A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I’m eating cookies for breakfast today.

This weekend is the Seattle Easter Swing dance convention, and James and I have been working our butts off on a routine with which we’ll be competing in the Classic division. It’s been an exhausting last few weeks getting our self-choreographed number “show worthy”. Last night I couldn’t sleep because our song (”Hot Mess” by Cobra Starship) decided to park it’s ass in my head and haunt my dreams. I still love the song.

Last Thursday, we performed it for the first time, and after seeing it… we ended up changing several different spots in the piece.

And if you’re familiar with the song, you’ll quickly realize there’s something wrong with it: It’s much too slow. Yeah, the DJ had a small problem with the equipment or something. Oops. We made it work, anyway, even though we had to ad-lib a bit here and there to make up for the extra time on speed-sensitive moves.

We’ve been waking up at a comical hour to rush to the gym and practice before James heads into work, then going over each piece again and again every chance that the kids let us have. Last night a friend came and watched the kids late at night so we could head to the gym again. We got home at midnight, and I am so sore this morning that I would much prefer to crawl back in bed and pretend the sun wasn’t shining.

I can’t wait to post the new and improved version of our routine. For now, be nice. It’s hard to get yourself to perform when you know it’s going to end up on YouTube.

And special thanks to a certain someone (you know who you are) for yelling “SHAKE IT!” before the routine started. That’s why the audience got a second-long show of me doing the titty shake.

Current Mood: Playful

Oh yes, I’M GOING THERE.

One of the best parts about moving to Seattle is the fact that I actually have a group of female friends that I enjoy going out and doing *gasp* girl time with. Amazing, I know. And this weekend’s conversation over dinner after girly-girl shopping, well, you can blame that for today’s fine blog topic.

I need your help, ladies. The more tips we can give our men, the better.

(And we all know from experience…  men need all the help they can get in the sex department.)

1. Ask us what we like if you’re not 100% sure. Women are complicated and very sensitive creatures, and what worked for your ex-girlfriend probably doesn’t get your current partner burning for you the way you want. We are all different, and some of us cannot orgasm from intercourse alone. If your partner isn’t orgasming, ask what you can do to get her there!
2. Vary it up. Sometimes we want it rough, sometimes soft and sexy, sometimes romantic and ultra passionate. Just because it felt good yesterday doesn’t mean we’re getting off on it today. If you approach us exactly the same way every time you want to have sex, it starts feeling a bit too routine, and we can get bored with that. If you’re ever unsure how we want it, SEE NUMBER 1.
3. Tell us what you want. Look, we know that if it involves touching or sucking on you in a sexual way, you’re most likely going to enjoy it… but if you *REALLY* like what we’re doing, either tell us or let us know with a little noise. You don’t have to sounds like a porn star, but some good moans or a “holy shit that feels amazing” help us know we’re pleasing you.
4. Do not try to initiate sex by asking, “Would you like to have sex?”. It’s a major turn-off. I know for a fact that my answer would be, “Um, well, I DID, but that just ruined the moment. Thanks a lot“. Instead, show us with your actions or say something sexy like, “Hot damn, woman, I have to have you in six different positions RIGHT NOW“.
5. Make us feel beautiful. Sadly, even though you think we’re beautiful and our bodies are amazing, most of us are pretty unconfident and self-conscious about ourselves. If we’ve had a baby or five, chances are we feel embarrassed about our stretch marks, saggy breasts, fat bumps and lumps all over, and broken vaginas. We’ve been through a lot, and the media is cruel. We are used to comparing ourselves to the beautiful, airbrushed skinny models on TV and in magazines. Please, show us and tell us how gorgeous we are to you. And NO, just because you told us last time doesn’t mean we know for a fact you believe it this time.
6. Make pleasing your partner your #1 priority. A selfish lover just sucks. Sure, a quickie here and there is fine and all, but if we have more than just a couple minutes, take your time and make damn sure you’re making us moan and sweat and orgasm before you do. Most of us need more than just intercourse to get off. Find out what works for us, pleasure us like crazy, and trust me, the whole experience will be MUCH better for you, too!
7. Don’t act like a baby or get pissy when you want to get laid. We want to fuck a man, not some little bitchy boy. Yes, that sounds harsh, but ask any woman, and she’ll tell you how irritating and what a turn-off it is to have sex with you when you’re in that kind of mood. If you want to have sex, be mature. Otherwise, jerk off and return when you can act your age.
8. Foreplay is a necessity. We need to be warmed up- being turned on is not as simple as a 5-second boner for us. Kiss us, touch us everywhere (not just our hot spots), suck our nipples gently then harder, go down on us. We’re all different and don’t be afraid to figure out what we like. If you hear gasping and feel our back arch, you’re doing something really right.
9. Don’t give us any reason to feel self-conscious. If you don’t like the way we smell, taste, feel, moan, etc., then you have no business having sex with us. We are not going to smell like roses or taste like chocolate unless you’re using body toppings. We suck your dick and lick the salty sweat from your neck without complaining, so do the same for us. Remember: we are a goddess, and its your job in bed to make us know that.
10. We don’t expect perfection from you. An experienced, amazing lover is something that comes with time. Practice equals… much better. It’s okay if you fuck like a virgin and come after two thrusts at first, it’s actually flattering that you’re that excited around us. What we care about is that you are willing and happy to take the time to become our ideal lover, and that if an “oh shit I just came way too fast…” happens, you are willing to give it another try or take a different route to pleasing us afterward. And by the way, we love when you act confident (that doesn’t translate as “cocky”) in bed. It’s a turn-on.

