An Update On My Insanity
No, for real. When I say I lost my mind, I only wish I was joking.
When my darling husband finally realized how severe the case of postpartum depression I was experiencing really was, he drove my ass to a mental health crisis center in the middle of the night one stressful day back in January. I was on the verge of suicide without any concept of how horrible that decision really would have been, and I couldn’t even comprehend why my desire to stop existing on this earth was a bad thing.
I was nothing short of a paranoid, babbling, unfeeling lunatic when I started therapy, and the next six weeks were a nightmare as my body adjusted to a pretty hefty antidepressant and I was forced to undergo a few weekly therapy appointments. Thank God I had enough wits about me to actually agree to all the therapy- I was a few days away from hospitalization, and that would probably have been an even more difficult road.
For the first time in my life, I realized that I really was out of control and I really, truly needed some serious help. Have you seen that movie “Girl, Interrupted“? Yes, I was in that bad of a state.
During those first couple weeks of therapy, I admittedly had a few complete breakdowns. The kind that left James with a phone in his hand, ready to call for the mental health crisis center to come tackle me and shoot me in the ass with a tranquilizer to force me into the loony bin if that knife got any closer to my wrist. I am so embarrassed to admit that, to be perfectly honest. It seems so stupid now.
Yes, it was hell. If you ask me now what was going through my head then, I’d stare at you blankly.
But I’m better now, thank God. Much, much better.
The Prozac is, sadly, a necessity. At least for now. Maybe at some point I’ll be able to wean off of it. Will it ever be completely? Possibly not. But I have accepted that fact and would much rather be able to function like a healthy human being than struggle to make it through each minute of the day. If you’ve ever experienced a serious mental illness like major depression, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
As far as counseling is concerned, I’m down to once every few weeks. And as far as how I feel, holy crap, I actually feel things again. Miraculous.
I still have an occasional bad day. I still have some trouble falling asleep, although the problem is much better than it was. Weird, vivid dreams do wake me up in the middle of the night and leave me deciphering the nightmares from reality sometimes. Some days I still have a bit of trouble with the anxiety, and sometimes, the obsessive compulsive thoughts plague my mind.
However, the severity and frequency of those things still fall within the realm of “normal”. I’ve gone weeks at a time without having trouble with any of those problems. And while I will probably never be completely “normal”, I feel downright good most of the time. Amazing how a little pill and some therapy can do that, huh?
Besides, I’m willing to bet that “normal” is grossly overrated. I kind of like being a freak. And I’ve learned that most my friends (both internet buddies and in “real life”) have a few quirks of their own… and that puts me in good company.
Admit it. You like being a little weird, too. And it feels good to know I’m not exactly… normal, either. My blog would be incredibly boring without a touch of crazy.
Current Mood:
Cool
Tags: Anxiety, Depression, Therapy
May 21st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
there’s no such thing as normal. everybody has their skeletons… some are just better at hiding them.
May 21st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Imagine what the world would be like if we were all normal… How boring! All I know is that I’m glad you are well and part of my internet life.
May 21st, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I think I will always be plagued with some form of this. I am getting back onto an even footing now after being off for awhile. You are in good company. I hate to say this but .. one step in front of the other.. and a hop every once in awhile.. or a twirl in your case. *smile*
May 28th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Thank you so much for sharing this so openly and honestly. Postpartum depression can be really rough and it sounds like you got slammed with it. Hormones are amazingly powerful, but their fluctuation sure can throw you on one severe rollercoaster ride. Thank goodness your husband took you to a good place and that you were with it enough to tackle the therapy and take the meds. Good for you! I’m so glad you’re feeling good again and you’re getting back on track.