A Piece Of Passive-Aggressive Manipulation, Defined.

Passive-Aggressive- Function: adj
: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized byexpression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in anunassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, andunwillingness to communicate) passive-aggressive personality>
Manipulation- Function: vb
: to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skillfully, or deviously
—————-
I downright hate when I see passive aggressive manipulation and behavior. People who play silence games to avoid conflict make me sick. Individuals who exude pretend innocent behavior to try to sway other people to “side” with them are disgusting. Family and friends who hurt themselves to force you to do what they want or behave a certain way are flat-out sick and wrong. Boyfriends who whine and cry and throw a fit to guilt you into doing something they want you to do for their own benefit should be shot. Creeps who go around talking as much shit (usually false or exaggerated) about you to everyone who will listen while keeping a sweet “I’m such a good person” smile on their face in order to make themselves look like the all-hailing king/queen eventually kick themselves in the ass.
I am prone to attracting passive aggressive, manipulative people. Too many of those sorts start out as being such nice people. They’ll do you favors, help you up when you fall, and be an ear (maybe a little too interested) when you need it. At first, they seem like the greatest friends you can make, but then, little things start popping up. They get “hurt” easily, fake it so you’ll pat them on the back and apologize. They’ll get pouty if something happens that they don’t like so that you’ll feel bad and agree that maybe you shouldn’t have dealt with something a particular way or agreed with someone who said something that didn’t paint them in the best light. Eventually, you realize that you’re spending most of your time with this person trying to please them.
It’s a sick process because said person is unwilling and frequently incapable of recognizing that they’re being passive-aggressive and manipulative. It’s not completely their fault. Usually, they’re ill. They’ve learned to deal with the world that way due to something that happened frequently in childhood- bullying, not getting the attention from their parents that they needed, etc. However, unlike something like Bipolar Disorder, it’s not a chemical imbalance that (usually) needs drugs to keep the neurons firing correctly. However, COUNSELING is a whole other story. Until they can understand and accept the fact that they are passive aggressive and manipulative, see how they are damaging others and themselves with their toxic behavior, and decide that they don’t want to use that sort of communication anymore, they will never get past their nasty habits, and they probably will never find a way to be truly happy. They might think that manipulating people makes them happy, but it doesn’t… and that’s why they frequently seem so unhappy with others and perhaps their own lives.
The passive-aggressive manipulative sort have spent a lot of time hurting my attempts at a healthy life due to the fact that I’m a sucker and pretty easy to manipulate. I have too big of a heart, believe it or not. However, through therapy I’ve learned to spot them, detach myself from them (and seriously, a clean break is the only way to do it), and take control of my own life once I’ve pulled control of my emotions away from them.
And to be perfectly honest, a mean little part of of me has been enjoying watching them struggle once I’ve escaped from their polluted clutches. Karma can be a bitch.
Come on, you didn’t think I was that nice, did you?

Passive-Aggressive- Function: adj

: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized byexpression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in anunassertive way (as through procrastination, stubborn-ness, and unwillingness to communicate) passive-aggressive personality>

Manipulation- Function: vb

: to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skillfully, or deviously

—————-

I downright hate when I see passive aggressive manipulation and behavior. People who play silence games to avoid conflict make me sick. Individuals who exude pretend innocent behavior to try to sway other people to “side” with them are disgusting. Family and friends who hurt themselves to force you to do what they want or behave a certain way are flat-out sick and wrong. Boyfriends who whine and cry and throw a fit to guilt you into doing something they want you to do for their own benefit should be shot. Creeps who go around talking as much shit (usually false or exaggerated) about you to everyone who will listen while keeping a sweet “I’m such a good person” smile on their face in order to make themselves look like the all-hailing king/queen eventually kick themselves in the ass.

I am prone to attracting passive aggressive, manipulative people. Too many of those sorts start out as being such nice people, and I’m a sucker for nice people. They’ll do you favors, help you up when you fall, buy you a drink when you forget your wallet, and be an ear (maybe a little too interested) when you need it. At first, they seem like the greatest friends you can make, but then, little things start popping up. They get “hurt” easily, fake it so you’ll pat them on the back and apologize. They’ll get pouty if something happens that they don’t like so that you’ll feel bad and agree that maybe you shouldn’t have dealt with something a particular way or agreed with someone who said something that didn’t paint them in the best light. Eventually, you realize that you’re spending most of your time with this person trying to please them. They’re the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

It’s a sick process because said person is unwilling and frequently incapable of recognizing that they’re being passive-aggressive and manipulative. It’s not completely their fault. Usually, they’re emotionally ill. They’ve learned to deal with the world that way due to something that happened frequently in childhood- bullying, not getting the attention from their parents that they needed, etc. However, unlike something like Bipolar Disorder, it’s not a chemical imbalance that (usually) needs drugs to keep the neurons firing correctly. However, COUNSELING is a whole other story. Until they can understand and accept the fact that they are passive aggressive and manipulative, see how they are damaging others and themselves with their toxic behavior, and decide that they don’t want to use that sort of communication anymore, they will never get past their nasty habits, and they probably will never find a way to be truly happy. They might think that manipulating people makes them happy, but it doesn’t… and that’s why they frequently seem so unhappy with others and perhaps their own lives. Sadly, I’ve seen one of these sorts actually manipulate counselors before to the point they’re told they don’t need counseling, and this was one of the worst cases. And getting them into therapy in the first place is hard as hell. Most don’t want to admit they have a problem. Just like an addiction.

