Take law, for instance, since that is what I’m studying right now. Yeah, we all know what a television court room look like. We’ve (hopefully) heard of the constitution, statute of limitations, and due process. We know that it’s a complicated field and a lot of lawyers are douches who get bad guys off on charges they should have been found guilty on. But the fact is, that stuff must seriously be like 2% of what really happens in the legal system. That other 98% is absolutely mind boggling. It’s exciting.

My siblings think I’m a weirdo because I have always loved school. Sure, I’ve had teachers I’ve hated and classes I didn’t enjoy, but in general, I’ve enjoyed it. The studying, cramming, 20-paged papers, research projects- all of it has managed to expand and improve my way of thinking somehow. To me, knowledge is power.

After months of law classes, I feel like I am *finally * starting to get what I’m supposed to be learning. I passed the last semester without too much of a hitch, but I felt like I was swimming through murky waters. Now I’m starting to figure out the process of what to do when your client is slapped with a lawsuit, how to figure out which laws apply, and how to determine whether or not it’s a case that has a chance. I’ve finally figured out where the hell to look when my teacher shouts out, “Court rule 15 says so!” It all seems so simple when you see it on the big screen, but it’s nothing like that in real life.

And in the meantime, I have say that I am very relieved that I have not yet in my life had to deal with either end of lawsuit personally. Holy shit. Just try to stay out of trouble, okay? Avoiding a legal issue is much easier than actually dealing with it in most cases.

Current Mood: Cool

My brother-in-law named her Svetlana. Svetlana’s kind of bitch when she says in her irritated tone, “Recalculating,” at every traffic light or so because I seem to lack the ability to follow directions, but thanks to her I’ve quickly found my way to a winery, my doctor’s appointment, Trader Joe’s, and just about everywhere else I go.

If I ever get a job, I have a feeling Svetlana will be an integral part of my daily traffic routine for at least a few weeks. And as a side note, it’s very nice to have someone to blame other than myself if I miss a turn, “Svetlana! You bitch! I thought you said LEFT!”

Current Mood: Cool

I swear, I’m not half as much of a negative bitch in real life as my blog seems to promise. This spot is my dumping ground. You hear the worst of my frustrated fleeting thoughts right here, condensed into paragraphs of angry meditation and despair, but in my daily life I promise I’m usually smiling and looking for the positive. Like the whole resolutions business. And I don’t want them to be the cliche “I’m going to lose ten pounds,” or “I’m going to take up yoga at 6 a.m. every morning.” There’s nothing wrong with those- they’re great, in fact, but I’ve made those kinds of resolutions nearly every year of my life, and I usually manage to fall short and feel like a failure. Why? Because in many cases, those are unreasonable goals for the time and place in which they fall in my life. There’s no point in getting up at 5 a.m. to get to the gym for the ass-crack dawn yoga class. It’s not happening. I go to bed much to late and would prefer spending those morning hours with my family. It’s just not a reasonable goal.

In many ways, 2011 was both great and horrible. Did you know I nearly slapped James with divorce papers on two different occasions? Yup. And it wasn’t a mere threat, it was real. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him or because I wanted our marriage to end, it was because I couldn’t see living life and raising a family together with our priorities stuck on two very different pages. He learned a lot, re-prioritized, and realized that he was missing the best things in life because of an addiction to something rather peripheral and adolescent. I realized that my priorities were far out of whack as well. I’d spent so much time immersing myself in shit so utterly unimportant that I’d forgotten that I moved to Seattle for personal growth not just for the sake of myself, but for my husband and girls.

We learned a lot, and we have slowly removed the extraneous commitments and unhealthy constants that have just somehow pretty much become our lives since we’ve moved. Unsurprisingly, this has resulted in a much healthier relationship and life in general. And for me, it has become the key to positive mental health.

How much of our mental illnesses are circumstantial versus chemical? How do we tell the difference? For me, bipolar triggers were never really much of an issue until my postpartum depression took over three years ago. When that happened, I just plummeted into the perfect picture of mental “unhealth”. I’ve always struggled, but so many of the triggers were pieces of my life that I was aware of and failed to fix. Fear, being settled into routine, not understanding how to set boundaries; all of those accounted for poor mental health triggers.

Much of that is in my control. I get that now.

This year, resolutions for 2012 are far simpler for me to commit to because I am finally understand and implementing the whole “live life to the fullest” aspect. I have been far too selfless and focused on ensuring everyone else’s happiness to the point where I was creating my own misery and making life harder for others. It’s impossible to please a freaking martyr, intentional or otherwise. I’ve never pulled the “poor me” mopey bullshit that I’m far too accustomed to dealing with, but I have certainly allowed everyone else’s problems and issues become my own.

