Resolutions
Monday, January 4th, 2010This month marks my 1-year-anniversary of starting treatment for postpartum depression. Even though I didn’t even think to set a New Year’s resolution at the time, it ended up being the year where I finally learned that taking care of myself is an absolute necessity for survival. Imagine that.
I have to wonder: when does postpartum depression no longer qualify as a perinatal mood disorder? And once it’s moved on from “postpartum”, what’s it classified as? Is it just depression? Just a mental disorder? Was it caused by the crazy postpartum hormones, and will it stick with me forever, or was I always just a nut and didn’t snap completely until after I had kids?
I know I am a survivor of a very debilitating mental disorder, and I should be proud of that fact. And I am, trust me. However, I won’t deny the fact that part of me mourns for the fact that I will probably never experience normalcy that isn’t a result of anti-depressants or some kind of treatment. There is so much family history before me that has struggled with depression, and I fear that looking at that history is just a glimpse of my own future. Except, luckily, I wasn’t too proud to seek help.
Today I feel sad. I wish I had a resolution to make that included something “normal” like most people. Like saving a certain amount of money, or starting a new workout routine. Instead, my resolution is to continue trying to get through each day and to stop being the pushover and doormat that I’ve always been. Sure, it sounds like a great resolution when I type it out, but I find it upsetting that I even have to actively force myself to do things that just come naturally to healthy people.
Current Mood:
Sad
Cool