The one who was, is, and always will be…
Depressed.
I know I’m supposed to be gushing about how happy and wonderful life is now that I’ve moved to Seattle and I’m living out my dreams and all that crap, but one simple fact remains: I am who I am. I’m that sarcastic snot of a human being who manages to turn snowflakes into shit on a good day. You know, Surprisingly Sane and all that stuff.
I’m not happy. Period. I feel so horribly sick admitting it to myself that I can hardly believe I just typed that out.
Don’t get me wrong. I love this place, and I’m happy that I moved here. I love Washington, the weather, the people, the city, my beautiful house, and the extreme liberalism that surrounds me. I love seeing Lake Washington practically every time I leave my home, and spending half my day outside in the fresh, cool air. It’s wonderful.
I have found my neighbors and the community here just flat-out incredible. I’ve done more in the last two weeks social-wise than I normally did in a month in Tucson, and I’ve just been playing it light. Easing into the whole world of wow, there are things to do here. There are just so many opportunities, so many ways to get involved, and so many really cool, friendly people. Plus, the internet world has been amazingly supportive and warm, and I couldn’t say thank you enough to everyone who has been there for me (especially my HB Mamas… you know who you are… I love my cookbook- thank you!)
For all those reasons and then some, it’s a huge relief to finally be living in a place that I know truly is home.
But dammit, the depression is just really smothering me lately, and the insomnia has been back full-force for days. The extreme stress of moving, trying to unpack and clean nearly the whole damn house myself, and the fact that I lost the ability to sit down at my computer for over a week to blog (thank goodness my internet is finally up and running) have been really tough. I use this blog as ongoing therapy, and not having it as my patient ear, the one that I don’t have to use my voice in order for it to listen, was really difficult for me. More so than I thought it would be.
And my husband, bless his heart, he’s a good guy, but he just can’t understand what I’m going through. He doesn’t see the inner-workings of my fucked up mind, the obssesive-compulsive thoughts that come from the stress and exhaustion, the self-loathing that I can’t just walk away from. On a bad day, I just can’t even hug him, and I can’t explain why.
Lately, that’s starting to become the norm, and I’m feeling a bit panicky about it. I don’t want to end up where I was so many months ago. I don’t want another trip to a crisis center or suicidal thoughts to keep me from living my life.
I’ve been doing really well, all things considered. I have a lot of happy moments, and I am enjoying being here so much more than I can say in a lot of ways. When I’m in the midst of doing something, I feel great. But then there’s that dark cloud hanging over my head. The one that just always follows me like a bad cartoon character.
And I’m so freaking sorry that I haven’t been able to talk to my husband about this. He’s been so happy and excited about life and all the opportunities here that I haven’t had the heart to burst his bubble. He’s no idiot, though, so I know he probably can’t fool himself into thinking I’m doing just peachy.
Ugh.
Shoot me. If this is what I’m like on happy pills, God help us all.
Current Mood:
Sad
Tags: Depression
September 26th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Well, first of all – wherever you go, there YOU are. That’s a fact. It’s not surprising that feelings are coming up for you at this time. Moving is one of the top things in terms of level of stress. This is a huge change for you on so many levels. And although it’s a positive change – you don’t have the same kind of support system in place yet. You have the kids full time with few breaks and a lot of responsibility. Now is the time to be extra loving and gentle with yourself. Get yourself to a therapist and someone to monitor your meds right away. You deserve that – it’s a good way to take care of yourself. Put down the whip and take up the feathers. Treat yourself as well as your treat others. And let James in – that’s the best for both of you. He may not understand what’s going on inside your brain – but he has no chance if you don’t let him in. He’s your biggest supporter – let him. I love you.
September 26th, 2009 at 5:53 am
it’s wonderful to have you back in the cyber world. i was definitely going through Surprisingly Sane withdrawl. i know if i didn’t have my blog i’d have to do something crazy…like go back to regular journal writing, and i’m not sure i even remember how to use a pen anymore! i hope that your blog continues to be a helpful tool for venting your emotions. going through such a big change in life for anybody is going to cause a ruckus in the emotion department, and for people like us… well, it can be a little more difficult. hang in there, and blog it out before it spills over. maybe an adjustment in meds wouldn’t go awry either? aw damn. i just emptied my coffee cup. as a last note… don’t worry about telling James how you feel, i think you just did.
straight from Nobody to Surprisingly Sane… i think you’re awesome, even when you’re crazy. now, TELL US ABOUT THE UKRAINAN GUY!!! um, please?
September 26th, 2009 at 6:37 am
First-we’re glad to have you back. I’ve even been checking your site from my phone since I’ve been so desperate for Tamra-isms. I know you needed to get this out, but I agree with Nobody on the Ukranian guy.
Now for the reason I actually responded- I’m sorry to hear things are hard right now, but you’re going through a HUGE adjustment. It’s normal to go through this after a major move. Even though it’s your house and your bed, you have to get used to sleeping there. On top of that, you’re away from your family for the first time, which doubles the burden. It’s good that you have your outlet back. The written word is very therapeutic. It’s good that you’re finding happiness in the midst of all of this. It gives you something to focus on when you’re feeling low. And if that doesn’t work, remember, you have a world of blog readers, Tucson, and now Seattle that love you. Your support system is set up, but for it to work, you gotta use it. My phone is always on, and I’m sure there are others that would just sit and listen so that you can get it all out (without the uphill both ways through a blizzard while a volcano erupts stories).
Lastly- I love seeing new pics of the girls on FB. They are both so beautiful. I was showing them off in class yesterday.
September 26th, 2009 at 7:43 am
simple yet very hard advice to follow .. find a therapist in your new area to help you sort things out a bit. I totally understand not feeling understood. lol that was a weird sentence, but it is so true. Maybe a higher dose of meds or a side med just for now to help you get over the hump. *hugs* We are always here to talk to, but sometimes you need something else and that is understandable.
September 26th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I can so relate to this: “I use this blog as ongoing therapy, and not having it as my patient ear, the one that I don’t have to use my voice in order for it to listen…” And having to live without the ability to purge all of that when you needed to had to have been hard.
Glad you are back online and writing! I’ve missed your posts!
Good luck with all the unpacking! Maybe once it is all in place and its finally “home” you’ll get some rest
September 26th, 2009 at 9:35 am
You know that I’m awful at organizing my thoughts, so I’ll just have to say that I second Roseanne! Big hugs and I’m glad that you’re back!
September 26th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I hope you settle in and things turn up for you soon. Moving is very challenging. I’m here if you need to talk.
September 26th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I’m sad you are depressed (suspected as much). I’m depressed too, just too much stuff going on right now… I’ll be there in less than a week, that’ll cheer us both up a bunch I’m sure! Going to Ikea will help
September 26th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I’m sorry you are feeling this way Tamra. I think we’ve all been there at some point when life gets rough and things are hectic. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, but I don’t unfortunately but I will be praying for you. (((HUGS)))
September 26th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted to give you a big cyber *HUG*. Even people as far away as Canada care for you!
September 27th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I love your blog and I love your wit and I’m so sad to hear that you’re feeling so down. I hope that being able to blog again will help.