A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I don’t ever forget that actual humans live behind their blog posts and facebook persona, but it’s easy to start thinking that the 15% of their life posted on the internet is the majority of what’s happening behind closed doors. I think it is certainly easy for some too look at the screen and feel like the person behind it is nothing more than the two-dimentional character displayed on some website. Other times we meet someone that could very well be a long-lost twin. We create a picture in our mind of the person posting a status or 50, and that’s who we imagine them to be.

It’s kind of the tragic truth to the www in some ways. Sometimes it gives us a horribly wrong perspective. But in another light, I’ve met people through the internet more than once and was, for the most part, pleasantly surprised by just how much like their internet personalities they actually were.

This leads me to wonder about how people view me based off of my writing. I’ve had (a very small number of) folks tell me I was an insane bitch who should never post on the internet again (yup, I censor those comments… I almost never do, but there certainly some psychos out there, and while I don’t mind differing opinions and constructive criticism, assholes get the immediate write-off). I’ve had people conspire to call CPS when I was struggling with postpartum depression and blogged about all the intimate details of my frustration, when in fact the real-life version of myself was already seeking help, my kids had been deemed safe, and the situation behind my keyboard certainly wasn’t a fraction of what it really seemed. When you put your life out there for the world to see, everyone makes judgements and there’s always backlash. Oh well, you deal with it.

I’d ask what YOU think what sort of a person I am, but out of the insane number of page views that I’ve been getting since making the Top 25 Mental Wellness Blogs by Moms plus the years of picking up readers, only like .0000001% of you guys actually leave me comments. (hint-hint… you don’t have to be shy… I’ve gotten well over a hundred comments on posts before, so I know you’re out there, and I comments on other people’s blogs every single day, but I read like 50, so I don’t get a comment on yours daily).

But here’s the thing. Besides the private internal crap that ends up on my blog and Facebook statuses, what the hell do people really know about me? I’d hate to think that my readers just have this image in their head of this unstable bipolar freak yo-yoing between reality and psychosis. Or that I sit in front of a computer all day while my kids break shit and smear poop on the outside walls. It’s so not like that.

So here’s a bit of a play-by-play if you’re interested. A short one.

I’m home during the days with my kids and do pretty much what other stay-at-hom moms do: take care of the kids, play with them, do art projects, turn on music and dance, make them breakfast and lunch along with several snacks plus manage the necessary food and kid clean-up. While they’re at the table eating, I spend a few minutes surfing the web on my laptop and usually get small increments of a blog post written at a time. I usually throw on an episode of Dora at some point for the girls so I can jump in the shower and get dressed, but usually not until closer to lunch time. Or I throw on a show so I can finish a blog. Like right now? It’s just after noon, I’m listening to the awesome jazzy tune of Pink Panther as I write this, and I’m wearing a pair of hideous bright green and turquoise checked pajama pants along with a t-shirt with that Paul Frank monkey on it. Oh yeah, I am the epitome of mature right now.

In the afternoons, I generally run some errands with my monsters in tow, make more snacks, clean, do laundry, lay April down for a nap, and get dinner preparation started- or dinner made completely. While April naps, I usually do a bit of reading and writing practice with Julie, or I pull out the watercolors and let her paint and cut up paper to create whatever she wants… then I have her help me clean up the massive mess that ends up all over the family room. James takes public transportation to work (remember, he’s the computer guy), and I pick him up from the nearby lightrail station in the evening. We usually finish making dinner together, eat, then frequently I run out to go to work.

Yes, on top of my full-time job, I work. I do two things, both related: I am a dance teacher and I am a West Coast Swing DJ. Additionally, I do my part to get out and social dance as often as I can (but not often enough) to help continue to raise my level of dance and prepare for competition. I teach out of an awesome studio in downtown Seattle, and not only do I teach select evenings, but I also teach private lessons on Sunday afternoon. Friday nights are big nights for me because James rushes home from work, we leave the kids with a babysitter at 6:00, and we spend the evening teaching workshops and overseeing a dance practica afterward. And starting in August, we’re turning that practica into a full-blown west coast swing dance during which I will usually DJ. Because, you know, we weren’t busy enough.

