The Pill. You know… that one.
Several years ago… wait, no, scratch that. Many, many years ago, long before I even knew how sex actually worked- you know, back when Mary gave birth to Jesus in a stable surrounded by goats and stuff, I started taking The Pill.
It was a final desperate attempt to conquer the horrible cases of The Period and The Cramps and The Acne that were killing me not-so-softly after I survived The Surgery during my junior year of high school. I tried everything before resorting to that sinful thing known as Birth Control, but alas, the prescription painkillers, vegetarian diet, long-distance running, and regular visits to the dermatologist could do little to curb the obscene case of *dum-dum duuuuum* The Adolescence From Hell I was doomed to experience.
When my period decided to show up every two and a half weeks and I bled heavily for a week solid for a few months straight, I decided to take my chances of going to hell, took my doctor’s advice, and popped a pill of hormones into my mouth every morning while I prayed to God for forgiveness. I even managed to remain as pure and virginous (shut the hell up, spellchecker, I don’t care if that’s not a word!) as a high-school student could possibly be. With the exception of, you know, the occasional *gasp* bout of masturbation. YES, WORLD… I have touched myself to get that special feeling between my thighs more than once, and I KNOW I’M GOING TO HELL FOR IT… but oh fucking well. EVERYONE DOES IT. I’m just one of the few who aren’t afraid to announce it. And to admit that I recently bought an adorable green caterpillar-shaped vibrator that I have even used yet. I know, shame on me.
Eh hem, anyway.
So I took The Pill and it solved all my problems. Acne? Gone. Period? Normal. Cramps? Deceased. All those things I’d thrown up my hands in utter desperation for God to please have mercy on me and make them stop… all of it was just wiped clean from my body. Those damn oral contraceptives did the trick just like my doctors said they would. Imagine that.
I took them for several years because I also later discovered that they allowed James and I to fuck like rabbits without producing offspring (shocking, I know). But then, Catholic guilt (and other things I don’t want to get into right now) got to me. I stopped taking them several months before I got married during my time of abstinence so that I could repent my evil ways and begin the preparation necessary to use The Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning, one of the “fertility awareness and appreciation” methods that the Church actually condones.
Five years of marriage, two kids, a mental breakdown (or three hundred fifty-two of ‘em), and a holy-shit-I-lost-count-at-week-five amount of happy pills later, I have finally, finally made a Really. Stupid. Realization: I was on birth control for five years, and not a single one of those years did I even have so much as an engagement ring on my finger. And all this time, I have been at war, caught between my my pure terror of getting pregnant again while fighting my retarded, malfunctioning biological baby-makin’ clock that says “wouldn’t it be so great to pop another gigantic, quarter-Chinese baby from your loins?“, and my true hate for those freaking things known as condoms. Somewhere in the midst of this battle, it dawned on me that there is a very simple answer that would solve all these problems: The Pill. Gah! I felt like smacking myself upside the head when I consciously thought of this. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN THINKING?
Oh wait, I can answer that. I WASN’T THINKING.
So on a whim, I decided that since my husband has yet to get his balls snipped and I really don’t want to have to go through with surgery again (Ack! Needles! IN MY VEIN!), I was gonna take matters into my own hands and go back on The Pill.
While I never liked pumping hormones into my body all that much, I can’t deny that the benefits were great. The super cool Seattle midwife/naturopathic doctor I met with last week wrote me out a prescription for the old pill I used to take, and I start it tomorrow. And in the meantime, I asked her if she could find out if using a non-hormone IUD would be compatible with my prolapse as a healthy alternative. I have an appointment set with her next month for a regular health/mental health check-up and she’ll let me know if she thinks the IUD would be worth a try for someone in my situation.
I’ll keep you posted. And as a side note, if I get pregnant now that I’ll be able to toss the condoms aside, I’m gonna lose my mind permanently.
Current Mood:
Cool
Tags: Birth Control, Sex
December 13th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Good for you for taking charge for yourself.
December 13th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Every time I go two months without a period and am in panic mode that I might be pregnant again, I seriously consider having a hysterectomy. Maybe not even one done by a doctor, just one to knock out any chance of ever having to go 9 months of pregnancy, and a lifetime of another person to care for. One is enough. I’m done.
Keep us updated! I hope things work out the way you want them to!
December 13th, 2009 at 9:59 am
LOL Sally I know what you mean! I’m on the pill and usually my period comes in the morning-afternoon well this past time it didn’t start until like 9pm and the entire I was freaking out thinking I was pregnant(anxiety much?).
December 13th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Yay!! Condoms suck. We literally can’t use them. They cut off circulation to Kyle’s penis because they are so tight…yes, even the big ones…and he can’t get off. Last time I was on the pill it sent me into one of the worst emotional melt-downs I’ve ever had, so I went with the IUD. I frigging love it!! I have the copper one, no hormones. The one with hormones doesn’t last as long, and can cause your period to disappear completely. I hold to a firm belief that your body cleanses itself for a reason, and I don’t want to interrupt the cleansing process. Plus, it’s the little monthly reminder that I’m NOT pregnant, which is always good to know. The IUD hurts a little going in…and kind of leaves you with a feeling of rough menstrual cramps for the rest of the day, otherwise, I never notice it. Plus my monthly cramps aren’t nearly as bad as they were without it. I hope it works out for you.
December 13th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Hey, let me know how the IUD goes (if that works out). That’s something I haven’t considered but it might be really nice since Scotty and I don’t want kids for a few years…
December 14th, 2009 at 10:13 am
RIGHT ON!!! The pill is a miracle, I’ve been on it for 10 years now and just can’t say enough good things about birth control. As you realized, it’s such a great and almost worry-free way to prevent pregnancy AND get your body in synch. I HATE that there’s such a stigma attached to it…way to embrace it, liberated woman!!!
December 14th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I got the Mirena IUD as soon as I could after the baby. I had the same experience as Mia having it inserted. Mirena does have hormones – but at a much lower does than the pill. I don’t have the undesirable side effects the pill use to cause me, including weight gain. I still get periods, but they are very, very light. It last 5 years before it has to be replaced – and it can be removed sooner if desired. I figure 5 years would be the decision check point for wanting baby #2… so works for me