I always struggle with New Year’s Resolutions. Not because I believe there is nothing in my life that needs improvement, but because I always want to think in terms of positive resolutions instead of the stereotypical “I will not let people’s stupidity get to me any longer” sort that generally cross my mind at first thought.
I swear, I’m not half as much of a negative bitch in real life as my blog seems to promise. This spot is my dumping ground. You hear the worst of my frustrated fleeting thoughts right here, condensed into paragraphs of angry meditation and despair, but in my daily life I promise I’m usually smiling and looking for the positive. Like the whole resolutions business. And I don’t want them to be the cliche “I’m going to lose ten pounds,” or “I’m going to take up yoga at 6 a.m. every morning.” There’s nothing wrong with those- they’re great, in fact, but I’ve made those kinds of resolutions nearly every year of my life, and I usually manage to fall short and feel like a failure. Why? Because in many cases, those are unreasonable goals for the time and place in which they fall in my life. There’s no point in getting up at 5 a.m. to get to the gym for the ass-crack dawn yoga class. It’s not happening. I go to bed much to late and would prefer spending those morning hours with my family. It’s just not a reasonable goal.
In many ways, 2011 was both great and horrible. Did you know I nearly slapped James with divorce papers on two different occasions? Yup. And it wasn’t a mere threat, it was real. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him or because I wanted our marriage to end, it was because I couldn’t see living life and raising a family together with our priorities stuck on two very different pages. He learned a lot, re-prioritized, and realized that he was missing the best things in life because of an addiction to something rather peripheral and adolescent. I realized that my priorities were far out of whack as well. I’d spent so much time immersing myself in shit so utterly unimportant that I’d forgotten that I moved to Seattle for personal growth not just for the sake of myself, but for my husband and girls.
We learned a lot, and we have slowly removed the extraneous commitments and unhealthy constants that have just somehow pretty much become our lives since we’ve moved. Unsurprisingly, this has resulted in a much healthier relationship and life in general. And for me, it has become the key to positive mental health.
How much of our mental illnesses are circumstantial versus chemical? How do we tell the difference? For me, bipolar triggers were never really much of an issue until my postpartum depression took over three years ago. When that happened, I just plummeted into the perfect picture of mental “unhealth”. I’ve always struggled, but so many of the triggers were pieces of my life that I was aware of and failed to fix. Fear, being settled into routine, not understanding how to set boundaries; all of those accounted for poor mental health triggers.
Much of that is in my control. I get that now.
This year, resolutions for 2012 are far simpler for me to commit to because I am finally understand and implementing the whole “live life to the fullest” aspect. I have been far too selfless and focused on ensuring everyone else’s happiness to the point where I was creating my own misery and making life harder for others. It’s impossible to please a freaking martyr, intentional or otherwise. I’ve never pulled the “poor me” mopey bullshit that I’m far too accustomed to dealing with, but I have certainly allowed everyone else’s problems and issues become my own.
For 2012, I am focusing on my own goals. They’re simple. To finish school. To get a job. To backpack the Washington Peninsula and the Grand Canyon. To pull out my rock climbing gear and start using it again. To take care of my girls to the best of my ability. And most importantly, to work on my marriage so that there are no more threats of divorce.
Those are all finally doable goals. I’m excited to see them through.
Current Mood:
Cool
Bored