A Surprisingly Sane Blog

You have a very, very dirty mind.

Shame on you.

Current Mood: Alarmed

I haven’t been doing well for awhile, if you haven’t noticed.

I know you probably read my blog because normally I’m Mary Fuckin’ Sunshine and all, so this probably isn’t a huge change from the usual… however, I really have been having a rough time.

The deterioration of my mental health over the last couple weeks is probably directly related to the fact that I tried *once again* to wean back my Prozac dosage a smidgen. We’re talking 5mg, under the guidance of a doctor and adding a buttload of amino acids and Vitamin D to my diet.

This time, there was no horrific crazy crash like I had in December, but I am realizing that my attempts to lessen the medication dose (that I wish wasn’t necessary) are doing nothing but making it difficult for me to convince myself to shower in the morning and depleting my body of all energy. All that’s left is that big ball of shadow I’ve been living under. Adding two little girls, my husband, and all my other responsibilities to the equation equals nothing positive.

Depression.

So, since I’m figuring this out now, I’m going to have to call my doctor to get my dosage upped again. It sucks, but at least I realize that it’s necessary.

I wish, wish, wish so much that my neurons and shit didn’t misfire so badly. It sucks. Depression is just a freaking crappy part of my life. I will always struggle with it. I always have, and I know I always will.

I know I’m a survivor, but today I feel like I lost that never-ending battle.

Current Mood: Sad

This morning I had a consultation with my midwife/naturopathic doctor to discuss the possibility of having an IUD inserted. Being on “The Pill” isn’t really the healthiest option for someone at a high risk of developing breast cancer. Considering my maternal grandmother died from it at the tragic young age of 36… yeah, you can only imagine why I’m in that “high risk” category.

You know, while I really like a lot of what I hear about the IUD, I am not sure that it’s the right birth control option for me. Upon examination, she found that my (very) retroverted uterus would make insertion either extremely difficult or altogether impossible, so trying to have it put in would be a bit of a shot in the dark in the first place. Considering it’s not a comfortable procedure in the first place, I kind of cringed when I heard her say, “To be honest, I’m pretty concerned that I won’t be able to insert it, but I’m not going to say we can’t try“. Oh, the pain. I can just imagine. She couldn’t even feel the top of my uterus with one hand pressing up against my cervix internally and the other digging down uncomfortably externally. How the hell we’d get my uterus in the correct position to get the damn thing up there is one of those scenarios I’d rather not imagine.

Then there are the other negative possibilities: if in the miraculous event she was indeed able to get the thing in that baby-bearing sack of mine, there’s the chance that it could cause heavier menstrual periods and more severe cramping. I don’t like that. I already deal with painful cramping, and I like the fact that I have a naturally light and short cycle to sort of make up for the uncomfortableness of it. Also, two little nylon removal strings will forever sprout from my cervix if I do indeed have an IUD placed. Considering my cervix is low enough for me to easily feel, I have a feeling I’d find this annoying.

Arg.

I was really hoping I’d walk away from that appointment completely sold on this particular birth control option. While I absolutely love the convenience and of taking The Pill, I don’t like the fact that it puts me at a higher risk for cancer. And condoms… well, they absolutely suck. I hate how much they decrease my own sensitivity in addition to James’, and I find they really seem to irritate my skin and yeast problems down south. Blah blah blah, I know I’m just whining now. Deal with it.

I freaking hate dealing with fertility. It’s a bitch.

Our best option is probably just going ahead and doing the vasectomy, but James and I are both, well, a bit hesitant. Do we want more babies? HELL NO. However, I’m only 28 years old. What if, by some Divine Intervention, I become more mentally stable in the future and desperately want another child? Chances are slim, but we feel uncomfortable snipping the baby batter tubes while we are as young as we are.

Really, using the ovulation method is the best form of birth control for me to use… but the whole “abstinence” thing during fertile times is a no-go if James and I want to heal our already stressed-to-the-max sexual issues. Ugh. Life would be much simpler if I’d become a nun.

I hate this kind of shit.

Current Mood: Confused

…woke up much too early after staying out dancing way too late.

…arrived at my dentist appointment 20 minutes early in attempt to make up for the fact that I was 30 minutes late to my initial exam last week.

…nearly fell asleep getting my teeth and gums tortured.

…tried to get myself killed on the freeway driving home all drugged up on Novocaine.

…couldn’t utter a cohesive sentence or walk a straight line when I got home, thanks to my numb mouth and fuzzy-feeling head.

…barely made it upstairs and passed out within seconds of my head hitting the pillow.

…fell madly in love with my husband all over again for working from home just to take care of me even on a stressful, busy day.

…wore my pajamas all day.

…didn’t bother get my kids dressed, either.

…still haven’t showered, even after (ew) dancing at a blues bar until all hours of the night.

…haven’t been able to stay in an upright position for more time than it takes to take a quick shit.

…decided it was okay to take it easy for a change.

…will not be teaching any dance lessons or go out dancing tonight.

…ordered pizza for dinner.

…am going to have to figure out if I can eat said pizza lying down flat on my ass.

Current Mood: Sickly

Last week I chipped my front tooth on the drive home from California. This morning, I had to get that tooth fixed, a cavity in my wisdom tooth filled, and a teeth cleaning.

And you know what?

It felt so good to get my gums scraped, poked at, and otherwise mutilated that I kinda’ grossed myself out. What on earth is wrong with me? Dental work should not be a pleasurable experience. Oh, but it was. Give it to me, baby, scrub my teeth clean, OH YES! HARDER! MAKE ME BLEED!

Okay, I lied. Not the whole thing felt good. The instruments used to hold open my teeny jaws didn’t feel so good. And the Novocain… well, I almost fell asleep on the Interstate twice, nearly hit a car, and just about ran a red light on the way home. Local anesthesia in my head-region and I are not friends. And the “rubber dam” thing they used to isolate the teeth needing work… now that was a little scary.

But dammit, the gum-and-tooth-torture part felt so good. I’m so sad that I have to wait a whopping six months to do it again. How am I gonna hold out that long?

I wish I could say the extreme feel-goods were a result of a vibrating dentist chair or something… but it wasn’t. I really am just that sick. It’s like popping zits… I just can’t get enough.

And now I have some seriously lovely pearly whites to show off.

Current Mood: Happy