Additionally, we do dance/DJ gigs for other events regularly around town, and we’ve even been fortunate enough to be invited to Vancouver, Canada to teach and DJ a few times.

Outside of dance, I love to read on my Kindle, work on writing my latest book (the others I’ve always conveniently forgotten to continue writing), plan “girl dates” at coffee shops and stuff with some of the local dancers, and spend time with another good friend of mine (also from the dance world). I always have some crafty thing I’m working on- making costumes, a little scrapbook project, or a house thing that requires paint or artistically hanging crap on my walls. I love decorating. And I also love playing with make and fashion. I am a true girly-girl, even though I’m wearing stupid monkey PJs and usually only wear makeup when I’m teaching or dancing.

As a family, we really try to get outside as much as possible. We love going downtown with the kids, parks and playgrounds, and seeing nearby outdoorsy places with hiking and forests and other tree-hugging dreamland sights and activities. We haven’t done it since I was 5 months pregnant with April… but James and I have a history of rock climbing, and I really miss it.

I have several doctor appointments that I do every month: Therapist, Psychiatrist, Dermatologist, and getting my monthly and sometimes bimonthly blood tests. The last two months I’ve been at the Ophthalmologist’s office every other week while we try to get rid of this uncomfortable scleritis in my left eye. All part of staying mentally healthy, which is necessary with my crazy busy life.

The late evenings after the girls are in bed or when I get home from work are when I spend time with James. We’re good about getting that time in to relax and talk and drink some tea, sometimes watch a show together, before bed.

I like my life to be busy, and I’d like to state on the record that most days I do just great mentally. I have nights where I’m so exhausted I can’t function and bipolar triggers start to go off. But most of the time, I am fine. When I’m not busy or I have too much time on my hands, I start to struggle with depression or mania. Staying busy helps keep me stable.

Phew. There. A small look behind the blog. Hopefully those of you who think I’m a psycho bitch can see me as a little more human now? Okay, just kidding. I know most think none such thing, even though sometimes I fear you all might.

Current Mood: Cool

I would make a really craptacular Muslim or Mormon or person of any other belief system that requires or recommends that their women wear extremely modest clothing and/or cover up completely.

Actually, I should rephrase that… up until now, I would have been fine in one of those religions or cultures because my skin has been so hideous for the past two decades that I have never had the opportunity to wear non-nun clothing without feeling self-conscious and embarrassed that my back, chest, and shoulder acne would completely gross out any on-looker.

And the reason I’d make a really awful covered-up person? Because I’m finally at the point where I could go on a halter-top, spaghetti-strap, backless, frontless, shit-I-should-just-skip-the-top shopping spree, and Holy Crap, I’ve never been so excited to be able to shop before!

World, thanks to Accutane, my skin looks and feels FREAKING AMAZING! I still have a little under two months to go, but the difference is incredible. For probably the first time ever, I can actually leave my house without some form of concealer on my face, and I’m getting brave enough to consider wearing tops that show off a little skin on my back for social dance settings (and not just as part of a costume, where I’m far enough from the audience for them to see just how imperfect my pale skin has always been).

Seriously, LOOK AT THE SKIN ON MY FACE IN THIS PICTURE (since, you know, the lovely Haleakala Volcano isn’t interesting at all)… sure, I’m wearing sunglasses and the rest of me is covered, but I’m not wearing any makeup AT ALL, and my skin is actually smooth and clear in bright sunshine. I could cry.

I am still mystified by what a big effing deal Accutane supposedly is. Like every drug, it has its side effects, but mine have been so minor that it has certainly been worth every 30mg pill I’ve downed with a bottle of rum alongside my nightly bowl of lithium thus far.

I can’t wait to post the before and after shots… but alas, you have to wait. Volcanic eruptions take time to clear up, and my skin needs a little more time before I’m willing to bare it all.

Current Mood: Cool

Two of the many places we visited on Maui were La Perouse and the Iao Valley. Honestly, I don’t know if there’s anything more striking and breathtaking than black lava rock jutting out of turquoise ocean waters.

