A Surprisingly Sane Blog

The reasons why (even though I should probably go to hell) I think I deserve a chance to fight my way into heaven at the pearly gates:

1. I didn’t scream a stream of obscenities at the old nitwit who cut me off while I was driving to the dance studio this morning.
2. I don’t beat my kids.  Or my husband.  Or my stupid dogs who wake me up barking because the cat next door is in heat and mewling for some damn alley cat to put her out of her misery.
3. I haven’t caught said cat and shipped her yowling in-heat ass to the jungle to be eaten alive.
4. I clean my feet before I go to bed.
5. I wipe my kid’s bottom every time she uses the toilet.
6. And I clean up her accidents off the floor and the couch and her bed and…
7. I tell her, “It’s okay, sweetheart, everyone has accidents once in awhile.  You don’t need to cry.  See?  It’s all cleaned up, and you’re wearing clean panties again.”
8. Then I hug her and tell her how much I love her.
9. I clean my husband’s man-panties for him.  And his socks.  And the rest of his clothing.
10. And I fold them.
11. I give money to homeless people.
12. I talk to old lonely people who will chat with you until your ear falls off because I know it makes them feel good to have someone to listen.
13. Despite my constant battle with religion, I go to Mass every week, participate as a Eucharistic Minister, and pray that I will be a better person.
14. I pray for the assholes who piss me off.  I don’t call them that to God, though.  I use nice words.
15. Despite the fact that I have a total potty-mouth on my blog, I don’t cuss around my kids or around anyone it might offend.
16. I restrain from telling people they need to get their heads out of their asses if it’s not appropriate timing.
17. I put up with, and still manage to love, some very twisted members of my family… even when they say things to me that no human should ever mutter.
18. My in-laws are all still alive and well, and even though I’d love to strangle at least one of them on occasion, it would never happen.
19. I resisted the urge to beat the shit out of my ex and leave him in the desert for buzzards to pick apart when I found out he was cheating on me.
20. I dumped his ass and went out with James the next day, whom I later married in a church-sanctified ceremony.
21. I never rubbed it in the ex’s face.
22. I’m brutally honest.

Hmmm… I don’t know.  Maybe I should come up with a better argument?

Current Mood: Mischievous

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 1st, 2009 at 3:00 pm and is filed under Confessions, Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.