For 2012, I am focusing on my own goals. They’re simple. To finish school. To get a job. To backpack the Washington Peninsula and the Grand Canyon. To pull out my rock climbing gear and start using it again. To take care of my girls to the best of my ability. And most importantly, to work on my marriage so that there are no more threats of divorce.

Those are all finally doable goals. I’m excited to see them through.

Current Mood: Cool

You’re asking why. Why I am not accepting money in exchange for advertisement space, huh. It’s every blogger’s dream, right? To get paid to blog?

Well, I don’t know for sure, really. But I do know one thing: At this point in time, I feel wrong accepting money in exchange for for exploiting my mental health issues. Surprisingly Sane is my therapy blog. I turned to it over three years ago when something when horribly array in my head after the birth of my second daughter. No one understood. Nearly all my “friends” fled. I didn’t know what was going on, only that I couldn’t make the pain stop, and that I had no one left to talk to. Writing has been immensely comforting to me over the years, allowing me the chance to define on the computer screen what I can’t seem to understand when it’s jumbled up in my twisted psyche.

Yes, I realize that most of what I write is angry or bitchy or droning on and on about my miserable life. Don’t be fooled. There are plenty of wonderful things that happen in my daily life, and you’d probably be surprised to hear that most of the time, I’m on the upper end of the “neutral” mode toward happy. Not ecstatic, but I have a smile on my face. Meaning, I’m not just some miserable bitch of of human who blogs about herself simply because she thinks incredibly highly of herself (as one hater told me recently). That doesn’t even make sense. You know why I write about myself? Because when I discovered my pathetic little blog had readers, I MADE IT PRIVATE. And then I opened it back up again when people came forward asking me to open it back up because they felt they could relate and that gave them comfort. I was naive about the world of blogging when I started my blog. I didn’t realize anyone was ever going to find it. Yeah, stupid, I know, but the fact it, it’s true.

So now, this other “thingie.” I feel like a sell out for participating in a blog game, but I think this could or might be sort of fun. And for those of you who wonder if I do anything other than complain about how unfair my awful life it, I think this would be helpful in answering that.

It’s 30 days of blogging, each with a prompt. You’re gonna learn more happy shit about me than you ever wanted to know.

Current Mood: Alarmed

I am clearly quite a “liberal” individual, and because of that I also believe in this:

Yup. That means I can certainly accept political differences with the utmost respect and without blaming or pointing fingers. There is nothing more irritating to me than a political extremist who cannot see past the black and white to get to the gray area on any issue. And by that, I mean extremists on BOTH ends of the spectrum.

Just sayin’.

Current Mood: Mischievous

(Sorry, James, that has always bothered me to no end, and I was gonna say, “Last time I ever do business with you,” but we’ve been doing business together for 11 years in one way or another, and I must say, we rock at it now!)

Now, my old theme for Surprisingly Sane, as well as the name, appeared during that time. I was starting to lose my mind when I designed it, and a running joke between James and I was the idea of being “Surprisingly Sane.” I had another blog called “Life on the Less Beaten Path” that I had been blogging in for quite awhile, but it dawned on me that a blog named after our running joke might be perfect for me.

The flowers came from me just messing around with a new tool technique I learned in Illustrator. I pieced them together and ended up with those brightly colored- almost garish- vines of slightly chaotic flow, and I thought, “Ha ha… those kind of describe me in a lot of ways.” I LOVE bright colors (did you know my favorite color is turquoise?), contrary to what many might imagine, and my house is full of bright walls and decor. I played with using those designs on a web page, and it dawned on me that it felt very “me” and very comfortable and I liked the idea of starting a blog with that theme. Insert “A Surprisingly Sane Blog.”

When we moved to Seattle, we closed our LLC, and I haven’t designed a website since. And in the meantime, I switched from a PC to a Mac and never bought the Adobe Suites version for my new computer- too expensive. The last almost-3-years since I gave birth to April have been such a crazy mental disaster and adventure during which I’ve thought numerous times that I should 1) close my blog entirely, 2) redesign my page on a regular basis, 3) rip my hair out and laugh and scream and cry about the fact that I have admitted to the cyber-world just how messed up I am from time to time.

I’ve done neither of those. And instead, I’ve decided that keeping my blog going is not only in my own best interest, but helpful to the hundreds of new moms and mental health disorder survivors who have sent me emails and taken the time to write me comments. And the fact that my blog has recently been named one of the top 25 blogs on mental health has made me realize that it is, indeed, worth keeping around.

So I decided that instead of re-blocking comments or doing away with Surprisingly Sane altogether, I would just make a physical appearance change to keep things fresh and interesting for myself. My flowers theme served me well for three years, but I was just ready for a change.

