A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I find myself increasing annoyed by people who run away from truths or situations. You know, the sort that stick their pathetic heads into the ground, avoid reality all together, shroud themselves with distraction, or run in the other direction with their shoulders hunched and penis caught between their legs.

I’m admittedly not the most patient person, so when I see folks pretending life is peachy, or give the over-exuberant “Hi! How are you!…,” I have to stifle the child inside who screams, “Just knock it off, fake ass! We all know you’re miserable, and I want to kick you because I KNOW you’d be okay if you could just face reality!“.

Avoidance: one of life’s tragedies. It’s even more horrific when one lets it go on for too long. Someday, it always catches up, even if it’s in the form of getting caught on the train tracks at the wrong moment. And the longer you have refused to acknowledge the situation you’re running away from, the more painful reality becomes to face. Unless you have dealt with those painful memories internally, let yourself experience the grieving process, learned from it, and taken that brave step forward to admit that it’s painful, you are going to be stuck in that treacherous moment, that instant, that breakup, that bad decision for as long as you hold onto it. Think of it as facing your fears- that thing you’re hiding from? It’s just that vicious ghost in the closet. Unless you let it out, it’s just gonna haunt you every time you have to dig into that thing bearing precious strands of your life that you need to get to.

In some ways, it almost seems as though avoidance and running away from reality are truly just a means of holding on to something you can’t bear to let go of in your past or present. There comes a point, though, when you just have to accept that it happened, feel the pain, grow a set of testicles, and move forward.

For too many people in my life, like it or not, that time is certainly now.

Current Mood: Alarmed

I don’t get the whole “nerd glasses” fad.

Seriously? How are they cool? Why do people wear them?!

Here in Seattle, guys and dolls alike are wearing these fugly things. Bigger than the ones on Gideon from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World up above. And really, I don’t care what people wear or how they want to style themselves, but what I don’t get… is how on earth are these possibly attractive on ANYONE, and why are more than two sad souls wearing them?

Or is the point to make oneself look ugly in the name of non-fashion?

Sheesh. My eyeballs are offended.

Current Mood: Alarmed

So after days of being unable to wake up and feeling so groggy I could barely hold a conversation without slurring or forgetting what we were supposed to be discussing, I had a manic night of next to no sleep and feel just fine this morning. Albeit extremely jittery, and that was before the daily dose of caffeine. This for me is not generally a good sign, as it usually points toward me having an big-time manic spell. Luckily, I am on a hefty dose of Lithium, and hopefully that means that I’ll surpass the crazy mania. It should mean that, but I’m feeling nervous about it.

Experimenting with legally prescribed drugs, even used as directed = bad.

I would really like to stop shaking now.

Furthermore, I have made the decision that I don’t want to try any other anti-depressants to help stabilize my mood. As long as the mania is under control (*sniffle* because mania just feels soooo good, but I know it’s the most unhealthy state for my family and probably myself… but I’m in denial that it’s a bad thing because it’s the only time I ever feel downright great), life can continue as healthy enough. Depression sucks in ways that I can’t even describe, but shit, as long as I’m not suicidal, I am DONE trying to fix it. I’m used to miserable, unhappy and unmotivated. It’s bliss in comparison to how I’ve felt this last week on the wrong drug.

Yes, I sound depressed. But currently, I’m too manic to actually feel that way, and I’m actually in a good mood. Gotta love the post-wrong-medication re-adjustment period.

Be grateful if you’re not bipolar. It sucks worse than you can imagine.

Current Mood: Alarmed

You might be a racist if… you feel offended by this poster.

You might be a racist if… you feel angered by this poster.

You might be a racist if… you feel a person of a different background isn’t 100% entitled to everything on earth and in heaven that YOU are entitled to.

And if you are a racist, FUCK YOU. You’re the asshole that makes this world a shitty place. You’re the reason hate crimes happen. You are probably the one who God was pointing at when He said “Thou shalt not judge” and “Do unto others…”.

