OCD and Manic
I haven’t really slept at all for at least a week now, and it’s becoming a pretty desperate situation for me.
Nothing is doing the trick, and believe me, I’ve tried all of ‘em.
The second I lay down and turn out the light, obsessive-compulsive thoughts start spinning through my brain, which leave me feeling anxious and strangely hyper. When I finally do fall asleep for a disgustingly short amount of time, vivid and exhausting dreams fill my slumber. I wake up feeling like I just ran a marathon in 110 degree heat.
I know this is part of my postpartum psycho-problem. I keep trying to tell myself that the weird, random, disturbing thoughts my head gets stuck on are irrational and that I need to just let them go, but it’s so much easier said than done.
To be perfectly honest, I’m starting to worry that I may end up in the psycho ward at the local nuthouse while doctors try to figure out what the hell is wrong with my brain and pump me full of experimental drugs to knock me out.
Now, this is also an irrational fear. I am not crazy. I am suffering from extreme fatigue and exhaustion. This is not a new thing. I have dealt with insomnia since I can remember. Every time it hits like this, I panic while I try to stumble my way through the cloudy existence that smothers my daily activities. Eventually, it passes for a period of time before it inevitably rears its ugly face once again.
It’s a hideous cycle. The fear oh my god I’m never going to get a good night’s sleep again leads to even more anxiety and obsessive-compulsive thoughts, making it nearly impossible to sleep. Which, of course, makes that fear hit harder. And so on and so forth.
It’s just one of those shitty things I struggle with.
I should have seen it coming. I have been dealing with a horrendous amount of stress and other crap the last few weeks that is probably enough to send even the sanest of the sane babbling like a crazed lunatic.
*sigh*
Happy freaking Mother’s Day.
Can I have a weekend do-over? Wait, scratch that. I just want some quality, dreamless sleep.
Current Mood:
Alarmed
Tags: Sleep
May 10th, 2009 at 10:37 am
(((hugs)))
May 10th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I can honestly say that I could have written your post. I feel like my OCD/anxiety is getting worse with the new meds I am on. I have been driving myself nuts with thoughts. Here is my thought.. I know you are breastfeeding, but what if you took sleeping aids like otc unisom and pumped and dumped for 24 hours after you take the drug. I don’t know how long the lingering effect would be booby wise. I know it sometimes takes longer to get things out of your system through the boob juice. But then you could get some sleep so that you can continue to be a happy healthy momma for those girls. Think of it this way .. if you go to the hospital you are going to have to pump anyways. That is just my thought. Remember to replace negatives with positives can stop the looping. I do a time thing. I say ok I am thinking this one thought. I will think about the beach for the next 10 mins and not think this thought. Then I try to visualize the beach. You can pick your happy place. Try to replace the thought with the happy place. You will go back to the thought through out the 10 mins, but you have to keep telling yourself to picture the beach. It is so easy to just let the thoughts go and go and go until you feel like a hyped up rabbit filled with anxiety that what you are thinking is really true. Try to remember they are just thoughts. Thoughts can not hurt anyone and you are not going crazy. I know it feels crazy right now. Have you called your therapist? Maybe you need to change meds or bump your dosage. *big hugs* You can get through this. You have loving family and friends that are here for you.
May 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
It sucks so bad that you deal with this, too, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone. I am going to try to your visualization technique. I haven’t done that explicitly, but I think it may help me relax enough to calm my head down. Thank you for the tip. Hope you get a good night of sleep, too.
May 10th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
[...] Go here to see the original: OCD and Manic [...]
May 11th, 2009 at 12:53 am
That was a great visualization suggestion. Another possibility is brain mapping and brain training – I’ll talk to you more about it tomorrow. It may be very useful for you. Hang in there. You’re wonderful just the way you are.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Perhaps if you were able to see someone who specializes in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, or attend a support group with women going through what you are going through, it might help. I’d be happy to help you connect to local resources.