A Surprisingly Sane Blog

If you have to start a conversation or a sentence with that, you just might want to rethink what you are about to say.

Chances are, you are about to let loose like a totally constipated asshole blocked up with half a bag of prunes and are only trying to excuse yourself ahead of time.  Once you let it out, it doesn’t matter if you apologized in advance.  It’s still going to stink like shit and send everyone running in the opposite direction with disgusted looks on their faces.  Trust me, you are not going to get a good response, and it only makes you look like an butthead once it comes out.

This is a phenomenon that I find especially interesting because usually the person who acted like a jerk in the first place gets pretty defensive when someone calls them on it.  Or disagrees with them in some other way related to something entirely different, for that matter.  Maybe it’s just a personality type?  I don’t know.

Not to be mean (ha!), but you may want to start thinking before you speak.  If you have to say something, either blurt it out with conviction and accept the string of horrified looks thrown in your direction with grace and maturity, or just don’t say it in the first place.  If you can’t reap what you sow, don’t chance it.

There.  I said it.  And if you think I’m a bitch, go for it.  This has been on my mind for a very long time, and it’s finally time that I say it with conviction.  You can throw stones.  I won’t duck.  I’ll wear the bruises with pride.

At least I’m not afraid to be called on my own asinine words.

Current Mood: Angry

1. Pump up my flat car tire with a bicycle pump.
2. Tell me you are “Humping my tire” because you don’t know any better.
3. Send me an email with this link: http://www.markryden.com/index.html with a note attached saying you like how warped it is, you sick, crazy fuck!
4. Name your Hookah “Daisy” and assure me you’re only smoking what’s legal with it.
5. Pick your nose and act like you were just “scratching it” when you notice I am watching you from one car over.  You know you eat it when you think no one’s watching.
6. Proudly claim my fart as your own.
7. Say, “Mommy? When I get big I’ll have big boobs like you to feed baby April!”.  Could your innocence be any more precious?
8. Admit you are a complete bitch first thing in the morning and *may kill* anyone who tries to approach you before you’ve had a cup of coffee.  We must be related…
9. Call our baby’s hair “vertical”.  Yes, yes it is.  And it’s darn cute because of that fact.
10. Ask me if I’m a freshman in college.  Yeah.. I was once… like a decade ago.  But I think it’s so cute you think I look young enough to be one now.

What cracks you up?

Current Mood: Happy