A Surprisingly Sane Blog

I’m thoroughly sick of winter. Not because of the weather because I actually like cool air and rain showers, but because I hate the short days with a passion. Sun dripping toward the horizon before 4:00pm and dark by 5:00? No thanks. I’ve always been a little afraid of the dark.

I’m trying to stay optimistic despite the shitty duration of daylight. It’s certainly trying, though, being exhausted and having dealt with the holidays and two sick children while decreasing medication and really trying to increase the positive things in my life. The only crappy thing about significantly decreasing the medication is the lack of sleep. Other than that, I feel great. The insomnia I have fought my entire life was replaced with the drugged Seroquel stupor that was impossible to wake from unless someone shot me in the head. It was nice, but after several months, I realized that the damn drug was causing a plethora of harmful side effects. I feel a million times better being off of it minus the sleep, which is once again replaced by the familiar racing of a thousand thoughts. I’m working on it, though. Neurofeedback is supposed to help. I start next week.

The fact that I am absolutely sick to death of job hunting isn’t helping my view of the lack of daytime. I’ve lived here for two years. Two. I have been filling out applications, making connections, having lunch with possible networking links and employers, and all I’ve heard thus far is, “Wow, impressive resume. I wish we were hiring. I’ll pass your name along.” Nothing. It sucks. Two years of this crap and honest to God, I’m ready to pack my bags and move back where I came from. And I hated living in Tucson, but dammit, at least I have job options there.

And the random side note of the day: I had to make an annual dreaded appointment for tomorrow. Fun fun. Especially since some stabbing crippling pain in my lower extremities has me fearing either the worst or an ovarian cyst, and I have a small lump in my breast that I’m a bit concerned about. Sucks that my grandmother died from breast cancer at 36 and my sister was a cancer survivor at the age of 16. The odds scare me a bit.

What’s new in your life? Is the daylight longer than our measly few hours? Entertain me. I’m bored.

Current Mood: Bored

I’ll get caught up. Unfortunately, my body decided it wanted to die a couple days ago and I have been so ill and so utterly alone since my hubs and girls are in Arizona for the holiday that I haven’t been able to blog.

After getting up at 3:00 a.m. in a few hours, I’m flying over there to join them. Stuck around here to finish my classes for the week. Made it to only one of them because MY BODY TRIED TO DIE FROM THE AGONY of whatever the fuck the stabbing, horrific cramping in my lower back and abdomen was trying to do.

I’m still sick, but I have a a plane to catch so I’ll catch up on my posts soon.

Current Mood: Sickly

In case you were wondering, the LIE from prompt eight was #2. Yes, I have 7 piercings. One of ‘em is where the sun never shines. Yes, I’m a naughty girl. My nips would be all kinds of pierced if everyone close to me who got those done hadn’t had to remove them because of pain or problems or general discomfort. I’m just too sensitive there to deal with that kind of pain with two little kids crawling on me.

I hate the smell of vanilla and pretty much anything else sickeningly sweet that falls into the vanilla category! I know, it’s weird. Everyone looks at me like I just vomited a lizard from my eye socket when I tell them that. I am REALLY finicky about scents. I have the olfactory senses of a bloodhound. Not kidding. I can smell cocaine on a person sitting in front of me on a bus. It’s so freaking annoying!

Most perfumes I’m not a fan of, and many candles and bath gels make me wish I’d just snorted salt and shoved my head in a freezing bucket of water. I’m not down with scents. The only sweet one that I can think of that I actually like is jasmine, in small doses. The scents that don’t offend my nostrils are generally the more fresh and natural ones- pine needles, saltwater breeze, fresh cut grass, campfire, etc., and I also like some of of the spicier scents like cinnamon and this one candle I got from Bath and Body Works called “Hot Apple Toddy.”

However vanilla? Unless it’s in the form of cooking vanilla, it just needs to die.

Current Mood: Cool

I’ve had a really strange shift of interests ever since I learned of K’s death. I think it’s normal to re-prioritize and consciously decide to love your family a little more, take nothing for granted, and suddenly find a new religion. Tons of people do that, right? All the time, in fact. I didn’t, though. Not consciously, anyway. Yet two months later, I am finding drastic change happening that I didn’t notice brewing. However, in retrospect, it started during my grieving (which continues to hit at odd, unexpected moments).

