Dedicated to Itchy Balls
Not mine. I don’t have any, thank God.
I mean, how on earth do men stand having those things attached to their nether-regions, anyhow? Don’t they get smacked back and forth between the thighs when their owner is strutting around proudly? Then there’s that whole “blue balls” phenomenon (haven’t heard that one since those boring high school chemistry classes… but still, it apparently exists)… like dude, life hurts enough without those suckers adding extra pain to your day.
And I have to wonder… do they work like a leash of sorts? Say their captain catches a glimpse of a *cough* person or object of their liking and feels a jolt or tug from their loins in response… do they sort of gravitate toward that attractive thing and yank their owners’ body in that general direction? Is that what it means to be thinking with their second brain? I mean, yeah, there’s the “little head” and all, but come on… we all know that it tucks away for safe keeping the majority of the time (well, once they’re not 18 anymore). But, the Balls. The Balls are always in an alert state. Ready for action, pulling up in quick response to flying objects, and ready to shoot their little soldiers off to battle whenever the opportunity arises.
Yes, they may make their owners proud and do their part in preserving the human race, but there is also the less-glamorous part of owning a set of balls. From my perspective, anyway.
The itchy part. The hey, buddy, we’re hot and sweaty and developing some kind of yeast or other shit that’s making us itch… get us out of this sack, dammit! We need air! FRESH AIR! The sort of itch that makes their owner reach down and scratch them at any given moment, no matter how unattractive or obnoxious that moment may be.
You know, like when the batter steps up to the plate and does a quick ball grope before grasping the bat with both hands. I mean, I doubt he’s checking to make sure his buddies are still attached. For cryingoutloud, he’d sureashell notice if they were missing looooooong before he stepped up to home plate. It’s gotta be either an involuntary twitch, or a sudden andrenaline-induced itch.
Or, there are the times when the proud owner of a set of balls thinks no one notices as he picks at them from under the dinner table while politely engaged in a conversation with his unsuspecting dinner date. Except, of course, some attention-deficit weirdo like me happens to catch a glimpse of this particular gesture from across the restaurant. Caught you!
Then there is the middle of the night ball-scratching. The kind a man does in his sleep. Or the sort that he wakes up doing. Like my husband does.
What must be going through his mind as he awakes from his slumber? I can only imagine a computer geek’s dream. Come on, guys, we’re going to have to solve this glitch in the code so we can save the universe… hey, wait a second. Who unleashed that colony of fleas on my balls? Not funny, guys, that itches. Agh! I can’t reach them to scratch! Oh wait, wait, I think I got ‘em… score! Oh, that feels good…
*WHACK!*
Snort-awake, “Ow, what?”.
“James, stop scratching your damn balls. You woke me up.”
“Oh, sorry…”
…
Men. *sigh*
Can’t sleep with ‘em, can’t reproduce without ‘em. Women, we are doomed to just put up with their itchy balls.
Let me know if you find a cure, okay?
Current Mood:
Alarmed
May 28th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I’m pretty sure I gave you the cure the other night, it invovles cutlery! : )
May 28th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
hmmm. well, i’ve only known one man [intimately] with a set of itchy balls, and i ditched him for a man with non-itchy balls. of course, if said non-itchy-ball-man had turned out to have itchy balls, this comment would be very different. of course, i didn’t know that he was the non-itchy type when i decided to be with him…which is probably a god thing. itchy balls are irritating. har-har.
May 28th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I’ve always thought that they should automatically confiscate them at birth and hold them at some lab like they do with cord blood until the guy in question gets married to nice girl and then they both have to go in for a rigorous testing and interview process so that a board can decide if the couple is qualified to BORROW the testicles just for the purpose of procreation, then they must return them. That would not only solve the ball-scratching conundrum but also teen pregnancy and all of those people that you look at and say to yourself “Please for the love of GOD don’t EVER have children!”
Pretty tidy solution if I do say so myself =)
May 28th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
wow. Mica…that is an AWESOME IDEA! hmmm…
May 28th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Mica, you’re my hero, seriously. I love that idea!!
May 28th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
When you figure this one out let me know. Jokes doesn’t scratch them because they itch. He actually tickles them until he can’t take it then scratches them to start all over again tickling. It is his way to relax. I haven’t figure it out, but the other day he pointed out that when I am sitting doing nothing I usually cup my right breast with my left hand. I never noticed it before. Now I am so self conscious about it. It’s not really that I cup it I just cross my arm across and hold it with my other arm that is loosely crossed .. oh I can’t explain this well. Any ways .. back to the balls thing. I can’t imagine having to walk around with something dangling between my legs either.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I’m a light sleeper, too. When Mike grinds his teeth, I poke him in the cheek, really hard, and he stops.
May 28th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Hence, my live close by and visit often philosophy of relationships.