Yesterday I got a email from one of those annoying websites that send you an update EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, and I almost threw something at it until I remembered not to punish Ralph, my loving messenger.
I haven’t unsubscribed from those emails because every so often, it pops up some very valuable information.
Yesterday, though, I curiously clicked on an article regarding “everything you need to know about post-baby body”, and I felt severely pissed off when I read it.
It was all just the same crap that EVERY article brushes over.
You’re going to be an exhausted, emotional mess. Your vagina is going to hurt while you heal. Losing the baby weight. Taking sex slow and using lots of lube after your doc gives you the go-ahead. Breastfeeding.
Every single one of these articles talks about the same exact things, but none of them address what really happens. They all act like healing from childbirth is like healing from a sprained ankle. Get some rest, ice it, eventually you’ll recover. Your ankle may be permanently weakened, but it’ll be pretty much the same.
To which I have to bitterly laugh and say, “Are you fucking KIDDING ME?”.
Are they written by men underneath a female name or something?
You know what REALLY HAPPENS when you give birth? You are NEVER the same. Ever. Normalcy- your body, mind, spirit, everything- is changed FOREVER. For some, this is an amazing, wonderful change. For others, it’s a horrible roller coaster ride through hell and back. I had the second experience, and I can only hope that it wasn’t because I managed to piss God off at some point. I mean, God’s a pretty patient, forgiving being from what I understand. I’d hate to think I managed to get on His/Her bad side somehow.
If I were to write one of those articles, it’d probably be too brutally honest for publication.
I would imagine it’d go something like this:
The Postpartum Nightmare
By, Tamra The Truthful
Congratulations! Holding that crying, screaming bundle of joy is just around the corner for you!
Like all new moms-to-be, you’re probably a hormonal mess of emotions, fears, and wonders. Many new moms want to know what they can expect following the birth of a baby, how their body will change, and how having a child will affect their relationship with their partner.
Never fear, here are some candid answers to your most burning questions.
1. How will a vaginal birth affect my body?
Honey, once a several-pound human being forces its way into the world through your vagina, there is no way it can EVER go back to being “normal” as you know it. Get it out of your mind that it’ll ever be the “same”. It’s anatomically impossible, unless your hoo-haw stretches that wide BEFORE giving birth. If you tear or have an episiotomy, the stitches will probably hurt like hell and very possibly cause all kinds of lovely problems for you. You may develop scar tissue, and your stitch site could be poorly sewn up. This makes sex PAINFUL, and lube is only going to help so much.
2. How long will it take for my vagina to heal after birth?
All the books and articles say it takes about 6 weeks. They are all lying. While your uterus will probably shrink down to it’s new “normal” size in that amount of time, your vagina will NOT be “back to normal” by then. Why? because it’ll never be BACK TO NORMAL. Furthermore, it can take much, much longer before all the swelled tissue and bruising up in your va-jay-jay is gone. For me, it took a whopping 9 months after first birth. Yes, you saw that right. NINE FUCKING MONTHS.
3. I’ve been doing lots of Kegels, and I heard that’ll help my vaginal return to normal after the birth.
Keep up with the Kegels. It makes you feel like you’re doing something. In fact, you are. They do help regain the vaginal tone lost during childbirth. However, repeat after me: NOTHING I DO WILL EVER MAKE MY VAGINA GO BACK TO NORMAL. If you’re lucky, you will not experience prolapse or a yucky, loose, sloppy-feeling vagina. But you know what? It’s entirely possible you will. Short of surgery, there’s nothing you can do to permanently fix it.
4. Will my partner be bothered by how my vagina feels after birth?
He’ll probably say no, but you’ll probably never really know for sure. Most guys are too loving to admit the truth if it’s not a nice one. My guess is yes, it’s not as good physically, since some religions preach going to heaven includes bangin’ the bejezus out of a ton of virgins, which is supposed to be a “good” thing. And for some reason, that tight virgin feeling seems so sought after. Of course, then again, maybe a looser V actually makes for better sex, but since I don’t have a dick or a second vagina to compare mine to, I really have no clue.
5. How will sex be for me after giving birth?
If your partner is well-endowed, the looser vag will probably be a good thing for you. The extra stretch makes a big dick less painful, and the increased blood flow to the area following birth can make for much stronger orgasms. However, there’s the flip side as well. Some women are so uncomfortable with their postpartum body that they can no longer enjoy sex. Stitches and scar tissue and prolapse may make sex painful and embarrassing. And your baby-daddy just may be a big enough shithead to make it clear that he doesn’t find you nearly as attractive, which can just be a huge turn-off to you altogether.
6. I have stretchmarks. How can I make them disappear?
You can’t. They’ll fade, but they will never go away. What’s even worse, though, is the loose skin that the stretchmarks can create. A lot of women end up with a stretched-out belly button and skin that never lays tight against their belly or butt or any part of their body EVER AGAIN. Say goodbye to your bikini unless you don’t mind ending up the butt of the cruel entertainment media’s jokes.
7. I’m worried about breastfeeding. All my friends say it was really difficult.
It can be really difficult. And that let-down you read about? That warm, tingly sensation? Um, that may be accurate for some, but for others it’s more like a stabbing blade that starts from your armpits and eventually explodes out your nipple. It was a shock that it was milk and not actual blood that came out for me.
8. Will I ever get back to my pre-pregnancy size?
Oh yeah, it’s entirely possible. Easy for some, hard for others. However, your body will NEVER be the same after pregnancy. You might fit in your old pair of jeans, but you’ll never look exactly like you did before giving birth underneath those clothes.
……….
Any other questions you want answered?
I rest my case.
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