I believe all of it is healthy change, and the reason I say that is because some of the choices have been extremely difficult, but the have made me value my life more. The easy choices aren’t always the best ones. Going back to school seems like an easy change, but it’s huge. I’m busier than ever, it’s a lot of money, it’s tough on the kids, and there’s nothing quite like throwing yourself into a challenge that will drastically affect your career at the ripe old age of thirty. I also realized just how plastic part of my life is and I have been so disgusted by all of it that I have completely lost the desire to be around it these days. That’s a major change, and a very hard choice that I have made and am in the early stages of implementing.

Then there are friends. Did you know that sometimes the best friends are the ones you meet online? I mean, of course there are a few coveted in-real-life people that I adore, but really, the majority of the time when I need support or just want to laugh along with a group of people, I turn to my online friends. Funny how that has happened with the invention of the internet. However, I am sick to freaking death of fake friends. I attract them like flies on shit. The ones who only call when they have a problem and need a shoulder to cry on, but turn their face the other way when I’m having a tough time. The ones who use me for my guest room and ignore me the whole time they stay. The ones who probably envy my married life with children and exclude me from the “fun stuff” and make plans and cancel on me last second even though I’ve made the effort to be responsible and find childcare. The list goes on and on and on. All the effort I’ve put in to planning get-togethers of various sorts, small parties, dates with friends, etc.; it’s all just a pile of shit because it’s never reciprocated. And if it is, there’s always a catch. I’m done. Some people are worth the effort. Some aren’t. In fact, I’m learning the ugly truth that most of the people in my immediate life really aren’t worth my time. I’ve gotten to this weird point where I’ve been blocking tons of people from my newsfeed and deleting people just because I don’t care anymore. I’ve never been that person. But I’m sick of shit. Ever since K died, I just kind of started seeing “friendships” and my importance in peoples’ lives for what they really are. When you lose a friend to a tragic, untimely death, even if you weren’t close, it makes you reevaluate not what people mean to you, but what you probably mean to them. So many people are really awful friends.

I’d be sad if I didn’t find strange consolation in my recent choices. I don’t feel good about them necessarily, but I feel no real loss because, dammit, how the hell can you lose friendship that wasn’t really there to begin with? How is saying goodbye to one career that you never really wanted as your full-time job a bad thing when I am so excited about my post-bacc program at UW and all the promises the path holds? How about the fact that I’m meeting people- smart, sassy people!- that I really enjoy talking to in class? It’s wonderful! Fresh faces, quick minds. It’s been great.

Sometimes I regret my choice of moving to Seattle. Not because I liked Tucson- hell, really, I hated living there and would never want to live there again- but because I just miss my family so much. But James despised his job in Tucson, and I nearly divorced him because he was so damn miserable to live with when he was working at his last company. He loves his job here, and he’s much happier. As a result of this job, we have a nicer house, live in a fabulous city, and we have so many new opportunities. It’s bittersweet. Some days I think of leaving him to be happy in his new life and going home to be with my family. Not planning, just thoughts. Odd how my mind goes there.

Even more odd how I’ve just seemed to long stop caring about the parts of my life and the people involved that was all so important at one time. Maybe none of it was all that real to start with.

Current Mood: Bored

Dear Target Policeman dude:

That dorky helmet you’re wearing while you zoom through the parking lot on your Segway is rather ridiculous-looking. You are not at war in Vietnam, you are in a greater-Seattle-area business parking lot. However, I must admit that as stupid as Segways look, I resisted the urge to mow you over with my car and steal it from you. You just looked a little too proud standing upright with a strict, solemn face and your uniform. Smug, almost. Well, Mr. Police-Kid, I imagine I’d look mighty smug myself if I knocked you off there with my roundhouse kick and took that silly thing for a joy ride.

They are quite amazing when you read a bit about how they work. Plus, I believe I would look a bit more fashionable in that geek-helmet than you do.

Thanks in advance for not ticketing me when I beat your ass up and steal your new toy.

Sincerely, Surprisingly Sane

Current Mood: Cool