Regarding this particular theme: I like it a lot- it’s so pretty with the turquoise, and I love the contrasting orange-ish yellow sidebar. It’s a little quieter than I’m used to, and I miss the bright colors. It doesn’t actually feel like “me” on the inside, but it’s hard to re-design one that does without the proper tools to do it. One of these days I’m going to bit the bullet and purchase the necessary software programs… but in the meantime, I’m going to get to know this theme and make it a part of how I view my blog personality.

Current Mood: Cool

Don’t be hatin’. I promise it’s STILL ME behind the screen typing out all this crazy.

Current Mood: Cool

For the record: I love personal emails in response to my blog, but I find it odd that most my readers who DO comment usually do it via email instead of leaving a public comment.

Are you all just afraid to admit YOU’RE READING MY BLOG? *grin*

I’ve been toying with the possibility of doing away with Surprisingly Sane for a little while, so if you love it and don’t want it to die, don’t be shy to tell me. I have a bit of life plans for the future in progress that I’m not entirely sure I want this blog to see, but if the good outweighs the bad and you guys really are getting something from reading it- even just entertainment value, I’ll keep it around. If I do, I’ll probably be a sellout and start selling ad space since I’m getting more and more emails from ad companies wondering if they can post a picture of a bright purple vibrator on page 2534. When you reach a certain number of page views and unique visitors a day, advertising just starts making sense.

At the moment, I’m feeling kind of torn between the fact that my once-fairly-private blog was my space to air all of my dirty laundry, and now it’s become a grazing field for secret, quiet readers at 10x the amount (hello, I know you’re out there, and I know what you googled to get here). Which is fine. But I need to figure out if I’m comfortable with that, and if it’s really worth it.

Current Mood: Alarmed

I’ve started writing books more times than I can count, getting frustrated when I felt the absence of plot or connection with my characters, perhaps the lack of motivation to continue forward when I realized my original idea took a turn toward something I just couldn’t quite grasp. Thus far, this time has been quite different.

Writing instructors always told me to write what I know, then branch out from there. My blog is a simple example- I know my personal struggles, I know sarcasm, and I know how to vent to a blank writing space… but I am just not interesting enough or vain enough at this point to write an autobiography of sorts. And even if I was, tales of a bipolar nothing would probably never make it to a bookshelf.

The ballroom and dance world? I know that. Boy oh boy, do I know the world of dance. And it’s one of those things where drama pops up at every corner if you’re paying attention. I do, because I enjoy watching drama and occasionally wading in it on the outskirts just a little. And it’s probably interesting to a wide demographic of people, since personal relationships and stories of crazies and abuse and used condoms fascinate… well, my readers, anyways.

But the best part about writing this, besides the endless organic flow of ideas, is developing the characters for me. Their personalities, their quirks, they way they look, dress and talk. It’s a ton of fun, and I already have characters that I’m starting to really take to and dislike just a hair.

It never dawned on me until now that I would need a fully-developed main character behind the pages. My protagonist needed a complete history with all the likes and dislikes of a real person: does he/she spend all their free time fucking around on Facebook? Do they like traveling? Are they a drama queen? Completely selfless? A secret-keeper? Do they eat green beans?

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been blogging as often, though, it’s not really just the fact that I’m spending some of my blog-time writing on the pages of my word-processing program. It has also been because I had visitors staying at my house for about a week. And also because we are in the process of turning our regular dance workshops and practica into a full-blown dance on Friday nights… and holy cow, THAT is a lot of freaking work.

Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll get a bitchy, insane post out of me shortly. I know those are your favorite, anyway.

It’s kind of the tragic truth to the www in some ways. Sometimes it gives us a horribly wrong perspective. But in another light, I’ve met people through the internet more than once and was, for the most part, pleasantly surprised by just how much like their internet personalities they actually were.

This leads me to wonder about how people view me based off of my writing. I’ve had (a very small number of) folks tell me I was an insane bitch who should never post on the internet again (yup, I censor those comments… I almost never do, but there certainly some psychos out there, and while I don’t mind differing opinions and constructive criticism, assholes get the immediate write-off). I’ve had people conspire to call CPS when I was struggling with postpartum depression and blogged about all the intimate details of my frustration, when in fact the real-life version of myself was already seeking help, my kids had been deemed safe, and the situation behind my keyboard certainly wasn’t a fraction of what it really seemed. When you put your life out there for the world to see, everyone makes judgements and there’s always backlash. Oh well, you deal with it.