The passive-aggressive manipulative sort have spent a lot of time hurting my attempts at a healthy life due to the fact that I’m a sucker and pretty easy to manipulate. I have too big of a heart most of the time, believe it or not. However, through therapy I’ve learned to spot them, detach myself from them (and seriously, a clean break is the only way to do it), and take control of my own life once I’ve pulled control of my emotions away from them.

And as a side note, to be perfectly honest, a mean little part of of me has been enjoying watching the ones I’ve cut off this year struggle once I’ve escaped from their polluted clutches. Karma can be a bitch, but I really like her a lot sometimes.

Come on, you didn’t think I was that nice, did you?

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4 Responses to “A Piece Of Passive-Aggressive Manipulation, Defined.”

  1. Mia Says:

    I used to attract these people too. Shit, I was in a relationship with one for two years (he was even more sick though, he would try to just use anger, then shift to the passive aggressive approach if that didn’t work…I’m glad I grew outta that one). I think it was the fact that, like you, I can be easy to talk to. The problem is, somewhere along the way, my sympathy button broke off. Now I’m much more likely to point out the thing that they did wrong and why it affected them in the way that it did. I don’t have anything for the people that continue self-destructive behavior over and over again, and then try to come crying to me so that I can validate it. Fuck that. Doing what you need to do to live and have a good life is not hard. Trying to drag people into your sick games is just wrong. I’m glad you can see these people coming now. Life is so much more fun without them. It is fun watching them writhe though, isn’t it?!

  2. EmilyH Says:

    Here’s a question for everyone: What do you do if you CAN’T cut one of those people out of your life? I have an in-law who is the most passive-aggressive person I’ve ever come across. So much so, that it would be near impossible to confront her about it b/c she rarely says anything that is downright rude, but you KNOW what her intention is when she says it. And if I were to point it out to her, she would refuse to see it and accuse me of taking her the wrong way.

    Anyway, lately she has been “punishing” me for not attending her baby shower and won’t talk to me. And I recently told her I was too busy to help her with a house project (which is another thing–this summer she pretended we were friends so I would help her decorate her house; I got tired of it so I decided I wouldn’t help her anymore), so she told me my MIL “volunteered” to watch my nephew while she is in the hospital, having baby #2. Although, I knew before even asking, that my MIL didn’t volunteer; SIL asked her watch her son b/c she was mad at me.

    Anyway, lots of details that are probably confusing. Main point: How do you deal with people like this? I normally cut them out of my life, but that’s not an option this time and it’s killing me!

  3. Mia Says:

    I have to say personally, I would still probably have as little to do with her as possible. Luckily, if he sees that I am in the right, my husband tends to side with me on situations like this (he actually cut his own mother out of his life for a period of time). He also knows that not seeing someone is probably better than what I’d say to them if it came down to an argument.

    Family is hard though. No matter what you choose to do, someone always seems to get hurt in the process, or ties are severed that were never intended to be severed. Have you talked about it with your husband? Did he grow up giving in to her, or standing up to her? Depending on the answer to that, he may have some good insight into the situation. After the situation with Kyle’s mom, I have set some very clear boundaries. I found that it was easier to set them from the start than to let them get out of hand then try to fix them. That was almost 3 years ago, and things seem to be going well. The 4 hour drive may help things :P

  4. Anon Says:

    Toxic people suck balls. And so do 2-faced people who tell you something different to your face but talk about you behind your backs. Or worse, 2-faced shits that indulge others who talk crap behind your back and won’t defend what they know to be The Truth. You know, these types can often be found in silent agreement and give the Toxic Manipulator (TM) the benefit of the doubt even when they KNOW this TM is a lying sack of ca-ca.

    This is a very sensitive subject for me (really?), because a toxic person and dysfunctional behavior have caused all sorts of trouble in my family of origin. I’ve moved on!! And I’ve cut a lot of people OUT that are not good for my self-being or my family. But it hurts at times, because some of these folks share the same DNA.

    BUT, seriously, once you’ve been wounded by these emotional vampires, you can SPOT ‘em a mile away. That’s a blessing, and I’ve been trying to count mine lately instead of being bitter about it.

    Great post. As always, you have a great way of slicing thru the BS and telling it like it is.