A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I just had a conversation with a good friend (thanks, R) and read all the comments after yesterday’s post.  All of it forced me to take a step back and think.

The movie director just yelled “Cut!“, and everyone on the set just stopped in mid-action.

Hold on a second.  Stop the drama production.  Take a deep breath.

I am getting sucked back into the same cycle that almost sent me to the loony bin in the first place.  The very thing that has caused so much mental trauma and emotional turmoil my entire life.  And I am stupidly falling for it once again.

Until now.

I can stop this.  That’s what all the medication and therapy has been about.

Bear with me for a second.  If my life were a movie, the song “Everything In Its Right Place” by Radiohead would be swelling loudly drowning out all the other sounds, and I would be standing on the rooftop of a New York skyscraper with my arms outstretched toward the gleaming sunlight laughing maniacally.   That epiphany moment before the story turnaround.

I feel so stupid for not realizing that this is exactly how the majority of my issues always start.  Like I said, the beginning of the cycle.

Yes, there are other certain triggers that will send me spiraling, too, but this particular one has been an ongoing theme in my life.

I let everyone else’s needs and desires and issues affect me.  I am, quite simply put, too damn nice.  If someone comes to me with a problem, I do everything in my power to help them.  When someone in my life pulls a passive-aggressive, manipulative stunt, I get sucked in and play damage control.  Rather than taking care of myself, I make sure everyone else is doing well.

Some people in my life are horrifically (albeit unknowlingly) selfish.  Combine that with my huge heart, and you get a whirlpool effect.  Generosity and care getting sucked into a dark abyss that just can’t be satisfied.

But today, I realized it.  My sanity not worth someone else’s battle.  Their issues are not my own, and I just need to stop trying to help people who aren’t receptive to it.

So what if someone got pissed and tried to make me out to be the bad guy when I called them on their bullshit?  Yeah, it sucks, but I can’t change them or how they choose to perceive things.

I can change my reaction to it, though.  And I am.

This is the point in the movie where there is a montage of smiles, and good choices being made, and people shaking hands that makes the audience so happy that the cynical people like me feel their stomach churn and resist the urge to barf.

And the director yells “CUT!” with tears gleaming from his sappy eyes.  What a beautiful ending.  Or is it really just the beginning?

*Applause*

And for you audience folk like me, here is the part where you roll your eyes and force back the bile.

Current Mood: Confused

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 30th, 2009 at 1:06 pm and is filed under Daily Ramble. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.