‘Batin’ In The Shower
Can someone please explain to me how such a wonderful husband can be so damn irritating at the same time?
I mean, really, as if waking me up scratching his balls in the middle of the night wasn’t bad enough, last night he decided to develop an involuntary twitch of sorts. The kind where you feel the bed wiggle the same freaking way every minute or so. The kind that wakes you up at four in the morning. Grrrrrr. The conversation went like this:
Me: (growling like a rabid werewolf) Stop scratching your damn balls. You woke me up.
James: (with that damn snort-awake-thing he does and slurring like a drunk) Huh? Not scratchin’ ‘em.
Just like that, he was back to sleep doing the same damn twitchy thing.
Me: Dammit, James, stop DOING that.
James: (snort-awake) I can’t help it. It’s involuntary.
Yeah, as if I care that it isn’t on purpose. Like that makes it any less annoying.
Me: (angry sigh) Can you go to the couch? I can’t sleep with you doing that.
Thank goodness he had his wits about him enough to stumble to the living room with his pillows, or else I might have been forced to drag his ass to the couch by his ponytail.
I’d feel bad except that sleeping on a king-sized bed all by myself without an obnoxious teeth-grinding, ball-scratching, involuntary-twitching, bed-hogging, flopping-around-like-a-fish-high-on-crack sleeping mate is just absolute bliss. I was out like a light almost immediately and slept until that equally annoying sunshine came streaming through my window a couple hours later. Then I flopped over, covered my face with a blanket, and conked out again until April needed to eat my boob.
At 8:30, James came shuffling his huge, floppy feet into the bedroom to take a shower. At that point, I knew my peaceful slumber was coming to a screeching halt.
*sigh*
After listening to him shower for 25 freaking minutes, he came out wearing his manties, a shirt, and a silly grin.
Me: (still in bed, contemplating shooting him in the ass with a tranquilizer at bedtime from now on) Dude, were you masturbating in the shower or something?
James: (bewildered) No (laughs), why?
Me: You were in there forever.
James: Oh, was I? For how long?
Me: Um, for like 25 minutes. (How does he not notice?)
James: (glancing at the clock on his nightstand) Oh wow, heh, I guess I was.
Men. They really, truly are clueless. Even the good ones. I mean, if they had to shave their legs, deep condition their hair, and spend a mandatory five minutes cleaning their genitals… then maybe I could justify a 25-minute shower.
Maybe.
But come on, my “indulgent” showers consist of 10 full minutes of hot water, 5 minutes to shave my legs without water (we live in the desert… conservation is necessary unless we want to drink sewer water 100 years from now), and another minute to rinse ‘em. So how on earth can he spend 25 minutes washing his hair, soaping down, and scrubbing his face?
He must have fallen asleep standing up in the shower. It’s the only logical explanation. Either that, or he was abducted by aliens partway through and quickly returned.
Does your significant other wake you up with annoying sleep habits or spend an hour in the shower?
And if you’re a guy, explain this all to me. I just don’t understand the middle-of-the-night twitching, ball-scratching, and early-morning girly shower. What am I missing?
Current Mood:
Alarmed
May 16th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
my husband, thankfully, does not spend 25 minutes in the shower. even when he shaves his legs.
nope. i’m not joking. he shaves his legs. yes, it creeps me out.
but APPARENTLY all the serious cyclists do it, and if he didn’t shave his legs, he would look gay. to the other cyclists. i told him that cycling is gay because he shaves his legs, wears spandex, and wears a little hat that for some reason reminds me of the end of a penis.
shaving his legs makes no sense to me, and i refuse to touch them when we’re intimate. i’m trying to deal, but my husband shaving his legs may be the one thing that finally tips the sanity scales and sends me into the loony bin. i bet the guys in the loony bin don’t shave their legs….
***just as a side note, i have no problems with homosexuals. i just don’t want to be married or intimate with one.
May 16th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
oh…and i haven’t made it a big deal with him yet, because i’m trying to pick my battles. i’m waiting for the opportune moment to say “if you can shave your legs, i can……”
May 16th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Mike grinds his teeth really bad. But the big thing is, he sleepwalks. One night I awoke to him opening the closet door. I asked what the hell he was doing at 2am and he replied he had to pee. We had this conversation 3 times in a row before I finally got up and led him to the bathroom. I thought it was over until I heard the shower water running and had to go stop him from showering at 2:05am. At least he didn’t pee in the closet.
May 16th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I don’t even take 25 minute long showers. The only time Kyle does is when he shaves everything (except legs, arms, and armpits). Yes, I like the lack of hair immensely. Kyle has this terrible irritating foot twitch thing that he does when he’s really tired. Generally 5 or 6 well placed kicks will get him to stop. It moves the whole bed though, and since we only have a queen, I have had thoughts of removing said foot.
May 16th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Well, from a complete stranger who accidentally surfed his way over to this funny post, for the record, my wife snores. Gently, one could say femininely, but still, it’s officially snoring. And can I kick her to the couch? Nope, if it bugs me enough, I’m the one who has to move.
May 16th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Richard- Ah, see? Now that’s where the description “wonderful” belongs in front of the word “husband”. You’re a good man. Sadly, I spent half my pregnancy sleeping on the couch… so now it’s my hubby’s turn. He doesn’t complain.
Jessica- LMAO… I dated a guy who shaved his legs in high school- he was an athlete. I must say, the leg stubble was just downright disturbing. But as long as he treats you well, I’ll forgive him!
Samantha- ACK! Now that’s a little freaky. I’m really glad my DH doesn’t do that. The teeth-grinding, though, OMG, he’s terrible about that. But I admit to being guilty in that department as well. Although, he’s never heard me do it.
Mia- I just about fell over when I saw the “removing said foot” comment. Do you think it’ll go over well if I tell James I’m going to remove “said balls”?
May 16th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I just know that with how much insomnia I’ve had lately, severing limbs is not beyond me.
May 18th, 2009 at 9:58 am
ever since the baby was born my husband swats at me and grabs on to me any time i move in the bed…it’s insanely annoying and horrible…not i’m too scared to even turn to the other side. he has hit me in the face before doing this maneuver. sometimes it’s followed by the words “where is the baby?” now mind you the baby never slept in our bed…EVER! i usually answer with “in his bed like every other night” but once in a while when i’m extra pissed i’ll say things like “under the bed”…so what, i’m an asshole…i don’t care! he is disturbing my precious sleep which is already so limited!
July 20th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
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