I’ve Come To A Conclusion

After a lot of thought and careful consideration, I have decided that someone needs to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

If I were dead, I wouldn’t have to worry about which medications I’m taking and deal with the dosage change effects. The fact that I can’t seem to get past the physical changes my body suffered- and yes, I say suffered because they’re certainly not positive things- from pregnancy and childbirth wouldn’t make a damn difference. I wouldn’t have to struggle with my consistent sudden fear that I’m fat or fight the urge to starve myself while forcing food down my throat. The mistakes James and I have made in our relationship wouldn’t matter. My constant obsessive thoughts that my husband has zero sexual attraction to me would be a thing of the past. My kids wouldn’t have to deal with a crazy mother who will someday stress them out despite my efforts to not lean on other people. Paranoia, OCD, depression, and anxiety would be gone. All the shit in my life, obsolete.

I’ll keep fighting. There’s no sense in popping a bottle full of pills and ruining people’s lives. I’m not that selfish.

But dammit, I’d love it if someone else would be willing to do the honors.

My eyes are closed.

P.S. Prozac and Wellbutrin, you’re welcome to kick in anytime. It’d make this shiteous thing called life a bit more bearable.

Current Mood:Sad emoticon Sad

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This entry was posted on Thursday, February 11th, 2010 at 12:05 pm and is filed under Insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

8 Responses to “I’ve Come To A Conclusion”

  1. Nobody Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    (((hugs)))

  2. Kristen Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    {{{BIG HUGS}}} You certainly will not find a volunteer in me. I hope the meds start to kick in soon in a positive way.

  3. Rosanne Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    All I can say is that I love you and care about you and it won’t always feel this way. Hang in there. See you soon.

  4. Dana Says:
    February 12th, 2010 at 9:36 am

    (((hugs))) How long have you been on Wellbutrin? I was on it and I swear it made me feel SO MUCH WORSE. I had to get off of it. It was a scary scary thing. All I thought about while on it was dying.

    Feel better soon. Love you!

  5. Tamra Says:
    February 12th, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Thanks ladies… I’ve been on it for only 4 days. It may be just the adjustment period, or it may not be the right medication for me. The last few days I’ve been getting a pretty consistent flow of suicidal thoughts… not unlike when I’m not on any medication at all. However, late last night I started to feel perkier, and I woke up in an optimistic mood. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’m stabilizing.

  6. kimberly Says:
    February 13th, 2010 at 4:55 am

    Big Hugs Tamra…I’ve felt that way too. Sometimes I would wish that a plane would land right in my kitchen. You know, just on top of me. It sucks feeling like that.
    Medication changes are super hard and I know you know that it takes time to adjust. You, like me hate that it takes time. You would think that they would have a solution to that problem eh?
    Anyways, I really hope that the meds get off their lazy ass and start working for you. The fact that you woke up in a better mood is a good sign. If you need to talk, I’m here.
    Big Hugs

  7. Samantha Says:
    February 13th, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    hey, I know I’m a couple days late reading this… but if you need someone to talk to then please email me. I don’t have much advice, but I can listen really well if you just need to talk.

  8. Tamra Says:
    February 13th, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    Thanks for your kind words, everyone. Knowing you’re all there listening to my bitching makes me know I’m really not alone. Big hugs to you!