Doormat

I really suck at setting boundaries with people.

When I was working, it was always, “Tamra… I know your plate is full, but I need someone to [insert task that's gonna take 20 people to finish in one day here]…”. This was always followed by a, “But of course! I’d love to add something impossible to my already-obscene-list-of-shit that needs to be done.” Service with a smile. I never knew when to say it was too much.

I’ve gotten better about saying no when someone asks me to do something and I really can’t add one more thing to my day, however I find that emotionally, I still suck ass at drawing a line. Even if something is damaging for me, I let the emotional drainage continue because I don’t know how to tell the other person they’ve crossed the line. Or I say something about it, but they don’t get that I’m teetering on the edge of some mental cliff, and they push the ‘heavy winds’ button that knocks me over the side into that dark abyss.

A doormat. That’s what I’ve always been.

I will hold your hand, give you absolutely everything I can until I have nothing left, and just keep on giving until it kills me. And stupidly, I have a tendency to surround myself with people who know just how to take advantage of this very weakness.

Today, I am mad at myself. Angry with the fact that I can’t seem to draw lines and boundaries where they belong, and furious that I let stupid shit get to me.

I have a long way to go on my checklist of mental health necessities.

Current Mood:Angry emoticon Angry & Sad emoticon Sad

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 at 12:19 pm and is filed under Angry, Confessions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Responses to “Doormat”

  1. James Says:
    January 19th, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Sorry you’re struggling with this Tam, but I’m so proud of all the progress you’ve made this year. You’ve made so many positive changes for yourself and your family, and you’re not going to regress back to the way things were.

    Besides, I’d feel pretty insecure if you weren’t as action-packed with issues as I am. ;-) We’re a match made in heav…well, somewhere, and I’m so glad to be walking this road with you. I love you so much!

  2. Rosanne Says:
    January 19th, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    One breath at a time. And remember to pay attention to the things that ARE working for you and the small incremental steps that mark progress in the direction you want to be heading. Keep being kind and gentle and loving to yourself. And forgiving – to yourself and everyone around you.

  3. Kim Says:
    January 20th, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Half the battle is realizing the problem. I’m struggling with something similar – except I take the other extreme by avoiding relationships based on the fear I won’t be able to draw healthy boundaries. You are doing all the right things – keep it up and I hope soon it will become second nature.