On Memory Loss
A close friend of my family was diagnosed with a “very aggressive” form of Alzheimer’s this year, and this knowledge has affected me a lot more than I like admitting.
Admitting pain is hard for me. Pain, fear, sadness… somehow, they all seem to symbolize a weakness that I was inadvertently taught to fight- the fact that I am utterly and undeniably human. To be perfectly honest, I am glad that I am only human, so I fail to understand why I fight those emotions. Funny how life works, huh?
I spent a lot of time at this woman’s house growing up. Her daughter was one of my closest friends as a child. Later, after her wonderful husband died tragically, she married one of my family’s other close friends. We celebrated holidays together, found strength in each other during hard times, and knew there was always a family that we could trust nearby.
Nightmares of her steady deterioration have been plaguing me. Namely because it’s an illness that she can only fight so hard before it consumes her. Like the depression almost killed me. Except I was lucky enough that anti-depressants could help. Her medication can only delay the inevitable.
Last year’s severe point of depression during the holidays was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. I had no control over what was happening to me, and the haze that accompanied every moment of my waking hours left me with little memory of that time. Knowing that I missed out on the first several months of April’s life angers and frustrates me. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help the thought ‘what kind of a mother am I?’ that likes to sneak up on me.
I have no idea what my friend’s mom is experiencing, and I am terrified that someday I, too, will fall victim to something like Alzheimer’s. Losing my mind (again) is one of my greatest fears.
Currently, I am trying to allow myself to grieve for this woman. It’s amazing how hard it is for me to let the pain come and to shed the tears necessary for me to accept this.
I can’t imagine what her poor family is going through.
Current Mood:
Sad
December 21st, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Oh I’m sorry Tamra, that’s such a horrible disease. I think it’s good you’re letting yourself grieve for this woman and what she’s going through.
December 21st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
the women on my mother’s side of the family are notoriously absent minded in their old age, and due to my own early onset of absent-mindedness, my husband and i were just discussing that the other day. playing out my own version of “The Notebook” is a deep seated fear of mine. your friend has my heartfelt sympathies during these hard times.
December 21st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I’m so sorry for your family’s friend and her entire family. My dad’s mom -who happened to be the grandparent I was the closest to, the woman who taught me how to sew (and made me pull out seems when I didn’t sew them straight) and spent hours writing stories with me in the weeks every summer that I stayed with her- had Alzheimers for several years before finally dying from a stroke (my dad made the call not to try to revive her … I can’t imagine …)
Alzheimers is a really nasty thing. I’m terrified I’ll have it when I grow old. I didn’t know much about it at first and would visit my grandma (nervously) every week or so … until I went to visit her in the nursing home one day and she asked my dad who that pretty young woman with him was. I thought she was joking for a second and smiled at her, until I realized she was dead serious and starting to get frustrated by the smile on my face that showed she should know me. I didn’t go back to see her after that, but my dad kept going almost every day. She thought he was part of the nursing staff. Her own son. I can’t imagine what he went through but I have more respect for him than I had ever had before. He was one of 7 children, the second youngest in fact, and he was the only one who kept going back to see her.
And now that I’ve sent myself into a bought of tears I’ll stop. If you need to talk I’m here and know what its like though.
December 21st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I am so sorry Tamra. I’ve never known anyone who suffered from Alzheimer’s. My step-grandmother has a less severe version of it though. She suffered two severe strokes in a row and it has made her lose a lot of her memory. She calls my grandpa by her first husbands name(he died years and years ago). It takes her awhile to remember who we are when we go to visit and she gets confused easily. I remember how she was before the stroke and it breaks my heart to see her suffer. The worst part is I think she knows that something isn’t right. It’s like she is trapped in her mind or something. Like she’ll get mad at herself when she calls someone by the wrong name, like she knows she should know who they are put can’t put her finger on it. She gets so upset and will just bawl. That scares me to think that could be me one day.
I will keep your friend and for all of you in my prayers.
December 21st, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I don’t have any personal experience with Alzheimers, but a patient where my mom works has it. I just thought I would share a few of her stories.
When she started forgetting things, her husband bought a new red convertible. Every day, when he struggled to get her places, he would tell here there was a surprise in the garage. She would walk out there, see the convertible, and exclaim “For Me! I’ve always wanted one!”
Then as she was forgetting to wash certain areas in the shower each day, her husband would ask her if she would like to shower. When she would say yes, he would get that look in his eye, and ask to join her. That’s how he made sure she was clean.
To her, each of these things were romantic things that seemed out of the ordinary. To him they were maintenance things to help him ease through the process. I don’t know how quickly her Alzheimers progressed, and how long they worked, but it gave him some fond memories during a time that could quickly become discouraging. I’ll pray for your friend, and hope that it goes as easy as possibly.
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:06 am
That is very sad
My grandfather was a victim of Alzheimers, and it was incredibly hard to watch him, over the course of several years, be consumed by it. I feel for your friend’s family, and for you. *hugs*
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:05 am
I am so sorry to hear that. Alzheimers and other progressively deteriorating diseases are so difficult. A friend of mine lost her father a little over a week ago to Alzheimers. It is hard to see someone you love go through an awful illness — it makes me remember how important it is to “love” while you have the opportunity because as I’ve gotten older, I have realized there are no certainties in life. A big cyber hug to you.