A Surprisingly Sane Blog

So my husband brought this up to me one day when he was particularly irritated with a blog I posted, and it got me thinking… do I censor myself on this website at all?

And it dawned on me- yes.  Yes, I actually do.  Quite a bit more than I think anyone realizes.  More than I even ever really knew, to be honest, because I didn’t do it consciously.  Most of my censorship has happened as a result of a little angel on my shoulder saying, “You really shouldn’t publish that email on the internet.  Yes, it’d made great content, but it’s just not something you should share.”

It’s no secret that I am not afraid to use the work FUCK, or blab about my vagina and prolapse suffered from pushing out a baby too big for my body, or heck, even talk about being brainwashed by my religion about sex and all things sex-like.  I have not held back anything at all when discussing my experiences with a very dangerous and severe form Postpartum Depression and the treatment necessary to keep me from doing something terrible to myself.  My thoughts and feelings and insecurities about my body, mind, and soul are all on display for the internet to see.  I have never been ashamed to admit my shortcomings.

Honesty has been the best therapy for me to accept who I really am, despite all the cuss words and vulgarity and embarrassing truths I have willingly confessed.

I have received so many emails and comments from women who were thinking the very things in my head, but never realized they weren’t alone in their struggles and thoughts until I posted them for the world to see.  They have both thanked me for my honesty and have disagreed with what I’ve written.  But on both sides of the fence, for the most part, their responses have been warm and accepting.  There are always a few not-so-nice responses… but that is to be expected.  Not everyone agrees, and I am totally comfortable and okay with that.

I have realized that what I write is not only an integral part of my own therapy, but a chance for other women (and even men) to recognize their own shortcomings and insecurities as part of what makes them a beautiful, unique person.

I am proud of the fact that I have learned to let down my hair and honestly say the things I think and feel on this blog.  I have made a whole slew of “internet friends” and faithful readers as a result of it, and it has been a huge eye-opener for me in believing in myself in spite of all the unflattering traits I possess.

This blog has become more popular than I ever imagined.  While at first I was shocked and admittedly a bit humiliated that people were actually reading my nutty ramblings and darkest thoughts during the most horrific part of postpartum insanity, I have realized that it was actually a blessing in disguise.

As a result of what I have written, women from all around the world have contacted me to tell me their own stories of motherhood woes.  I am more grateful than I can say to them.  They made me realize for the first time in my life that it’s okay to openly admit who I am and that I am far from perfect.

And that all brings me to my original point.

When James asked me what my limits are as far as censorship is concerned, I felt a bit of defensiveness.  Like, dude, you know how therapeutic this blog is for me.  Don’t you dare try to take it away from me.

Upon further examination of my innermost thoughts of boundaries regarding what I am willing to share with the world, though, I realized (believe it or not) that I actually do have limits, and it is important that they be known for the people close to me who read this.

While I would love to discuss my family’s impact on who I am today, or random things about friends and other people in my immediate life, I respect their privacy.   If I do discuss a problem that may present itself with one of them, it would never be apparent who I am talking about or what exactly happened.  It would just be the concept and my thoughts and feelings regarding what happened that I write about.

I will give my two cents regarding ideologies, political standpoints, etc.  I’ll take something a family member or friend said about child-raising that sent my temper boiling and have a field day with it if I disagree.  But they will never be meant as a personal attack.  Rather, they are simply my opinion regarding concepts and ideas.

I am a firm believer there are always two sides to a story, and I stand by that. If someone doesn’t like what I have to say, tough.  I really don’t care.  They are allowed to disagree.  I mean no offense, and in return, I take none on differing perspectives.  There is a huge difference between saying something meant to be a personal attack and stating a mere opinion.  One has cruel, hurtful intentions behind it.  I’ve been there, done that, and long ago outgrew it.

As I have said in my About section, this is my personal website.  Nothing is sacred.  Read what I have to say at your own risk.  It is a choice, not something I shove in people’s faces.  Right-winged propaganda on TV pisses me off, so I don’t watch it.  Same thing with my blog.  You don’t like it?  Don’t click on it.

Furthermore, I would never say something on here that I wouldn’t admit in person.  Would I come out and say it if not asked?   No.  But hell, if someone came up to me and asked how my vagina was doing, I’d probably double over with laughter and tell them that the physical therapy has done wonders for me.  And then I’d probably go into way too much detail about how incredible sex has been lately.  Hey, they asked.

I know that not everyone agrees with how open I am, and I am okay with that.  They can choose not to read my blog or talk to me.  Hell, I don’t talk to people who piss me off.  It’s a pretty simple concept.

And as far as answer my sweetie’s question… here it goes.

James, I would never intentionally write something about you that would pose to be unflattering or hurtful (other than your annoying sleeping habits and goofy poop stuff… and that’s only because you laugh while you read it, too).  Even when I disagree with you, I would never want to give the false impression that you are something other than amazing.  You are, quite frankly, the most incredible person I have ever met.  The fact that you have held my hand and stuck by me despite all my weaknesses and moments of complete despair has made you one hell of MAN.  And I mean that in the most sincere and warmest way possible.  You are nothing short of amazing and beautiful in every way other than the fact that your farts could kill a colony of cockroaches and your wiggling/ball-scratching/sleep-eating habits might eventually push me to institutionalization. But seriously, yes, I do have limits and I promise to never overstep those publicly.  And you know better than anyone that I mean that.

I have found that my candid (albeit abrasive at times) honesty is what has made me who I am.  I learned integrity the hard way, and now I’m not afraid to use it.

Current Mood: Happy

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 at 12:29 pm and is filed under Confessions, Daily Ramble. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.