A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I’m With Stupid: (in a superior tone) So… what do you DO all day long while you stay home with the kids?

Me: Take care of the kids.

I’m With Stupid: (annoyed) Yes, of course.  But what do you DO?

Me: Well… take care of the kids.  Try to keep up with the mess.  Laundry.  It’s more than a full-time job.

I’m With Stupid: Well, so does that mean you’re not going to look for work at all? You’re just going to stay home with the kids?

Me: Um, James and I agreed that staying at home is the best thing for the girls right now, so that’s what I’ve chosen to do.  Once they are in school, I’ll go back to work.  For now, it makes more sense for me to be home.  And it’s not like I’m not bringing in any money.  I’m still teaching dance and I get paid for my DJ gigs and I do website design from home.

I’m With Stupid: Oh, well, I’m not saying you’re not bringing in any money…

*yes you are, bitch*

I’m With Stupid: I’m just saying… shouldn’t you get a job so you’re not bored?

Me: That would assume I have time to be bored.

……….

I’m With Stupid: So… what websites are you working on right now?  (snidely)  One for another… dancer? (Make that last word sound dirtier than the word “fuck” to get appropriate tone.)

Me: No, actually I’m in the final stages of finishing one up for [insert business here].

I’m With Stupid: (suddenly interested) Oh really? Well. That’s neat, I guess. What does it look like? (approaches me and Ralph)

Me: Right now it looks halfway finished because James isn’t done with the back end yet. We’re not ready to go live.

I’m With Stupid: Oh, I see.  So you don’t really do the work.  You just do the design. James does all the work.

Me: I do all the design and front end, which is more than half the work on this particular site.

I’m With Stupid: (sour smile and nodding) Uh huh.

……….

Yesterday I managed to leave the keys in the ignition, lock the door, and close it.  Didn’t realize I’d locked myself out of my car until I’m With Stupid, the kids, and I were finally leaving the store. We spent an hour waiting for James to catch the bus and light rail to get home, jump in his car, and be our knight in shining armor.  I’m With Stupid managed to slip a nice remark towards me:

Scenario: Shifting my screaming baby from one hip to the other while trying to dig my phone out of my pocket.

I’m With Stupid: Oh. What did you lose this time?

……….

Setting: In the kitchen, after James and I scrubbed the dishes and I’d cleared the counter of my cookie-baking supplies.

I’m With Stupid: (walking into kitchen) Oh, this looks nice.

James: Oh, thanks!  Yeah, we hadn’t gotten the chance to get it cleared off last night like we usually do.  It’s hard keeping up with the kids.

I’m With Stupid: Well.  (examines the countertop) This looks pretty.

Me: Thank you. It’s granite.

I’m With Stupid: (impressed for half a second)  Granite, huh.  Wow.  Very expensive.

James: Yeah, but we can’t take any credit for it.  The previous owners installed it.  We’re just reaping the benefits.

I’m With Stupid: (eyeing me) Well, I’m just saying.  It is very pretty, but it was such a mess that I couldn’t see it until now.

……….

Scene: Next morning, cleaning up yet again.

James: Ugh, it’s so hard keeping up with the kids’ mess.

Me: I know. It’ll be a relief when they can help keep the place in order.

James: (joking) Yeah, we can just hand off all the chores for them to do while we kick back.

I’m With Stupid: (from the table, sipping tea with her nose in the air)  So much work for kids to do. James, well, you never had to do anything like that while you were living at home.

Me: (losing my battle with self-control) Yes, I could tell (imagine sarcastic smile). And as a result I had to teach him how to clean up his own shit when we got married.  Not the way I plan to raise my kids.  Cleaning up after myself is hard enough as it is.  Keeping up with three extra people… not possible.

James: Yeah, I really had to learn how to help out more. It wasn’t fair to Tamra. Our kids are just going to have to learn it sooner in life.

……….

Shall I go on?  Do I really need to?

Yes. I know I’m a failure. And a moron. I have three degrees and I’m not working a job using a single one of them right now. Chaos finds its way into my home on a daily basis because I lack the ability to keep on top of clutter. My family wasn’t wealthy, and I grew up wearing hand-me-downs and clearance-rack shoes that made me a laughingstock at the Catholic school I attended. I lost my fucking mind a year ago and almost killed myself. I bought a 109-year-old house because I was more attracted to a home with a century of character and beauty than one that was built this year… even though that’s not the way I’m With Stupid would do things.

Look, I know I’m as far from perfect as one can possibly get, but give me a break. I’m human. I try hard to be a good person and a good mom, wife, friend, and everything else under the sun. At least I admit my faults and realize my shit doesn’t smell like roses. Stop mocking me because I’m proud of a life that you consider to be of a “lesser class” than yours.

For the record, I am relieved to announce that I’m With Stupid is on a plane headed home right this very second.

I was finished gritting my teeth, and I only have so much control of the words that fly out of my mouth when someone crosses the line.

I deserve a fucking Oscar from this weekend’s “you’re not getting to me” performance. Either that or a seat next to the saints in heaven when I finally croak.

Current Mood: Angry

I hope Crayola Markers are as non-toxic as they claim to be.

April eats at least one a day.  Makes for a colorful toddler, that’s for sure.

Current Mood: Alarmed