I Learned Honesty the Hard Way
Did you ever wonder why I’m so brutally honest? Why I’m not afraid to talk about the stretch marks on my ass and sexual issues?
It’s because I had to learn the hard way.
Integrity. One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned. Now it follows me everywhere I go… my own little loyal (albeit annoying) puppy dog.
When I was in third grade, I got caught cheating. I’d been at a awhile, and I really didn’t know how wrong it was.
Until I got caught, of course.
It all started because I had a crippling fear of being less than perfect. There were high academic expectations of me, and I hated bringing home a paper with a *-1* instead of a *-0* written on it.
I could go into the deep psychological reasons as to why an 8-year-old was terrified of bringing home a 95% instead of a 100%, but I’ll skip the psychoanalysis and just flat own up to it. Because what I did was wrong, and there is no excuse.
I was only eight years old when I discovered this magical little way to “fix” the wrong answers that popped up on my homework. And my math tests. And even, eventually, just about every paper that my teacher had us self-grade with our Catholic-school-kid red pencils.
I was good at it. I used to break off the tip of my pencil and write in the correct answer while holding it between my fingertips. The red correcting pencil was on top, so no one knew.
Nobody knew, that is, until I shared my clever little secret with the girl next to me. I thought it would help her get better grades. My heart was in the right place.
She ratted me out. Twice. In front of the whole class.
The first time, I played dumb and got away with it. The teacher didn’t see it happen, so there was no proving it was for real.
The second time, I couldn’t act my way out of it.
The punishment sucked. I was grounded for the first time in my life. I received a 0% on the test I got caught cheating on. My teacher had a very long discussion with me out in the hallway about how she couldn’t trust me anymore.
The worst part was that I was a complete laughingstock for the rest of the week. In third grade terms, the rest of the week feels like the rest of your life.
No one wanted to be friends with a liar, a cheater. I was completely alienated. My classmates whispered about it while I was within earshot and cast accusing glances in my direction.
Although I can fully admit that I deserved what was coming to me, I never really recovered socially from that moment, nor did I ever forget the lesson I learned.
It’s amazing how one little lie like cheating turns into a multitude of lies. Even if they’re unintentional. And lies are tricky. They don’t have to be verbalized. They can be as simple as the fake smile you cast in someone’s direction. Body language. Not being true to who you really are.
That year, I lost who I was and lived a fabricated life. I didn’t know how to face the sheer humiliation gracefully. I was just a little kid. I put a smile on my face and acted like I didn’t care. I didn’t want anyone to know that I cried myself to sleep or that I prayed to God every night I could be someone else.
Since then, I’ve toughed and hardened drastically.
As mortifying as the whole experience was, I am grateful for it and the little snot who tattled on me.
Had I not been forced to own up to my dishonesty, I would never have become the straightforward, painfully truthful person that I’ve become today. And although I admit it can be difficult at times having a mouth like mine, I am glad that I no longer feel like I have to apologize for who I am. I’m not afraid to admit when I’ve made a mistake. If I get into an argument, I’ll be the first to apologize and try to make peace.
It has taught me to be a better person, and it has given me a lot of courage to stand up for myself.
I learned it the hard way, but maybe it was the only way.
If we never get called on it, what keeps our integrity in check? What do we have to lose until we have to admit to our falsehoods and weaknesses?
Had I never been caught, I would not have the sense of right and wrong that I do today.
And although it was painful and humiliating, I wouldn’t change what happened.
Current Mood:
Cool
March 25th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
i think everybody has that “aha” moment at some point in their life. the ones who don’t, or who ignore the hard earned lessons turn out to be…well, like the one who i’m sure we both have in mind. lies can start out so small…but they grow like cancer and sometimes get so out of hand, a person doesn’t know how to react until they’re forced to own up or abandon the $h!t storm they left behind. i just happen to love your honesty…it’s what makes your blog such a great read.
March 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I wish my coworker would have one of those moments, it could work wonders for her… actually no, it would probably just pass right through her air filled head, like when I caught her gossiping about me and called her out on it. At least you had the sense to understand right and wrong at that point and make a possitive change in yourself, some people just never learn from their mistakes.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Hmm, funny I had almost the exact same thing happen to me. I made all of my answers right and the teacher straight out said “no one has ever gotten 100% on that you little cheat” in front of the whole classroom. I was mortified.