I’m Crazy, What’s Your Excuse?
Having a mental illness as severe as postpartum-depression-gone-nearly-psychosis sort of gives one a license to be crazy.
How I get away with being a smart ass? Oh, I’m unbalanced. I can’t help it. Duh.
The reason I flipped that asshole the bird while he almost ran me off the road? The happy pills haven’t kicked in for the day.
The mood swings that make me bite someone’s head off and devour it like a snarling wolf? Don’t piss off the crazy. Remember, we can plead insanity for real.
That sudden unnecessary shopping spree? Lack of impulse control, naturally.
The reason I haven’t purchased a piece of music sound equipment for the swing dance club in town, even though it was approved a couple months ago and it’s my job to take care of that sort of thing? Difficulty making choices and an inability to spend a large sum of money on something I know little about.
Feeling dissatisfied with my current situation? … I could say it’s due to mental illness, but I’d be lying.
I’m finding that I’m not the one making these excuses most of the time. Being dubbed “crazy” is not something that anyone who has truly been there wants to be defined as. It seems like if someone knows what’s going on with me behind the scenes of a very scary and real mental breakdown months ago, instability becomes an easy excuse.
Really, though, there is no excuse for bad behavior because honestly, I haven’t felt nuts in a very long time. Overwhelmed at time? Yes. Frustrated? Of course. Irritable? I’m female, get over it. The choices I make, even though not always the popular ones, are done with a clear head. I’m a smart ass because I want to be. I told my father-in-law off at lunch the other day because he was being a shithead and deserved it. I am frustrated with my current situation because dealing with a 3-year-old and an almost-10-month-old 24/7 amongst a million other commitments is maddening.
Ever since I returned home from Oklahoma, I’ve been feeling a little stir crazy. Despite James’ concern that it may be the depression, it has nothing to do with needing a medication dosage check. It’s just that, well, I’m feeling a bit unsettled with my current situation.
On vacation, I spent a good half the day sitting under the breezeway patio watching the kids play outside. I love to be outdoors. Here, though, it’s just too damn hot. I took Julie and April out for five minutes yesterday before retreating, exhausted and sweaty, back into the air-conditioned house feeling like the life had been sucked from my skull.
I could piss and moan about all kinds of other things including the fact that I’m irritated to not be bringing in a steady paycheck, or that I wish I could summon the energy to sort through my kids’ outgrown clothing, but I’ll just shut up.
My excuse for being bitchy today? I’m crazy. It has nothing to do with my situation. Really.
Current Mood:
Angry
Tags: Depression
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
i certainly understand being driven stir crazy environmentally, rather than internally. the temperature over here has risen over 100, and we might as well live in the desert since we’re locked in the house, under a heat advisory every day. meh. come to missouri. we can drive each other nuts.