Well, shit.

I haven’t been doing well for awhile, if you haven’t noticed.

I know you probably read my blog because normally I’m Mary Fuckin’ Sunshine and all, so this probably isn’t a huge change from the usual… however, I really have been having a rough time.

The deterioration of my mental health over the last couple weeks is probably directly related to the fact that I tried *once again* to wean back my Prozac dosage a smidgen. We’re talking 5mg, under the guidance of a doctor and adding a buttload of amino acids and Vitamin D to my diet.

This time, there was no horrific crazy crash like I had in December, but I am realizing that my attempts to lessen the medication dose (that I wish wasn’t necessary) are doing nothing but making it difficult for me to convince myself to shower in the morning and depleting my body of all energy. All that’s left is that big ball of shadow I’ve been living under. Adding two little girls, my husband, and all my other responsibilities to the equation equals nothing positive.

Depression.

So, since I’m figuring this out now, I’m going to have to call my doctor to get my dosage upped again. It sucks, but at least I realize that it’s necessary.

I wish, wish, wish so much that my neurons and shit didn’t misfire so badly. It sucks. Depression is just a freaking crappy part of my life. I will always struggle with it. I always have, and I know I always will.

I know I’m a survivor, but today I feel like I lost that never-ending battle.

Current Mood:Sad emoticon Sad

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 4:48 pm and is filed under Insanity, Sad Things. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

5 Responses to “Well, shit.”

  1. Tracy Says:
    January 27th, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    I’m sorry Tamra. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help. Hopefully someday you will be able wean yourself down or off, but for now I think this is your body and mind’s way of saying “not yet sister, not ready!” I hope you’ll be back to your old self quickly. Take care of yourself!

    And even though I’ve never met him, it sounds like James is an awesome hubby who is completely supportive. Lean on him…I’m sure he can handle it! ((HUGS))

  2. Karley Says:
    January 28th, 2010 at 6:58 am

    Tamra, I so feel your pain. I have been on Prozac since early August 2005. Under the direction of my doctor, we have tried to gradually wean things down and it is very frustrating to know that I still need to take it and possibly always will.

    Without it, my world is different. I do the “right” things–exercise, also do reiki and yoga, meditation, etc., but this is a mental illness and I still need to take this medication just as a diabetic needs his or her insulin.

    If you ever want to talk, please email me.

  3. Kimberly Says:
    January 28th, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Stupid neurons.

    Thanks for the pick up today by the way. It is hard but remember that you nor I are alone in this. This will pass. Sending Big Hugs your way…

  4. Klaity Says:
    January 28th, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    To echo earlier sentiments: I’m so sorry you’re discouraged and disappointed. I can relate. I’ve been on a cocktail of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications off and on for about four years. I’ve tried adjusting the dosages and eliminating the medication but always with disastrous results (usually a relapse). After having the year from hell in 2009, I’ve started to accept that things really are better with the meds. I try not to think of the idea that I might have to be on them for the rest of my life. One day at a time. Love.

  5. Rosanne Says:
    January 28th, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Be gentle with yourself. Your particular chemistry functions better with that little blue pill. Mine functions better with the things that I take. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you – rather, it means that you’re smart enough to handle things in a way that works for you.