Oh Shit, How Did I Get Here?
Last night I went to a “shady” blues bar to go dancing and was having a great time until… well, some smokin’ hot guy breathed into my ear, “So is your husband in town?”.
I have never had someone be so forward with me like that before, and it really caught me off guard.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. Such is the culture of blues dancing, I guess. I’m just used to the west coast swing world, where one can have an incredibly intimate, sexy dance, then walk off the floor leaving all that behind. But then again, I’ve never been the kind of person to frequent bars, so maybe that’s just how things are on the “club scene”.
Sometimes, I feel so sheltered and innocent. Yes, me. Mrs. married-with-two-kids-and-a-piercing-on-my-cha-cha. I never had the “typical” college party experience. You know, the kind where I was supposed to live on my own for the first time, sneak into over-21-parties, skip class due to the hangover from hell, sleep with a random guy or five.
Not that any of that is glamorous in the least. But the fact is, I used to watch other students at the university and wish I could be in their shoes for at least a day. Just to see what it was like. Did they get more out of the experience than I did? Probably not. Maybe they just walked away feeling empty while I sauntered off with an engagement ring and academic awards. The funny thing is, I’m sure most of those people stepped into a successful life not necessarily all that different from my own once they got past their “typical” college experience.
I lived at home until my wedding day, with the exception of a 1-semester “dorm life” experience my sophomore year and a summer in Germany for a study-abroad program. I never slept around, didn’t really party, and worked my ass off to do well in school. That was all in addition to working full-time as a ballroom dance instructor and being completely committed to my college sweetheart, a.k.a. my husband. I got married nearly a year after I graduated and went back for more school the semester after earning my degree.
In a way, it was the best life one could ask for. However, in some ways it was a rather unhealthy college experience. I missed out on so much, particularly learning independence, so when I’m hit with situations like what happened last night, I find it really quite shocking.
You hear about that kind of shit happening all the time, see it on TV, etc., but when it actually happens to you for the first time, it kind of throws you for a loop.
I didn’t want to be an asshole, so after I gasped a dumb, “Wait… what?” and he repeated the question, I sort of laughed and said my husband was definitely in town and I casually dropped a line about having two kids as well. His response was smooth. He’d done that sort of thing before, I figured.
“Aw, darn, well I had to ask at least.”
Seriously? Holy cow. How are you supposed to handle that sort of thing? Did I deal with it right? There was no “How to respond to one-night-stand-propositions 101″ course back in college, and I missed the social part of young adulthood that learned out to gracefully handle that kind of shit. Or maybe that isn’t as common as it seems and the movies lie. Maybe there really isn’t a way to handle that gracefully.
And as for the idea of casual sex, I just couldn’t do it. I have nothing against those who can, but I just can’t. I’ve always been a goody-goody in that department.
Have you ever been asked that sort of thing, and what was your response?
Current Mood:
Alarmed
December 16th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
That was a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with it. You let him off easy without being an asshole (which I would have reccommended if he persisted). Kyle got propositioned several times in IBTs, he just kept twlling them that I was his wife. It happens now and again.
December 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
way to go hot mama! sometimes i wish a hot guy would proposition me in a very safe, public area just so that i can have confirmation that i am indeed still an attractive female to unbiased eyes. but alas, i don’t think i’ve been to anywhere other than wal mart in the last 2 years at least.
i think you handled the situation just fine. although, the only comparable situation i was ever in was when i was in college 8 years ago. i was walking to a friend’s dorm room across campus when a ghetto sled rolled up and said “yo! can i tap that?!” i yelled back “no” and ran to my friend’s dorm room. fun times.
