A Childhood Fear, Revisited

Okay, so I’m starting to get a little nervous.

Three weeks from today, I’m moving to Seattle.  And I have that old childhood fear sneaking up on me all over again:  What if they don’t like me?

Who “they” are, I’m not entirely sure.  Why I am suddenly worrying about this a bit is even more unclear to me.  However, I can’t ignore the fact that it’s there.

As a kid, I was a bit… weird, to say the least.  Eight years in a cliquish Catholic school wasn’t exactly a warm, accepting experience like the term parochial school promises.  It was quite the opposite, in fact.  I wasn’t “cool” by any stretch of the imagination, and dealing with the depression that has always plagued me left me with an excessive amount of social anxiety even then.

I learned quite a few hard lessons, especially that most kids suck at keeping secrets.  Considering what a horrifically honest, tell-it-exactly-like-it-is-even-if-it-knocks-you-over sort of person I am, I spent more than my share of days trying to find a way out of going to school so that I wouldn’t have to face was was waiting for me behind those classroom doors.

It taught me to be a very closed-off person, which stuck with me until I became an adult and realized that I couldn’t keep forcing myself to be something I’m not and I started opening up to the public via my blog.

I swear there’s a point to this nonsensical rambling.

In the years I’ve spent recovering from a fairly traumatic childhood, I’ve come terms with the fact that I will never run with the “cool kids”.  You won’t see me in Vegas dressed to the nines with a group of girlfriends sipping a cosmopolitan, or hanging out at a bar drinking a beer and dancing without a care in the world while onlookers drool like horny dogs.  I wasn’t ever the kid who played sports and went to all the slumber parties, and I continue to be far from that person even today.

So as you can imagine, I have a little more than just a slight amount of apprehension about our pending move.  What if they don’t like me?

This is a silly fear.  The dance community up there knows us and has been incredibly welcoming, so we have some built-in acquaintances.  Thank goodness.  The relocation company will help me find a job if I so desire.  And I have my internet friends from all over with whom I talk to much more frequently than just about anyone in “real life” these days.

I’ll be okay.  But childhood fears die hard.

Would you mind giving me a hand with this knot in my stomach?

Current Mood:Alarmed emoticon Alarmed

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 19th, 2009 at 11:27 am and is filed under Confessions, Insecurities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

7 Responses to “A Childhood Fear, Revisited”

  1. J Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 11:59 am

    i’m definitely not the person to help give you advice… i made two major moves as a child, and my son has moved 6 times since he was born. (poor kid) all i can say is… i’m still alive. :)

    what i CAN reassure you about, however, is that not living within arms reach of immediate family members (brother and sisters excluded. i wish i lived closer to mine) is the most liberating feeling in the world. my mom and i are actually friends. my MIL and i are civil, and i haven’t seen her in WEEKS. it’s amazing, and worth any amount of social awkwardness i can, and have to put up with.

    GL with the move. take a deep breath…you’ll do great. :)

  2. Rikki Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    I don’t see how the couldn’t like you, I for one think you are pretty freaking awesome.

  3. Kim Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Just be yourself. Anyone worth knowing will accept you for the fun, sweet and honest person you are.

  4. Andy Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    Tamra! We already have enjoyed having you up here! You will fit in very nicely within the community. I have no worries about that. :) We look forward to seeing you in THREE WEEKS!

    Andy

  5. Rosanne Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    First of all, I’m sending you a hug right through the internet. You’re not the weird kid anymore. You’re a grown-up person with an amazing husband who deeply and truly loves you just the way you are. You have two phenomenal little girls who also love you.

    You’re heading to a community who already accepts you as a dancer and a DJ.

    The bottom line is the only person who really has to like and accept you is YOU. The more you like and accept yourself, the more other people fall right into line. And you’ve done a great job this year moving forward on that path. Keep on going just the way you are. Everything is already just fine.

    And anyone who doesn’t accept you, just the way you are – F-’em if they can’t take a joke.

  6. Misty Says:
    August 20th, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Don’t be silly, woman, it’s going to be GREAT! But hey, resist the urge, Tamra, DON’T get a job! Just grab the girls and go explore your new home city! Everything will fall into place :)

  7. Tamra Says:
    August 21st, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Thanks everyone :-) . And thank you, Andy… it’s nice to know there is a dance community waiting for us with open arms.