Constant Battle
Last night I decided to go dancing for the first time in, well, awhile. I’ve been out twice in the last few weeks, and it’s been a real struggle for me to get myself to be social.
I came home fighting tears, and I have no real explanation as to why. I mean, I had a lot of really great dances. My friends were happy to see me, and I was grateful to see them again.
But I have a theory.
Seeing people in a social setting and knowing that they don’t fight the constant battle of depression that I deal with every single day saddens me. Not because I wish my mental disorder on anyone else, but because I wish, wish so badly that I could be “normal”.
I have been this way my whole life. As a child, I used to cry myself to sleep because I just didn’t fit in. I wanted so badly to be someone else, and I hated myself. Even then. Gosh, it’s so freaking sad.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We all have our own constant battles, and dammit, I wouldn’t want to take on someone else’s wounds… it just that holy shit, major depression, postpartum depression, and all of the depression that has always haunted me is a real fucking bitch.
Please tell me I’m not alone in the world. What battle(s) do you fight?
Current Mood:
Sad
Tags: Depression
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:48 am
my extreme anxiety makes it almost impossible for me to interact with my friends. i always feel “less than”. im always worried and nervous. it sucks balls.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:12 am
Anxiety, Depression, and the big OC f-ing D (Most days I can’t even convince myself to comment on your blog even though I am still reading it) *hugs*
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:29 am
in a broad sense, anxiety. but for the sake of narrowing it down, i spend a lot of my time trying not to think. i have a crippling fear of death… death of myself, of my loved ones… i am constantly forcing myself to stop contemplating all the awful things that could happen, and to just try and live my life outside of a snail shell. it’s one of the reasons i hate driving so much. to a smaller degree, i also have a near crippling fear of food poisoning. weird, i know. actually i’m afraid of a lot of things. and now i’m going to stop thinking about them.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:54 am
That’s easy: food addiction, weight, anxiety, lack of motivation,PMDD. I could probably think of more, but those are my top 5.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:21 pm
A constant feeling, when among “friends,” that I can’t truly be myself. When I left my high school in the middle of 11th grade (in England) and moved to two different schools after that, I never felt like myself again. I can’t put my finger on it – I don’t feel like I am not being myself, but I also don’t feel like anyone really knows me like my friends from England. We had a mini-reunion a couple years ago and it was like family – even with those that I hadn’t seen in YEARS (15 years)! I felt more comfortable in those moments than I have with anyone other than my husband. I no longer feel that I have close friends. But on the other hand, it makes those friendships I make online more meaningful because online, I feel like people really get a sense for who I am. My MMPI (personality inventory) from years ago suspected I was a tad bit paranoid…maybe I am? But, I try not to be too paranoid about that!!! lol
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Tamra I feel this way every single day so you are not alone. I often wish I was some one else or at least not always so anxious. A lot of times I find myself having less fun because of it..it sucks.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Anxiety, slight depression, food issues and money worries are for me. Oh and guilt…guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. (and no, I’m not Catholic!)
Most currently it has been not wanting to be around kids the same age or younger than my child who are achieving the proper development for their age when mine is unable to. My child will eventually (hopefully) be at the same milestones but we are unable to know when. Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing about friends and their kids and I do want to be around them and am happy to see them but I can’t help the “why me/why us” that seeps in. And then the guilty thoughts pop up to say “don’t feel so sorry for yourself, many people have it worse of than you and your child!!” So I am a constant battle of emotions over something I can’t control.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:35 pm
My battles are over-analyzing situations and events. Wanting to protect people, and people-pleasing. I’ve been stompled a few times in the process. Ah, life. Such a learning experience.
Anyway, I have come to learn that some things just can’t be figured out or fixed. And I’m finally getting okay with that thought.
Life is a journey, and sometimes we just have to (in the words of Sheryl Crow), “soak up the sun and tell everybody to lighten up.”
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:04 pm
You’re not alone. Over here: anxiety, depression, anorexia, and a mild case of OCD.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Oh gosh, everyone, thank you. You know how it feels to feel alone with these issues
, and sometimes I just need to be reminded that a lot of other people are right along side me fighting a similar battle.
I’m sorry you guys are struggling, too. You know where to find me if you need an ear. Thanks for being my support.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:53 pm
Trying to be effibg perfect…you know the type of perfect I’m talking about…perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect daughter,employee, sister, friend etc…at an given moment I’m so bust thinking about how I don’t measure up that I can’t truly enjoy the ways that I am amazing…I battle every day to be good enough and I’m constantly searching for someone to tell me I’m doing a good job just for validation of what I already know…
February 4th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Anxiety and NURSING SCHOOL, which should be a disorder in itself. LOL. I know what you mean about feeling alone or abnormal in some way all the time though; it seems like no one understands what you go through just to get through each day. You are never as alone as you think you are though!
February 4th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Awww hun I am sorry you feel like this and have for so long. It sucks I know how it feels to be depressed and unhappy. I don’t go through it everyday but have. Is funny that you look at others and think they seem so happy and I am not, gosh I’ve thought that about you. We all have issues some are better at covering them up others are not. I wish I had a solution for you, but I don’t I mean not going out is not healthy, you need to be out there once in a while. Maybe justget pissed drunk so you are oblivious and pass out on the way home jejeje it works for me. Feel better pretty lady.
February 4th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I think you’d be surprised by how many people have very similar problems. Certainly not the same ones, but you just never know what people are going through inside. I would have never known that you struggle with depression from the way you carry yourself. We all mask it well. I cried 4 times yesterday for no particular reason. Just feeling down. And my life is GREAT! Anyway, my point is that you’re not alone. Even the people who seem the most put together (like you!) have struggles and self-doubt. So try not to beat yourself about it or feel like you should be coping better than you are. I think you’re doing great
February 4th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
It is so amazing that so much of us with mental illnesses share the same feelings of isolation….feeling so alone…
I have ppd with anxiety, a retarded back injury that is a pain in my ass…litterally, oh and a “massive” cyst on my ovary discovered today. I am beginning to think that my body really hates me. Stupid body :p
February 4th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
I can relate to feeling like I don’t fit in. I always felt different – like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I felt that way around my family growing up and around friends and new people. I feel more at home now, but it still hits me when I’m in unfamilar situations.
February 4th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
I must say, I am so grateful for the internet. I feel like I’ve met a whole bunch of people of finally understand what it’s like to be a bit of an outsider. You all rock!
February 5th, 2010 at 10:25 am
I was technically diagnosed as Bipolar some years ago. Not sure if it is utter bullshit or I have been in remission for awhile. I have had my ups and downs. I do have some compulses I am not able to control, ie, money. Which is a battle with hubby…thankfully our accounts are separate and mine rarely has any money in it. That is the battle..that I can’t save.
I have anxiety in situations where I am alone. I don’t like to eat by myself unless I have something to distract me or not make me look so much like a loser. And I have had some bad depressions in my life, hospital visit worthy…
On the other side I talk too much too fast, am extrememly blunt and will say what ever comes to my mind with barely any restraint. My friends used to love me for my honesty. At least I had that. Always been an outsider because of the above. I also remember hating myself as a teenager, as young as 13 or so, and thinking about the oncoming car in the street and what…just what if it hit me? and killed me?
My family is full of mental cases…