Hope that gives some of my male readers a peek into a woman’s head and helps you become a better partner in bed.

Ladies… join in! What tips do you have for men?

Current Mood: Cool

As far as mental stability is concerned, I’ve been doing really well lately. Stable. I missed this feeling.

I found a local nurse practitioner who specializes in psychiatric drugs to manage my medication. She came highly recommended, and is supposed to be better than pretty much every doctor and other nurse practitioner around. Translation: hopefully I won’t have to go through another horrific adverse affect to a medication because this lady really knows her shit. I generally trust nurses way more than I do doctors, so I am very relieved to have found her.

James and I have also been seeing a therapist every week, and that’s been really good for both of us. So far, I’ve learned that I am very angry and bitter about a lot of different things, even though I rarely show it. Great, I know. Just what the world needs: another ANGRY crazy person. Luckily, I am doing a better job of actually communicating these thoughts in a positive way rather than bottling them up and fearing I’m a horrible person for feeling that way.

While my mental state has been doing pretty well, though, I have been struggling physically.

I have recently been experiencing extreme fatigue, rapid heart rate, muscle cramps, looking even more pale than usual, and several other symptoms. I couldn’t figure out what was going on… then last night James hit the nail on the head while my fingers and toes were freezing, a classic sign of poor blood circulation: Are you getting enough iron?

I’m anemic, and in the midst of the crazy whirlwind of mental instability that I was dealing with over the last couple months, I flat out forgot to take the vitamins necessary to keep my iron levels at a healthy spot. Arg. How could I forget something so simple? Especially a habit I developed a million years ago? I cannot tell you how stupid I feel.

As of last night, I am back on the vitamins. I think I must have been angry with myself for forgetting something so important because I woke up with one hell of a headache… gotta love grinding my teeth.

Here’s to hoping the added iron takes care of this extreme exhaustion and all the other physical problems I’ve been dealing with lately.

Current Mood: Happy

The day my pinky toenail grows without a hangnail attached will be a bloody miracle. Ow.

Current Mood: Alarmed

Stupid, naive white girls shouldn’t walk alone in downtown Seattle’s International District at night. It’s NOT SAFE. Almost getting mugged last night was NOT the highlight of my evening.

I seem to think that I’m a big, tough-looking thing, and I sort of have it in my mind that people wouldn’t want to fuck with me on the street. Um, not so. I really need to get it in my head that I’m actually a small, pale, white girl who makes a DAMN good target for creepy guys hanging out in alleys downtown.

Thank goodness a couple ran by and distracted the guy who was stalking me, giving me time to take off running down the street, pull out my phone, and call my friend to meet me.

Next time, I’ll be smarter.

Current Mood: Alarmed