I answer his question, explaining my perspective to his satisfaction.

Student: I see. Though you could play anything and the crowd would like it because they like you and you’re attractive.

Me: (horrified) Wait, what are you saying?

Student: Well yes, you’re a great DJ, but your crowd would like anything you play because of who you are and because you’re attractive.

Me: Yeah, no. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t care what a DJ looks like, if they’re playing good music, then I’m gonna like it.

Student: You have to admit there’s a lot of truth to that.

Me: So what I’m hearing you say is that people like my DJing because they think I’m hot and because they like me, not because of the tunes I play.

Student: No, they like your music, too, but I think you’re too humble to admit that the other part is true as well.

Uh huh. What you’re saying is that I could play crap and people would like it simply because they’re shallow enough to think my looks- which are nothing special, by the way- play a role in how I DJ. Right.

….

And this is why sometimes I get fucking pissed.

Current Mood: Alarmed & Angry

Kathryn

just expected her to be kinda fug since M*** ya know…

3:48pmMe

since M***’s the ugliest guy alive?

3:49pmKathryn

… kinda looks retarded?

rofl

he’s not THAT bad

my ex J**** is worse

3:49pmMe

LOL omfg

i don’t know

M*** was really fug

3:49pmKathryn

but I’m not wrong 

3:49pmMe

i mean, he LOOKED RETARDED!

3:49pmKathryn

so did J****…

3:50pmMe

rofl

3:50pmKathryn

and he has a pumpkin head

3:50pmMe

M***… had a caveman head

3:50pmKathryn

a GIANT pumpkin head

3:50pmMe

seriously, he looked neanderthal

3:50pmKathryn

at least M*** resembled a human… and not a squash

3:51pmMe

sure, if cavemen are people, too

3:51pmKathryn

homo erectis vs. squash

hmmm

3:52pmMe

3:52pmKathryn

OK, I gotta get the eff out of here

I love my sister. We can share a space in hell together and crack each other up for all eternity. Seriously? I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard from this cyberspace conversation. Do you have an ex or six that was one of the most unatractive guys you ever met?

Current Mood: Cool

One of his favorite toys is a cylinder pipe filled partially with water. That thing is a motherfuckerfromhellandthensome. Strangely, I kind of like it. Masochistic, I know, but I think it’s pretty freaking evident that I’m a little on the warped side, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise.

But anyway, the cylinder water pipe. It comes in all sizes. Little Bear. Mama Bear. Jaws. And finally, Lilith. Each gets bigger as they go. And Lilith, well, Lilith is so fucking huge, unstable, and inhumanly cruel that she actually makes grown men run away screaming, call their mamas, and suck their thumbs while they sob like a schoolgirl. I’M NOT KIDDING.

And this is one of Will Ferrell’s favorites. Bizarrely, it has become one of mine as well. Especially yesterday, when he handed me the super teeny one. I’m used to Jaws and Mama Bear, so having one smaller than Little Bear thrust into my hands… well, it made me laugh.

Me: So what’s this one’s name?

Will Ferrell: It doesn’t have one.

Me: What, it’s not important enough? It doesn’t deserve a special name? That’s just cruel. It’s like saying that its tiny size means it doesn’t do its job or something.

Laughter.

Me: I think you should call it ‘The Twig’.

The Twig it became. And I’ll tell you what: After holding The Twig above my head for the next several minutes while doing this freakish lunge-thing from hell back and forth… um, well, let’s just say that size REALLY didn’t matter. My shoulders were sobbing and holding their blankies by the time I threw that freaking thing back where it belongs.

Damn The Twig.

Today? Today I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to take a breath again without my legs shattering into dust and my shoulders begging for mercy.

I took one look at Will Ferrrell at the end of yesterday’s session, and he had this crazy grin on his face while I practically crawled to the counter to help myself up.

“I’d better look DAMN hot in a bikini on the beach next week, or you’re fired. Butthead.”

Current Mood: Alarmed

Me: Aw, thanks sweetie. That was so nice of you. Here, since you were so polite and sharing so well, why don’t you eat this one and I’ll get another one?

Julie: (heartbroken) But Mommy, I got that one for you.

Me: Oh, honey, well in that case… Mmmmm! Yummy!

It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t 99% certain she didn’t wash her hands after she last played in the dirt and managed a trip to the toilet.

Chances are, organic materials like piss and shit probably aren’t half as bad as some of the synthetic crap they shove in food these days… right?

Current Mood: Alarmed

Doc: (looking at the squirming monsters we brought with us) So you have two kids. Do you want more?

James and Me: NO!

Doc: Good. (Pointing to a diagram of a penis) The no-scalpel vasectomy works like this. (Explains the whole procedure in a matter of two quick minutes.)

Doc: Any questions?

James: So, I know that regular ejaculation is a possible preventative for Prostate Cancer. Will having a vasectomy put me at a higher risk for developing it?

Doc: No, and here’s why (explains why cutting the baby batter tubes does not affect the function of the prostate).

James: Okay, great.

Doc: Any other questions?

Me: Yes. Can I do the snip?

Doc: Pardon?

Me: (Pretending my fingers are scissors doing the big “snip snip”) Can I do, you know, the snip?

