Fighting The Battle
An overwhelming sense of guilt is suffocating me today. Well, not just today. Last night, too.
While I know that our choice to move to Seattle and live a life that we actually want to be a part of is the healthiest decision for us and our girls, the manipulative tears and careful “let’s not mention the fact that you’re moving” attitude stemming from my mother is killing me. She’s a wonderful person. She loves us all so dearly that she would never purposefully hurt me. “Purposefully” being the key word.
Emotion other than happiness and anger is rarely seen in my family. Sadness, mourning, tears- all of that has always been deemed stupid and unnecessary.
I wish that weren’t the case. It’s not how we function in my own little family that James and I are raising. Crying is never shameful- we know it’s a healthy, therapeutic part of life. However, that doesn’t change the fact that tears and unhappiness have never been anything other than a means to hurt me in the family in which I grew up. And tears on my own behalf has always been satisfactory proof to my family that they’ve succeeded in breaking me down.
I feel guilty for saying that. For telling the world that the majority of the few times I’ve seen my mother cry has been because she was using it as a tool- probably unknowingly- to sway me to do things her way. She’s not a bad person- very loving and sweet. But we all have our damaging traits. Passive aggressive manipulation is hers, and I’m a sucker for it.
Hurting people breaks me down on the inside in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. Despite my bad-ass attitude, I am much too nice to everyone. The thought of causing someone pain nearly cripples me, and when I am the source of some kind of strife, I can hardly breathe until I set things right.
My whole family and all of my local friends and acquaintances are not happy to see us move. Especially my mother.
And for that, I apologize. I feel sick to the core that so many people are hurting, but even worse that it’s made my mom cry. It has made it nearly impossible for me to sleep lately- the knowledge that I’m hurting people keeps racing around my head and forcing me to dwell on the tears over and over again.
But the logical side of me knows that I can’t listen to this.
I have to do what’s good for me. I have to get out of this place and learn how to live a life focused on myself and my family. I have to learn how to take care of my own needs instead of putting everyone else first.
I suck at that, and living under my parents’ roof for this last week has proved to me just how weak I really am in this department.
I am nothing more than just that mommy-and-daddy’s girl fighting to please them and preserving everyone’s fragile hearts.
Sometimes, I hate myself for that weakness, but more than anything, I am angry that even with all the counseling and medication and positive changes in my life, I still can’t seem to find a way to break through the smothering guilt that has ruled my life.
Who care if I’m happy, just as long as I don’t cause any pain for anyone else. No wonder I almost killed myself so many months ago.
Stupid. As soon as I’m away from here, this will pass. In the meantime, it’s threatening to break me down, and I’m unsure if I’m strong enough to fight it.
Current Mood:
Angry & 
Sad
August 31st, 2009 at 11:24 am
You are strong enough! Don’t doubt that.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
(((HUGS))) hang in there. it’s very difficult to see parental issues logically from inside their house… you know the move is best for you and your family, and right now is the hardest part about moving. you are currently stuck in limbo… and while it definitely sucks, there is a light at the end of your tunnel. hang on to it, and if you need any coffee to help you through the worst of it, just let me know! i’ll even send some hard liquor in there if you need just a little extra boost… ;P
anyways, hang in there. you can handle it!
August 31st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
You are definitely strong enough. And don’t look at it that you are hurting her (or anyone for that matter). You are not intentionally doing anything to hurt anyone – therefore they are allowing themselves to be hurt by your choice to live a happy life. That is not your fault.
I think you are making the best decision and I look forward to hearing of you and your family grow in your new home.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Thank you so much, everyone. Your support means more than I can tell you. It’s been a hard week, and I’ve got another week and a half to go.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
You are strong. You have already made your choices, and no amount of crying, comments made under the breath, or not so subtle hints can change that. My offer still stands. If you need some time away, I’m home on Weds, Friday afternoon, and the weekend. Your girls are more than welcome. The dogs are very good with kids.
August 31st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I feel like I have met a kindred spirit through you. My mother is the same way in so many ways. You just have to ignore it and know that she is only doing it to manipulate you, she would love if you stayed, but mostly she wants you to feel guilty for leaving.
August 31st, 2009 at 8:14 pm
I’m sorry Tamra! Emotional warfare (I know it’s a harsh way of saying it) is never good. I love my parents to death, but they are both pros at it as well. I’ve just hit some milestones within the family where I can finally stand up to them…at times.
And when you are having problems with depression already it’s just that much worse. I think I’m the only one who really has admitted to depression in my family and I still won’t go to a psych or get on more meds. Pride? Stupidity? Not sure. But I feel there is a big reason why I never left my hometown and it’s that invisible string my parents have on me. And I’ve sworn up and down to anyone who will listen that I will NOT do that my kids! Hopefully I’ll be strong enough to stand by that!
Keep strong Tamra, you’ll be in Seattle before you know it!
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 am
I’ve followed your blog for awhile now, (being a former fellow Tucsonan), and I would like to say that once all of this is in your “rearview mirror”, you will feel a sense of freedom and renewnal that will be so healthy for you and your family (meaning you, hubby and children). How your other relatives decide to “handle” this, is entirely their choice. I heard someone once say that “you are the architect of your own life”, and I thought that was such a cool way to phrase things. I recently moved from the ol’ Pueblo after enduring a lot of awful things in my own family – (that is how I found your blog, from OAD), and I can say that I’m healing. I’m accepting, and I kind of feel like a butterfly that is re-emerging out into the world. I have a child that I would like to be a positive influence for, and I needed to get out of the “spider’s web” that entrapped me in Tucson. Good God. I can finally breathe. I think you will feel this HUGE, HUGE weight lifted as you trek up north. Think of breathing that fresh, Northwestern air, appreciating the sharp crispness of the Northwest hues – blue sky, green, TREES, and grass. You are the Architect! It will be perfectly, wonderfully designed. I wish you much peace and joy!