Recovering, Slowly
Last night I went dancing with James, and by the end of the night I realized I was actually enjoying myself for the first time in, oh, a month or so.
When I crashed and burned a few weeks ago, I was honestly pretty scared. I hadn’t felt that out of control since before I started therapy a year ago. I didn’t feel scared until James looked at me last week, gave me a big hug, and said, “Honey, I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you.” That was only about 24 hours after I started back on the higher dose.
When I heard that, I realized that I’d been under that fog again, just a shadow of who I really am. It never ceases to amaze me how my head clears when I am taking the right amount of medication.
This week has been a bit of a recovery week, and I’ve really been trying to add things to my life that will help this process. I’m making sure I’m getting enough protein- something I’m notorious for leaving out of my diet because I’m not a huge fan of meat. I’ve been getting up early and trying to go to bed at a better time, and I’ve been exercising at the gym every day of the week. It’s all helping a lot.
Today, my body feels like it got hit by a car. You know, that after-hard-workout burn that forces you to fall over and gasp when you attempt to walk up the stairs or lift your arms to wash your hair in the shower. The fatigued muscles feel good, and it’s a reminder to myself why I’m choosing to do it.
Depression and mental illness hurts everyone just as much as it hurts me. Fighting it means I haven’t lost that battle no matter how hard it tries to win.
Current Mood:
Cool
Karley said,
February 5, 2010 @ 11:37 am
I am so happy that that fog is lifting once again. It is so scary when you know you’re in that cloud again and amazing how quickly you can feel NORMAL again with a medication adjustment.
((HUGS)) to you.
Mia said,
February 5, 2010 @ 12:31 pm
I’m glad to hear your fog is lifting. I’d like to go talk to someone about mine, but since Kyle was over-medicated as a kid, he has a very negative attitude towards meds. My fog has been lifting pretty much on it’s own, but I’d like a little help so that it doesn’t take as long. I just bought some St. John’s Wort to try to help me.
Holly said,
February 6, 2010 @ 4:13 am
You are lucky to have a husband that is understanding. Mine just makes fun of my bipolar and makes me feel worse.
Misty said,
February 10, 2010 @ 8:46 am
GOOD! Whatever medication adjustments need to be made, make them, so that you can feel like yourself again!
And WOW reading your blog posts makes me feel f*in lazy…I need to feel the burn of exercise, too, since it really does help with depression/anxiety!
Keep up the good work
Nikki said,
February 19, 2010 @ 5:13 pm
I’m so glad you are back to YOU. I hate that feeling
And it is great that he is so understanding, they don’t make ‘em like that anymore lol.
On a side note, I don’t eat a lot of meat either, but found special K cereal “with protein” that has 19g per serving. I just add a banana and some skim milk and I’ve got almost as much as a piece of chicken! Eggs are another good alternative for me, and special K also makes this powder in pink lemonade flavor that you add to your water that has both fiber and protein and is really yummy