight after 6 months)

    3. Glare at me if I choose to nibble at my food while I give my baby a bottle. She eats constantly. If I didn’t do this sometimes, I’d starve.

    4. Having my parents and in-laws try to dictate us how long we should wait have another child. It’s not their business. P.S. I used to professionally nanny for a family of 5 children all under the age of 9. I can handle a toddler and a newborn.

    5. My MIL telling me exactly what she paid for every little thing she buys and asking me what I paid for things and worse; her opinion on how much I spent.

    6. Bitches with no rings on and no kids glaring at me when I walk around with my baby. I’m 28 and I had to kiss a bunch of frogs and be a great girlfriend to get what I have.

    7. People basically hinting to me, “How dare you have a wedding in this economy.” How self-centered is that one? We want more children and although I am in support of couples that never marry (even if they have 4 kids together), it’s just not my style.

  2. Tamra Says:
    February 28th, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Oh, yeah, inlaws asking how much money we make/spend/etc… UGH! That one’s really a doozie for me! Your MIL needs to GET A LIFE… by the way, your password for that was hilarious! :-)

  3. Nikki K. Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Why thank you. I still giggle myself to sleep over it some nights.