[Insert momentary awkward silence here]

Doc: Well, actually, the insurance doesn’t cover having anyone other that James in the room while the procedure is being performed.

………………………..

I take it that was a big, fat: NO, TAMRA, YOU CANNOT CUT YOUR HUSBAND’S BALLS!

Damn.

Current Mood: Mischievous

Setting: Directly after my ass-kicking session. My legs and midsection and the rest of my damn body are comparable to silly string, and Will Ferrell is leading me over to speak with another employee.

Will Ferrell: Oh hey there [insert name]… this is Tamra.

Employee: Oh! You’re the Blog Girl!

Me: Wait, what?! (shoots Will Ferrell a glare) You’ve been telling everyone about my blog?

Will Ferrell: (evil grin) Well, he calls me Will Ferrell, too, so I figured it was appropriate.

Me: (eyeroll) Oh, now that’s just lovely. Thanks.

A few minutes later, I was talking to the employee about what a pain in the ass Will Ferrell is with his evil workouts, and he started asking me which “toys” Will Ferrell has brought out to assist me in my torture. After talking about the different “toys” and how much we both think they’re absolutely cruel and unusual, this conversation took place:

Employee: Yeah, he really likes his toys.

Me: Yeah, I really like toys, too… Just not those kind.

Shit. Yes, that came flying out. The poor guy I was talking to… he played it cool pretty well, but I’m sure underneath the double-take and momentary eye bulge he was probably thinking: Aw hell, what is WRONG with this girl’s impulse control? IT MUST BE BROKEN!

ONE OF THESE DAYS, I JUST MAY LEARN TO CONTROL MY MOUTH.

And now, I’m officially known as “The Blog Girl” by some.

Right now, though, I think I’ll just go by “Holy-shit-I-can’t-feel-my-legs-anymore Girl”. I hurt so bad that I just might not make it through the day. You all know who to attack if I never make it back to my computer again.

Current Mood: Alarmed & Happy

Will Ferrell: You know, you can stop curling your fingers. There’s nothing for you to grab onto. (laughs)

Me: (gritting my teeth) Shut up

(More laughter from Will Ferrell)

Me: Trust me, you do NOT want to meet my roundhouse punch.

Will Ferrell: Well, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been punched by a female.

Me: (Sweating and gasping while still trying to balance on that damn torture-device) Yeah? Well, it’d probably the the last.

Will Ferrell is trying to kill me, and he’s really asking for a good kick in the groin while he’s at it.

Me: (gasping for breath during this obscene exercise that included touching my knee to my nose while balancing on a wobbly-half-ball-thing) You want me to do HOW many of these things?

Will Ferrell: Twelve on each side.

Me: Ha ha, you’re funny.

Will Ferrell: Well maybe that’s why everyone tells me I look like Will Ferrell.

Me: (falling of the ball-thing onto the mat and gasping out a wheezing laugh) Well, um, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but…

Will Ferrell: (puts head in hands) Oh no.

Me: (snickering) Last week I went home and told my husband, “Dude, I just got my ass kicked by Will Ferrell.”

Will Ferrell: (eyeroll) Gee, thanks. Now here’s your next exercise.

Five minutes later, I was in a very compromising position that somewhat resembled Downward Dog from yoga, but was way worse.

Me: (While blood is rushing to my face and my head is nearly exploding) Wonderful. Now the entire gym is getting a great view of my ass. Thanks a lot.

Will Ferrell: (laughs) Why do you think men willingly do yoga classes?

Me: Oh my gawd, do I have an audience?

Will Ferrell: Uh…

Me: Don’t answer that. (collapsing out of that horrific exercise pose and looking behind me) Ugh, that felt AWFUL!

Will Ferrell: (laughing) Alright, you’re done for today.

Me: (snottily) I guess now would be a great time to tell you that I wrote a blog entry about how much you resemble Will Ferrell last week.

Will Ferrell: Oh no.

Me: Oh yes. And remember, I wasn’t the one who said it. I wasn’t going to mention it. You were the one who brought it up, and I merely confirmed your suspicions.

Will Ferrell: (laughing) Okay, you got me on that one.

A few minutes later he was writing out my homework.

Me: So, I actually asked for a female trainer, and I got you. Which is probably good because I have quite the mouth on me and you seem to deal with it just fine.

Will Ferrell: Yeah, I find I usually get the, uh, more difficult clients.

Me: Wait, what?

Will Ferrell: Well, I mean the ones that are more difficult because they either have zero body awareness or much better body awareness than average. Usually I work with people who are on one of the more extreme ends.

Me: Uh huh, sure. And I take it I’m one of those extremes. Are you saying I have good body awareness, or crappy awareness?

Will Ferrell: Well, because of your dance background, you definitely have much stronger body awareness than most people who first start personal training.

Me: Okay, so the “difficult” part of that equation is finding a trainer who can put up with the shit that comes flying out of my mouth.

Will Ferrell: (Laughing) Well, the supervisors definitely try to match people up with personalities they’ll get along with.

Me: And I ended up with Will Ferrell. Wow. I must have really scared the supervisors.

Will Ferrell: (Smiling an evil grin) Wednesday we’re working arms.

Me: Great. I can’t wait.

Current Mood: Happy