I’d ask what YOU think what sort of a person I am, but out of the insane number of page views that I’ve been getting since making the Top 25 Mental Wellness Blogs by Moms plus the years of picking up readers, only like .0000001% of you guys actually leave me comments. (hint-hint… you don’t have to be shy… I’ve gotten well over a hundred comments on posts before, so I know you’re out there, and I comments on other people’s blogs every single day, but I read like 50, so I don’t get a comment on yours daily).

But here’s the thing. Besides the private internal crap that ends up on my blog and Facebook statuses, what the hell do people really know about me? I’d hate to think that my readers just have this image in their head of this unstable bipolar freak yo-yoing between reality and psychosis. Or that I sit in front of a computer all day while my kids break shit and smear poop on the outside walls. It’s so not like that.

So here’s a bit of a play-by-play if you’re interested. A short one.

I’m home during the days with my kids and do pretty much what other stay-at-hom moms do: take care of the kids, play with them, do art projects, turn on music and dance, make them breakfast and lunch along with several snacks plus manage the necessary food and kid clean-up. While they’re at the table eating, I spend a few minutes surfing the web on my laptop and usually get small increments of a blog post written at a time. I usually throw on an episode of Dora at some point for the girls so I can jump in the shower and get dressed, but usually not until closer to lunch time. Or I throw on a show so I can finish a blog. Like right now? It’s just after noon, I’m listening to the awesome jazzy tune of Pink Panther as I write this, and I’m wearing a pair of hideous bright green and turquoise checked pajama pants along with a t-shirt with that Paul Frank monkey on it. Oh yeah, I am the epitome of mature right now.

In the afternoons, I generally run some errands with my monsters in tow, make more snacks, clean, do laundry, lay April down for a nap, and get dinner preparation started- or dinner made completely. While April naps, I usually do a bit of reading and writing practice with Julie, or I pull out the watercolors and let her paint and cut up paper to create whatever she wants… then I have her help me clean up the massive mess that ends up all over the family room. James takes public transportation to work (remember, he’s the computer guy), and I pick him up from the nearby lightrail station in the evening. We usually finish making dinner together, eat, then frequently I run out to go to work.

Yes, on top of my full-time job, I work. I do two things, both related: I am a dance teacher and I am a West Coast Swing DJ. Additionally, I do my part to get out and social dance as often as I can (but not often enough) to help continue to raise my level of dance and prepare for competition. I teach out of an awesome studio in downtown Seattle, and not only do I teach select evenings, but I also teach private lessons on Sunday afternoon. Friday nights are big nights for me because James rushes home from work, we leave the kids with a babysitter at 6:00, and we spend the evening teaching workshops and overseeing a dance practica afterward. And starting in August, we’re turning that practica into a full-blown west coast swing dance during which I will usually DJ. Because, you know, we weren’t busy enough.

Additionally, we do dance/DJ gigs for other events regularly around town, and we’ve even been fortunate enough to be invited to Vancouver, Canada to teach and DJ a few times.

Outside of dance, I love to read on my Kindle, work on writing my latest book (the others I’ve always conveniently forgotten to continue writing), plan “girl dates” at coffee shops and stuff with some of the local dancers, and spend time with another good friend of mine (also from the dance world). I always have some crafty thing I’m working on- making costumes, a little scrapbook project, or a house thing that requires paint or artistically hanging crap on my walls. I love decorating. And I also love playing with make and fashion. I am a true girly-girl, even though I’m wearing stupid monkey PJs and usually only wear makeup when I’m teaching or dancing.

As a family, we really try to get outside as much as possible. We love going downtown with the kids, parks and playgrounds, and seeing nearby outdoorsy places with hiking and forests and other tree-hugging dreamland sights and activities. We haven’t done it since I was 5 months pregnant with April… but James and I have a history of rock climbing, and I really miss it.

I have several doctor appointments that I do every month: Therapist, Psychiatrist, Dermatologist, and getting my monthly and sometimes bimonthly blood tests. The last two months I’ve been at the Ophthalmologist’s office every other week while we try to get rid of this uncomfortable scleritis in my left eye. All part of staying mentally healthy, which is necessary with my crazy busy life.

The late evenings after the girls are in bed or when I get home from work are when I spend time with James. We’re good about getting that time in to relax and talk and drink some tea, sometimes watch a show together, before bed.

I like my life to be busy, and I’d like to state on the record that most days I do just great mentally. I have nights where I’m so exhausted I can’t function and bipolar triggers start to go off. But most of the time, I am fine. When I’m not busy or I have too much time on my hands, I start to struggle with depression or mania. Staying busy helps keep me stable.

Phew. There. A small look behind the blog. Hopefully those of you who think I’m a psycho bitch can see me as a little more human now? Okay, just kidding. I know most think none such thing, even though sometimes I fear you all might.

Current Mood: Cool