Resolutions
This month marks my 1-year-anniversary of starting treatment for postpartum depression. Even though I didn’t even think to set a New Year’s resolution at the time, it ended up being the year where I finally learned that taking care of myself is an absolute necessity for survival. Imagine that.
I have to wonder: when does postpartum depression no longer qualify as a perinatal mood disorder? And once it’s moved on from “postpartum”, what’s it classified as? Is it just depression? Just a mental disorder? Was it caused by the crazy postpartum hormones, and will it stick with me forever, or was I always just a nut and didn’t snap completely until after I had kids?
I know I am a survivor of a very debilitating mental disorder, and I should be proud of that fact. And I am, trust me. However, I won’t deny the fact that part of me mourns for the fact that I will probably never experience normalcy that isn’t a result of anti-depressants or some kind of treatment. There is so much family history before me that has struggled with depression, and I fear that looking at that history is just a glimpse of my own future. Except, luckily, I wasn’t too proud to seek help.
Today I feel sad. I wish I had a resolution to make that included something “normal” like most people. Like saving a certain amount of money, or starting a new workout routine. Instead, my resolution is to continue trying to get through each day and to stop being the pushover and doormat that I’ve always been. Sure, it sounds like a great resolution when I type it out, but I find it upsetting that I even have to actively force myself to do things that just come naturally to healthy people.
Current Mood:
Sad
January 4th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Sometimes, I think you make a lot of assumptions about “healthy” people. I’m not sure who those “healthy” people are. To me, healthy is taking good care of yourself – the way you have been, especially in the last year. Everybody deals with “stuff.” You just happen to be courageous enough to acknowledge it and share it in a public forum – which is something I greatly admire and respect about you. You are healthy, and making a resolution to get through each day in ways that make sense for you is both normal and healthy. Making a resolution to make positive changes in your behavior, attitudes and choices is normal and healthy. Keep on keepin’ on – you’re doing great (chemical assistance or not) – it takes a smart and healthy person to realize that they need help and get it and use it. <3
January 5th, 2010 at 6:02 am
If it’s any consolation my resolutions are to get married and find a job I like… only because I’m not going to have one in less than 2 weeks. Not very lofty goals, just achievable, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. So I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking care of yourself- it’s very important that you do!
January 5th, 2010 at 6:28 am
One thing I’ve noticed as I’ve met more and more people is that no one is normal. Everyone has their own quirks. My resolution is not to let food run my life, because as much as I hate to admit it, it does. I get to help Kyle work through his lack of nicotine mood swings right now, because he had (what started out as one) cigar on the cruise ship. The pictures you see with a white picket fence and smiling family are just that. Pictures. They don’t show what goes on behind the scenes. Anyone can smile, hell, even make it look genuine. You need to keep the healthy attitude. You’re nothing but normal. You have to look out for your mental health the way I do for my physical health. I’ve always resented not being able to stay thin without A LOT of extra work. Not being able to eat what I wanted to, just because. The thing is, the longer you resent something like that, the longer it has power over you. I’ve decided to just rejoice in the fact that I’m unique. My weight helped keep me from being one of the “lemmings” that we went to high school with. Your mental health did the same for you. Good can be found in anything. Find the good things about you and cling to them. You’re an awesome person, who is loved my many, despite your flaws. You have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters. You were the best damned Matron of Honor I could have asked for! Sending Lots of love and good vibes your way. Keep it up, you’re doing awesome!!
January 7th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
I think the difference between you and “normal” people is that you are willing to admit your shortcomings out loud. Everyone has problems, but most people try to hide them and think that nobody notices them. You acknowledge your flaws and choose to work on them instead of pretending like they don’t exsist. I could easily name 50 people who are a lot less “normal” than you but will do nothing to help them become better people. Believe me, there are tons of people out there that struggle with the same types of problems that you do. I would like to be a little less crazy and a whole lot more focused this year too so I am stealing your New Years resolution
)
January 7th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Oops…that was suppose to be a smiley face.