December 16th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Kyle had someone offer him a “smoke” the other night, and someone ask to go back to his place. These little twinks were whores! But it was so funny!And Nobody, I think i would’ve responded the same way in your situation too!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
When I went out the last time with a few girl friends there was a waiter that told me he honestly couldn’t believe I’d had a kid and ver obviously ran his eyes over my body up and down (and I turned all sort of funny shades of pink). After that he kept making comments referencing the fact that I looked really good and it just made me progressively more uncomforatble. I’m only 21, so I think that when I go out without Caleb and Roree people assume I’m not married and don’t have a child. In college and high school I used to love flirting ans insinuating at things that *could* (but wouldn’t) happen, I was a bit of a party girl, but I never had one-night stands or anything like that. Now I feel awkward when boys talk to me. I probably would’ve handled your situation exactly the same as you did, right down to the “wait, what?”. Yay for getting hit on! Not that I’m surprised though, you’re freaking gorgeous.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Oh, children – the smokin’ hot guy was a GUY! And guys (not all, but some) do that. When they see a beautiful, sexy woman that they might be interested in, they go for it. If you don’t ask, you have no chance of getting. They know they’re going to be shot down a large percentage of the time, but they still go for it on the off chance of getting a “yes” response. Your response is totally appropriate for you, and you made yourself very clear. No harm, no foul. People play by lots of different rules and do what works for them. You can’t fault the guy for trying – I mean, look at you. And you’re under no obligation to respond in any way except the way that you’re comfortable with. Frankly, it’s just a lovely compliment and if I were you, I’d enjoy it for what it was.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Being your husband, of course I don’t LOVE hearing about you getting propositioned, but I’m not surprised. You’re super hot and even hotter when you dance.
I think your response was appropriate.
But Rosanne, I think your perspective implies that guys have zero responsibility in situations like this. I agree that generally girls set the limits and guys push them, but you’re taking it to an extreme.
A man still has a functional brain and should be able to comprehend that a “yes” response from a married woman will have a dramatic impact on at least her spouse and at most an entire family.
I know there are people out there who have no respect for marriage and really are that selfish, but I don’t think it should be condoned or dismissed as “just the way it is.”
December 17th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
You’re right, James – I didn’t mean to imply that the guy has zero responsibility. I was being a little bit flip. Being single, I do not mind that type of flirtation – whether I’m interested in following up on it or not – it’s just fun sometimes. I think that people do and say things on the spur of the moment or on the off chance of getting a positive response. They are certainly not thinking, at least in that moment, of the impact on someone’s spouse or family, but merely of the gratification of the moment.
Also, I was saying that I’m not at all surprised that Tamra would get the occasional remark from males – like James said – you are HOT – and partly, I was reminding you (Tamra) of that fact, especially in light of the issues that you deal with and the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself and your body, etc. Clearly, you were not considering acting on that comment, so I was encouraging you to look at the positive aspect of it and to affirm that you are attractive and desirable.
And, bottom line, you can’t control other people’s behavior – or what they think, say and do – you can only control your own response and your own actions and proceed with your own integrity, no matter what the situation.
December 21st, 2009 at 11:38 am
James, Rosanne did say SOME guys, not all. And it goes both ways. There are also women out there who love to hit on married guys, and I actually think it might be even more common. The fact is, that people love to have the physical attention without the emotional commitment. To have the flair for the evening, without dealing with the long term implications. But unfortunately, people do not respect marriage, and it is normally the people who are in the marriages. To use a dance term, it takes two to tango. Just women are better at keeping thier mouth shut about their exploits.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:54 am
Haha, you’re so cute! And yes, you DID miss out on some fun by denying yourself the “typical” college experience — I left my goodie-two-shoes behind after being so opressed in high school, and I’m damn glad I did, too…I partied hard and STILL made decent marks in class (well, mostly
, so don’t get all haughty about your academic dedication, which did NOT teach you how to deal with the world’s bar-hopping horny males, you prude!!! ;P
Oh, and in answer to your question, when gross/drunk/unwanted guys approached us at clubs, I would just throw my arms around my beautiful best friend and tell the guy we were SO very gay for eachother’s vaginas…usually worked pretty well
Glad you got your first illicit “hey, baby, nice shoes, wanna f*?” out of the way though…you know it won’t be the last! lol James, where were you on this one, JEEZE!!!!!!!