One Of The Reasons I’m So Fucked Up
I don’t like talking about this, but I feel like I have to get it out so that maybe one day I can get past this.
One of the blogs I read on a daily basis is one written by a lovely woman who survived some pretty horrible sexual abuse as a child. It’s been eye-opening delving into her path to acceptance, recovery, and journey through healing.
I have spent my entire life pretending that certain things never happened to me. I never want to use words like “molested” and “raped” because it admits to being victimized. I was taught that victims are frequently weak. Weak in my mind… well, it means that I was somehow deserving of what happened. They were things I could have, should have stopped. If I had been stronger, even as a child, I could have walked away from the situations before they ever happened. It was my fault I was taken advantage of. But it’s not. I know that logically, but I have never been able to get past the nagging voice that I am somehow responsible for what happened.
It is very, very difficult for me to admit that as a result of the abuse that happened, I have some pretty messed up reactions to certain situations and things. The control the Catholic Church takes over sexuality, and the way my family taught me that I was a dirty human being if I had sex before marriage adds some serious complications to the equation.
I am horribly ashamed to admit that I don’t believe I will ever be “okay” sexually. I will probably always struggle with feeling disgusted with my body or embarrassed to admit that something feels good once the orgasm happens. In the moment, sometimes I can let go completely. But then I realize that I allowed myself to enjoy a sensation that I learned to be a forbidden thing before marriage- and one that I sinfully admit to having time and time again- by the Church. Or I experience a sexual thrill at a memory of being taken advantage of because for some fucked up reason, I sometimes get aroused at the thought of being abused.
Today, I am overwhelmed by the memories and the understanding that I have been living a life tainted by what happened to me. No amount of denial, therapy, repression, etc., can erase the damaging events that have taken place in my stupid little life. And to think that what happened to me was so minor in comparison to the abuse that others have sustained makes me feel positively ill. I feel so pathetic.
God, I’m a mess.
Current Mood:
Sad
Tags: Abuse
November 19th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Sending great huge big hugs. What you said in your last paragraph, I wish I could have the words to convince you it is not true – your life is not stupid and you are not pathetic. What happened to you is not minor and does not need to be minimalized when compared to other’s experiences. It is a part of your history and that makes it very, very significant. You are right though no amount of therapy or denial will ever change what has happened. Coming out and talking about it so openingly is very courageous. I am in awe of the courage it took for you to be so honest in all aspects of your life – even the ones that are difficult to talk about.
November 19th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Hi, Tamra -
My heart is breaking for you right now. I know so well the pain you are feeling . . . the absolute certainty that you will never be whole and happy.
May I quote a paragraph from the “Courage to Heal” book . . . ??
“It is possible to heal. It is even possible to thrive . . . thriving means enjoying a feeling of wholeness, satisfaction in your life and work, genuine love and trust in your relationships, pleasure in your body.”
That single paragraph has given me hope. There are so many others who have gone before me on this journey — and they claim they have found significant healing. I have found a certain level of healing already. My hope is strong.
You are an amazing woman. You are very brave to share this part of your story. Because you have broken your silence, other women (and men) will find a glimmer of hope . . . I promise you have just become a hero for many. Bless you.
My thoughts are with you.
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
November 19th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
As I have not experienced sexual abuse, I really can’t say anything on that topic except that it’s not your fault. I’ve been around some of these assholes that commit crimes against children, and their wires are crossed. Somewhere in their mind, they thing the children enjoy it. That is beside the point though. I posted this comment to say that fantasies, no matter what they are, are fantasies. There are days that I have some pretty twisted ones. As long as we don’t act on these, we’re ok. What goes on in our heads is between us and our orgasms. I’m not making light of what you’ve said, but it’s true. Sometimes our minds just wander into places we’d rather not imagine ourselves going. Mine does it all of the time. As ashamed as I am of my body, I’ve imagined being tied up naked in the middle of town and left there. Does it make sense? No. Did it help me to get off? Yes. You’re not the only one out there.
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
The thoughts and feelings never go away, but day by day they become more tolerable, and one day…I hope it will disappear forever, I don’t know, I haven’t reached that point. The flashbacks lessen, even though one trigger can bring them back to life. I’ve been blessed with a compassionate and understanding husband who helps me work through them and replaces that memory with another, more beautiful one. We are who we are because of what hand life has dealt us… Never minimalize what you have gone through, it has turned you into a beautiful, compassionate, and wonderful woman who is not afraid to share her past life with those of us lucky enough to stumble upon your blogs. I appreciate your honesty and strength and honor the fact that you are willing to share. Please know that you make a difference with everyone whose life you’ve touched and we are all the better for knowing you!