Subhuman
I’m having some serious body image issues lately, and I just can’t seem to get past them.
Part of the OCD I struggle with are reoccurring, obsessive, negative thoughts. Starting at about 6 weeks postpartum, it got so bad I couldn’t sleep because I was so fixated on how much I hated the hideous stretch marks on my hips and below my navel. Or how the prolapse made me less than human. Or how much I despised my vagina after having two kids. So on and so forth. I could go on for days. You get the picture.
And it was weird, you know? Because it’s not like any of those things really truly do cause problems or actually matter in the whole scheme of things. The stretch marks aren’t bad or noticeable to anyone except me. Shit, I can still get away with wearing a bikini, for crying out loud. Not very many mamas of two are comfortable doing that, and I know what a damn blessed bitch I am for being able to post that on the internet (*ducks rotten tomatoes*). The prolapse… well, it sucks, I won’t lie, but after the physical therapy, it’s not really as much of a problem anymore. Sure, I still get discomfort in my lower back and abdomen from it, and from time to time I deal with some of the effects of it, however, in general, it’s a non-issue. And as far as vaginas go… it’s not like it doesn’t work just fine. A little pain sometimes, but it’s minor. And my husband sure doesn’t complain. Quite the opposite, in fact.
So someone explain to me: Why on earth am I still struggling with negative thoughts regarding all these things? How is it I can logically know one thing but feel another way entirely? Am I completely nuts for still freaking out internally in the middle of sex that maybe things don’t feel right even though there’s no mistaking the fact that my husband is enjoying the hell out of it? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just don’t understand it. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel something other than subhuman. Why is it so many women feel empowered, incredible after giving birth… and yet I feel so damaged and broken? I mean, is this really how most women feel but they just don’t admit it?
God, I hate this.
Current Mood:
Sad
October 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
You are not nuts. I have different quirks with my OCD and negative thoughts, but it still leaves me with the same kind of questions. Why is this still going on even after the year (2 years now for me)of giving birth? I know that my thoughts are not right, but I still have to fight to not believe them. I can reason them out, yet they won’t go away. I don’t have the answers hun. I really REALLY wish I did so I could make it stop. Things will get better (They have to!) even when they feel like they won’t. Keep moving forward.
October 14th, 2009 at 2:26 am
It truly is related to body chemistry and balancing that in a way that works for you. That’s why it’s so important to find a therapist and a psychiatrist that can help with that balance – and balance is a great way for you to think about it. You’re a dancer, you understand balance and that’s what you’re striving for in your body chemistry. love you.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I will tell you that I don’t feel empowered after having giving birth. I am proud of and amazed at what my body can do … but I’m also a little embarrassed by how stretched out everything is and how everything looks different now. You’re definitely not alone in feeling a little gross/damaged/broken. I hope you can find a new therapist to talk to soon so that you can start working some of this out and feeling a little better about yourself. I think you’re pretty awesome personally.