Or anything dorkier than a mom, dad, two adult daughters, and a son-in-law adorning their feet in a pair of Keens to hike on volcanic rock. At the same time. Can you guess which dorky foot belongs to me? Hint: I’m the pale one.

And I must say, the trip wouldn’t have been half as fun without my sister. We’re really close, as I’ve mentioned before. And by the way, we really are THAT PASTY, and we slather on SPF 50+ every couple of hours to stay that way. Not because we prefer the Victorian look, but because Kathryn is actually a Melanoma survivor, and we know first hand just how dangerous the sun can be. Unfortunately, we weren’t blessed with gorgeous dark golden skin, so we’re just gonna have to embrace the porcelain look. Luckily, this picture adds about five shades of color to our whiteness.

Julie fell and scraped up her knee pretty badly while we were there. Naturally, I forgot my little first aid kit sitting on the hotel counter. We dubbed it her “Maui Owie”, and she got the royal treatment from her daddy on our La Perouse hike. It’s been a week, and she still wants a bandaid on it.

And April surprised me by actually loving the ocean this year. Last year at Kathryn and Scotty’s wedding in Oahu, we couldn’t even get her near the water- she was terrified. This year, she couldn’t get enough of it. Usually, she’s a little daredevil, so I think it’s a matter of time before she wants her own surfboard, and maybe just a couple years before she begs to try parasailing. And seriously, I love her little muscular legs. She has the calves of a ballerina, and she can feel the beat unlike any toddler I’ve ever seen. Guess it’s time to start calling dance studios, huh.

I don’t know if you know anything about the Iao Valley, but this is the Iao Needle. James and I learned on our Maui honeymoon after taking a bunch of photos posing in front of it that it’s actually supposed to be a symbol of the ocean god’s phallus. Yes, the sizely dick of the ocean god. Kath and I made sure to pay it some homage.

Hopefully my brother doesn’t find this and hate me for posting it, but I really couldn’t help it. I’m the proud big sister of two amazing siblings. My “little” brother is five years younger than me, and Kathryn is two years younger. Aren’t we such a cute trio?

But, we’re definitely NOT as cute as these two:

Even if their mom is nothing but a dorky tree-hugger. And if I’d known I was gonna be doing an arabesque for the camera and later post it on the internet, I would have popped out an impressive one for you. Oh well, this one will have to do. I have no shame.

But Julie and James will certainly pull out some gorgeous smiles for you.

And there’s the answer to the color of my Keens, in case you really couldn’t figure it out. Turquoise is my favorite color. Doesn’t that somehow seem appropriate?

Current Mood: Cool

I enjoy watching train wreck relationships.

It’s awful, I know, but it’s the real-life version of what you see in the movies, and there’s always so much more drama in the real-life play-by-play.

*devilish grin*

Current Mood: Mischievous

Coming home from an incredible vacation is always a bizarre mix of extreme relief to sleep in my own bed and the truest sadness that the experiences are touchable and relivable only through memory and the thousand pictures I uploaded onto my laptop. I have the urge to print double copies and buy a second external hard drive in hopes to avoid the possibility of someday losing the colorful pictures of Maui and smiling faces that followed me home.

While there, the sky was limitless, the possibilities and promises wide open. Even jumping into a canyon on a zipline, something I am far too chicken to ever try, was possible:

But for some reason, it was possible outside of the modest bipolar and truly insane life I live in the box in Seattle that could be known as The Life of a Wife (with kids and dance).

Maybe my calling was to move to a remote island and hike into volcanos.

I might just be nutty enough to make that possible.

But seriously, while I was there, I found inspiration to write the books I’ve always started and never finished, new plot lines to explore, the interest to pick up the books again and get myself enrolled back in school, and we were even invited to go back to Maui to teach dance workshops whenever we want (yes, you saw that last part correctly… I know, I had to clean out my ears when I heard that, too).

Between eating the best food on the planet at Mama’s Fish House and spending time with the coolest group of people in my life, aka my family, I wasn’t quite thrilled to leave and come back to my lonely, uninspiring life. Though with an awesome mattress.

Though I do have to say… at least I have this great guy in my life  with whom I get to share the cold weather and our big old house.

Current Mood: Cool