Something I Wouldn’t Normally Blog About
So this is personal. Really personal. And it’s most definitely not something I would normally blog about publicly because it involves some unflattering aspects about people that I love dearly. But I have to. I just have to get it out. I’m sick of holding this in while it ruptures a hole in my heart.
My Mom and Dad.
I have great parents. They’re both wonderful, loving people. I’m very close to them, and I talk to them nearly every day. But holyfuckingcow, they can drive me absolutely nuts more than anyone else I can think of. Including my husband and two monsters.
They did the best they possibly could to raise us well and to provide everything we needed, and they did a great job. I love them unconditionally and always will. They have helped shape who I’ve become, and I am forever grateful.
But dammit, I wish I could be more open with them about my severe depression and all the treatment I’ve had to receive to survive. They have no clue, and they wouldn’t respond well if they found out.
I wish they weren’t too proud to seek help for their own mile-high-cow-dung-pile of emotional instability, mental issues, and marital problems.
I wish I could talk to them about how excited I am to move to Seattle without their guilt trips and sour comments about the place they once called home but chose to leave.
I wish they’d taught me to be more independent so that I didn’t feel like a lost little girl when I make difficult changes that are necessary to live my life and make positive choices for myself and my own family.
I wish I didn’t have to listen to my parents talk shit about one another when they’re in the midst of one of their never-ending spats. Or better yet, be the confidant in situations that no daughter should ever have to role-play.
I wish my sister and I didn’t have to play constant damage control amongst our family of five.
I wish I didn’t have to walk on eggshells in fear of one of them having a serious breakdown and throwing a glass of water at me that shatters all over the porcelain tile floor behind me.
I wish we could speak openly about some of the horrible, damaging, secret events that have taken place behind our closed door and kind smiles.
I wish they weren’t too proud to apologize to one another and to us when they have made a mistake.
I wish they wouldn’t pull the “poor me” card and make everyone’s lives miserable every seldom time that something along these lines is brought to their attention.
But most of all, I wish that they could just find a way to attempt to make their lives together a happy, positive one.
Considering the fact that trying new things such as (*gasp*) eating a a new restaurant is nearly impossible for them, I know it’s stupid of me to believe that they would ever choose to step out of their comfort zone and actually try to make healthy changes in their lives.
But I still hope.
*sigh*
Am I the only one? What do you wish for your parents? Is everyone’s family a mess in their own way? Even the close ones like mine?
Current Mood:
Sad
July 13th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Aww *big hugs*. I don’t know what to say but to tell you that you aren’t alone. My family is pretty messed up, too. I have no relationship with my dad, I haven’t talked to him in years. He wasn’t invited to my wedding and he’s never met Adam. We never got along and once my parents divorced when I was 8, it was just downhill from there. I found out some horrible things about his behavior and cut all ties. Birthday parites are difficult for my family because so and so can’t be around this person, ect. My mother’s mom won’t be invited to Adam’s party frankly because she’s ruined some relationships beyond repair and I have to choose between inviting her and all the people she’s hurt over the years. Anyways, just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone. Just do the best you can but don’t let it eat you up inside. I know that’s easier said than done.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:24 am
We have a joke in my family that we put the “fun” in “dysfunctional.” I think all families have some of this.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:50 am
(((hugs)))
i’d start into my own issues, but i honestly just don’t have the energy to put it all down into coherent sentences. maybe later?
July 13th, 2009 at 8:19 am
You are certainly not alone. I have severe anger issues with my mother, to the point that I never wanted to have a girl because I never wanted to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that I have with my mother. Now that I have a little girl, I can only hope that I will not mirror my relationship with my mother but make it into what I always wanted.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Families always present interesting challenges. It’s useful and important for you to see yourself as separate from them, no matter how close you feel and how much you love them. You are your own person with your own family and are making good decisions for yourself. Notice the things that work in your relationship with your parents and give your attention to those things. Place a psychic shield around yourself to protect yourself from the things that are less than ideal. And continue to be the kind of parent you choose to be for your amazing daughters. I wish I had the kind of mother that I am – the good news is that I AM the kind of mother that I am. The close, trusting relationships that I have with my daughters is priceless. I am grateful for the knowledge I have gained from my own parents about the way I choose to do (and NOT do) things. Accept the things that work with your parents and let go of the rest. That way you’re floating downstream which takes so much less effort. I love you very much and am proud of the way you think about things in your life.
July 13th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
with my parents living so far away from me, all their discretions from childhood have been forgiven, and most current problems are ignored when we see each other because we see each other so rarely. it’s nice to not live near my parents! my MIL…well, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. currently, i haven’t spoken to her since she visited that one time…
i’m okay with that, although i’m probably going to pay for it when birthday season gets here. (for the next 3 months, all our birthday’s are close together)
July 14th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Oh you know I have issue with the parents!
Hugs!
Keep on the path of doing what makes sense for your family. Maybe the physical distance will help with the problems you have with the parents. Well if it doesn’t at least you are leading the life you want!
Its our jobs as parents to raise our little babies to be self sufficient adults. Its our job to accept our children for who they are – not what they do. It will always astonish me that my parents and so many parents cannot let go of their grown babies and let the live their lives!
July 14th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I think you will find that your sanity will come back in small doses when you leave. For the most part, my mom and I became closer than ever when I moved away for 5 years. Even now with me considering joining the military right after I have kids, she is supportive, because she wants Kyle and I to have the best lives possible. I hope that your parents can eventually see that you need this move.