Someone, anyone, explain to me why the most racist folks out there are frequently the most religions ones? Of course, they deny it, but holy cow… if their daughter tried to date a black man, there’d be an outrage. If their kid has to go to the “black kid school”, they freak out and label the school “bad”. They’re usually the ones freaking out about homosexuality, about how Barack Obama is secretly some Muslim terrorist or whatever the hell they try to preach, and the ones who ultimately treat people from different backgrounds differently than the “white folk” they surround themselves with.

They have no idea how clueless they really are. That the Muslim woman over there dressed in full garb just gave birth to a stillborn a few weeks ago and is horribly mourning her loss. Or that the gay man with AIDS over there happens to be one of the kindest, most supportive, helpful people on the block. Or that black man never had the chance to go to college but somehow manages to work his butt off to take care of his three kids after his wife died. Racist people FORGET that people from every walk of life are, in fact, HUMAN, and there is no “superior” kind of human.

Not understanding differences is human. Disliking or even hating others because of their biological differences is just flat-out ignorant, disgusting, and wrong.

Current Mood: Alarmed

My lack of blogging lately has been a direct result of my extreme lack of motivation lately.

When I got back to Seattle at the end of last week, I realized that I feel like have haven’t moved forward in the least since moving here. In some ways, I feel like I’ve moved backward. Yes, we figured out what’s “wrong” with me, we’ve made a “better” life for ourselves and our kids, etc., but in some ways,  I feel like I am much worse off even though James and the kids are thriving.

See, Seattle was kind of my dream a couple years ago. In therapy, I was told to figure out “my hopes and dreams”. I realized I wanted to move to a bigger city with more opportunities, weather that allowed me to be outdoors since I appear to be flat-out allergic to weather over 80 degrees and sunshine, and have a better life for my kids and husband. Most of all, though, I had this dream of working my way into being a writer/editor for a girly magazine of sorts.

Thus far, all of that has happened.

Except, of course, the whole career thing for me. There are no “girly magazines” based in Seattle. There is nothing but a short laundry list of utterly dull magazines dealing with tooth-picking that never appear to be hiring. I do NOT want to freelance, since I am aiming toward a job that I have to get up and go to every day, NOT do from my home. I’ve been working from home for years, and I hate it. And as a result, I am actually much worse off than I was living in Tucson. There, I had a support system. I didn’t really have any friends that I spent time with, but at least I had my family and job opportunities just waiting for me be to pick them up. Here, I have none of that. Here, I stay home all.day.long. with no family anywhere nearby to speak of. My husband is a million times happier working for a great company, and my daughter just got accepted into a high-achieving, excellent school, and the dance community has one more experienced teacher, competitor, and dancer. But as far as I am concerned, I feel like I have much less than what started with.

Unfortunately, my desire to go to law school was met with extreme distaste from my husband. I’ve heard, “I supported you! I watched the kids while you studied,” (all two times) but it was the lack of true support that really got to me. I told him it was highly possible there was no freaking way under the sun that I could be accepted into one of the two extremely competitive schools here in the Seattle area. Would he be willing to move with me for three years? The answer was a flat-out “no way”. I understand that. I wouldn’t want to leave a job I love, either. In addition, I had friends trying to tell me to take my time, stay with the kids until they’re both in school, etc, etc, etc… Um, thanks for the support. Did it dawn on you that the reason I’m trying to get into law school for Fall 2012 is BECAUSE the application process takes like an entire year, and at that point both my kids will be in school? Whatever. I’m used to a lack of support. Shouldn’t have expected any different.

So yes, I’ve been feeling pretty irritated with my situation. I did NOT move to Seattle to be a freaking stay-at-home-mom in worse shoes than I was in before. I have not given up on law school, but at the soonest, it’d be a year and a half away. In the meantime, I have been filling out job applications for pretty much everything but McDonald’s… and I have received a whooping ZERO calls in the year that I’ve been applying. Great times, let me tell you.

So if you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing, it’s because I’m sick of hearing “Everything Will Be Alright!”. It’s not alright. None of this is. I’ve been miserable for months, and it’s just not getting any better. It’s not a medication thing- we’ve checked more than once- it’s a situational thing. I was never cut out to be a mom, much less one that sits on her ass watching her kids all day.

Maybe I’ll have something more interesting to say next entry. Or not.

Current Mood: Bored