Another Reason I’m a Complete Dork
I just had a memory flash into my head that almost landed me on the floor with laughter.
James and Julie are at a birthday party and April is napping, so it was one of those really stupid moments where I was talking and laughing to myself. Hopefully there are no hidden cameras in my house.
But I have to tell this story because it’s so dumb that I just can’t resist. Sometimes, I have little self-control.
Several years ago, James decided to surprise me and take me to San Diego for my birthday. We had one of those early morning flights- the kind where you get up long before the sun makes an appearance. To save time, I showered and laid out my clothes the night before so that we could make a quick exit.
Well, my alarm woke me at a comical hour, and I turned on nothing but a nightlight so that my eyes wouldn’t burn out of my skull. I sleepily threw my clothes and shoes on and managed to brush my hair and teeth in the dark before stumbling out the door and into the car.
My dad dropped James and I off at the airport, and we were practically comatose while going through security and waiting for our flight. Right before lining up to board the plane, I decided to take a quick potty break.
Well, as I was sitting on the toilet, I looked down at my feet for the first time that morning. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason you should never, ever, ever get dressed in the dark.
To my complete horror, adorning my feet were two completely different Birkenstock sandals. One had two straps, the other had three.
I sat there for a second hoping I was hallucinating.
I wasn’t.
It’s bad enough that I was wearing caveman shoes that grip your sweaty feet and make farting sounds when you walk, but about million times worse that they were actually mismatched on top of it all.
Panicking, I realized that I was actually stuck in the middle of that dream where you are at school wearing nothing but your poop-stained underwear. Everyone was going to be laughing at me when they realized I was wearing two different fucking shoes. Except it wasn’t a dream. What could I do? My mind raced while I wiped, flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and bolted back toward the boarding line where James was waiting for me.
Well, I did what anyone else in my shoes (dorky pun intended) would have done. Without hesitation, I threw open my carry-on luggage and yanked out the only other pair of shoes I had with me while frantically shoving the retarded mis-mated ones in my bag.
I must have looked pretty cool wearing a pair of strappy black heels with my denim shorts and casual tank top. Really stylish. But hey, at least I had the same damn shoe on each foot. I silently thanked God the whole way there that I’d packed a second pair of shoes in my backpack.
Moral of story? Never get dressed in the dark.
Oh, and always bring an extra pair of clothes and shoes in your carry-on bag just in case.
Current Mood:
Playful & 
Alarmed
May 3rd, 2009 at 6:03 pm
After having my second child I found myself at the grocery store late one evening since that was the best time to get away. I had almost my whole shopping trip completed when low and behold I reached down for something on the bottom shelf and noticed something was terrible wrong. My shoes were the same kind of shoe down to the size except one was a navy blue flat and the other was a black flat with a metal buckle. I was so out of it from no sleep that I spent the rest of the time at the store explaining to who ever came by me that I was a mother to a newborn, and look at the funny thing I did on accident. I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut to hope no one noticed. I must have looked like a real loon.
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Too bad you didn’t have the other set of birkenstocks in there, huh. I must say though, I don’t think my underwear in that dream ever had poop stains
May 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
LOL. a couple years ago i did a stint as a barrista at starbucks, i had to leave the house by 3:30 am so i could be there to open by 4:45. i dressed in the dark while J and K slept. once, when i got to work, i looked down at my feet and realized i had put on one black, and one brown of the same shoe. thankfully, nobody noticed since most of my work was behind the bar, and when i told my co workers i had to leave the house by 3:30, they were completely understanding.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:04 am
LMAO Rae and Jess… so glad I’m not the only complete dork out there!